Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 05-09-2011, 06:10 PM
PixieChick's Avatar
PixieChick PixieChick is offline
New Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2
Default Myself, as I can best describe me ;)

I am very wordy and I will warn you that this may ramble, despite my very best efforts to keep it brief. I am 28 and, as I told my husband when I met him, "bad at relationships". I don't personally feel that human beings are naturally monogamous and he claimed to agree with me. Previous to dating him, I had tried to force myself to BE GOOD and adapt to a lifestyle that did not come naturally to me. I failed miserably every time. I just feel like I have so much love, but my partners have never been able to understand that developing feelings for another outside of the relationship I am already in does not detract from the feelings I have for them. And, to be fair, I DID make a commitment, which I TRIED to honor, and broke, so I was the bad guy and I was to blame...hence, bad at relationships. Evil cheating whore, what have you.

Anyway, I was unfamiliar with "polyamory", so I decided the best solution was not to enter into another relationship unless it could be an OPEN relationship. To my delight, when I met my husband, he agreed, and I thought we were on the same page. Long story short, well, I'm married and we are allowed to have SEX with other people...oh, but he has to APPROVE of who I want to have sex with, and vice versa...and he has to BE PRESENT...and he would really prefer -- no, INSISTS -- that it's all about sex, no feelings involved. *sigh* Okay, that's not really what I had in mind, and I feel like it's a little too late now, and we've been together about 2 years and I'm feeling the old familiar impulses the CHEAT -- which I hate, because I do LOVE him. I am JUST NOT MONOGAMOUS. And I can see that he will not understand, because unless I am having sex with someone, pre-approved by him, right in front of him, he is going to be all jealous and paranoid about it.

Anyway, I know I meandered off topic, I'm 28, he's 32, married for one year, I have 2 kids from 2 previous relationships, we live in Grand Rapids, MI, I am a full time student, we're both bisexual...although I lean more toward lesbian, quite honestly. That's a whole other issue we're dealing with that would take far more time to explain than I have right now. I usually start out with a committed relationship with a guy, who is (of course) okay with the fact that I am bisexual..."as long as he's involved". I'm usually okay with that, for a while. Then, maybe, he only gets to watch. Then, I guess, I get selfish and maybe sometimes I want to enjoy some female companionship without ogling male eyes and panting and drooling in the background. Maybe I want to lose myself in the moment and indulge in the sensuality. At that point I usually start leaving him out and seeing women behind his back. Most men I have dated have an "all or nothing" attitude, they are involved or it's cheating, and I guess I take the anger out on them that I even HAVE to cheat because they made it that way. Eventually they find out or I confess and of course, that's the end of that.

My children are 8 and 4, my daughter (the 8 year old) has autism and they are both the light of my life. I love camping, music festivals, concerts, reading, writing poetry, and crafty stuff if I'm in the mood. I have been reading tarot for 11 years, I'm pagan, and I'm into meditation and astrology and stuff. I do yoga but I've also been trying to do some more "hard core" exercising lately since summer is coming up. I am passionate about learning and about people. I feel very strongly about equality and justice, and am very liberal. That's me in a nutshell, okay maybe a coconut shell. ;D

As soon as I post this, I will be reading over the site because I am preparing myself for trying to figure out how to discuss with him how to transition our relationship into what I had in mind from the start. If we don't, it's just not going to work out, and I seriously don't want that. I am so sick of failing at relationships but I really think if he would just give it a chance we could be really happy.

Last edited by PixieChick; 05-09-2011 at 07:13 PM.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:48 AM.