Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 10-01-2009, 07:59 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
But I do know that when I'm struggling it can be nice to see that SOMEONE somewhere has succeeded, and it's especially helpful sometimes to see what they did right and what they did wrong.

I don't know, perhaps it increases a sense of fatalism if I know that no one has ever succeeded? (Which is just an example--I've found at least a couple of quads that have lasted a few years) That's an interesting point.
Here's my question...what defines success in a poly relationship of any dynamic?
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 10-01-2009, 10:25 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Here's my question...what defines success in a poly relationship of any dynamic?
Would that answer be different than what defines success in a mono relationship of any dynamic?

I think it's the dynamic that set's the parameter of success, not so much whether it's mono or poly, because within both of those models there are a huge variety of relationship dynamics that can exist.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 10-01-2009, 03:07 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post

I think it's the dynamic that set's the parameter of success, not so much whether it's mono or poly, because within both of those models there are a huge variety of relationship dynamics that can exist.
You misunderstood my intention, Ceoli. Sorry if I was unclear. This question has nothing to do with mono relationships. I guess you could look at mono relationships simplistically and say a measure of success is happy longetivity.

You are right though..because poly relationships have different dynamics and various goals from lifelong commitments to "casual" friends with benefits it is a very individual thing that defines success.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 10-01-2009, 07:06 PM
Tech Tech is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 25
Default

Lemondrop, unfortunately I have no experience or advice to add here regarding quads. I am in a relationship where we are only initially dabbling in a potential V. We've actually commented a few times that "in a perfect world" the man who fell in love with my wife would also be involved so that I would have a companion when they are spending time together. (I struggle with "alone time".) Obviously another person in the relationship would complicate things exponentially, and things are never simply. But also keep in mind that you are apparent living proof that it is possible so far.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Here's my question...what defines success in a poly relationship of any dynamic?
Mono, when I read this it reminded me of a conversation the three of us in our currently relationship had this past weekend when we were struggling and communicating and working through a rough patch. Every day/week/month we succeed to keep our relationship working, together and healthy IS SUCCESS. I think there are so many marriages that last 10, 25, 50 years that we are conditioned to base a successful poly relationship in similar terms. But (in my humble opinion) every day that the relationship lasts is a success. Maybe that's a simplistic, rosey view, but that's how I'm choosing to see it at this time.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 10-01-2009, 08:06 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
You misunderstood my intention, Ceoli. Sorry if I was unclear. This question has nothing to do with mono relationships. I guess you could look at mono relationships simplistically and say a measure of success is happy longetivity.

You are right though..because poly relationships have different dynamics and various goals from lifelong commitments to "casual" friends with benefits it is a very individual thing that defines success.
Actually, I don't see that much of a difference between mono and poly relationships. I've seen many mono relationships that were not based on longevity, but on a limited time frame. Or monogamous friends with benefits that move on from that when finding another partnership. There is a whole spectrum that goes from casual to committed and everything in between for mono *and* poly relationships.

For me a relationship is successful if I've learned something from it and have somehow come out a better person. And even better if friendships can be maintained.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 10-01-2009, 10:19 PM
ourquad's Avatar
ourquad ourquad is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: florida
Posts: 83
Default

Successful? Well, I guess that includes a few things for me...happiness and not necessarily happy that I have a loving relationship. Am I happy in how we are dealing with things, whether they be good or bad? Am I growing in the journey I'm traveling with someone?

Now, my goal is longevity, I can not say that it isn't. But did I give the relationship everything I had to offer? If I can say yes to that then I think I was successful whether the relationship makes it or not.

Vol
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 10-02-2009, 05:47 PM
Ursilla Ursilla is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8
Default

I am in a trio that is still young but it works. I have a friend i(a second cousin actually) in British Columbia who lives in a group of five that works well. Her group contains three women, two men and five children. They are all happy but they do not advertise. Perhaps we only hear about the ones that do not work.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 10-04-2009, 11:02 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 348
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tech
But (in my humble opinion) every day that the relationship lasts is a success. Maybe that's a simplistic, rosey view, but that's how I'm choosing to see it at this time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli
For me a relationship is successful if I've learned something from it and have somehow come out a better person. And even better if friendships can be maintained.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ourquad
But did I give the relationship everything I had to offer? If I can say yes to that then I think I was successful whether the relationship makes it or not.
And there you have it.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 10-08-2009, 02:11 AM
Nzlovergirl's Avatar
Nzlovergirl Nzlovergirl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 15
Default

My hubby and I were in a working quad with another couple for roughly 18 months until I broke up with my boyfriend Yes, a very sad few months after that as hubby and his girl worked through it and are continuing to do so, and a happy moment when I introduced a new love into my life. Im now, obviously in a happy MMF V and hubby is in a MFF V.. It seems to be working for us, though I do miss the fact that we had dreams of all living together or near to eachother (they live an hour away) but that wont happen now.

Granted, thats like any relationship that ends now, isnt it?
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 01-01-2010, 11:01 AM
dakid dakid is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 191
Default mono's changed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
poly relationships have different dynamics and various goals from lifelong commitments to "casual" friends with benefits it is a very individual thing that defines success.
reading through some old posts, was very surprised to find you saying this mono, and makes me wonder when you changed your mind about what constitutes a poly relationship?

x
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
quad, quads

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:38 PM.