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Old 05-04-2011, 11:29 PM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
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Hi Altea!
Glad to see you back. Don't apologise about not writing for so long, I live in the same situation. (I'm visiting friends just now so have - LUXURY!!! - Internet access several times a day.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
Redpepper one more time. I know there are always two sides. And I know I have definitely made also many mistakes. I don't know if he will want to write something here. But maybe I will ask him if he will do so.
I know this as well. In fact, the #1 theme that runs through all the stories that I write for children is: "There is ALWAYS another way of looking at the same events. And you should always respect the other person's right to think differently from yourself." But it's hard for us to consider his way of seeing this whole relationship if he himself doesn't share it with us.

My comments are to be read as if I believe that you're a decent person who is giving us an honest account of how she sees the situation. It would be clumsy if I prefaced all my remarks with the words: "If this is really true, then..."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
I mentioned to him, that I write here sometimes and do research, but he seems not to be willing to participate here on his own. Though he likes me to tell him what I have found out.

I know we need time. Time and talking. But time seems to be something that makes him freak out. He says that he has been waiting already for quite a long time and that he feels pressure.
This sounds very much like he isn't willing to put any of his time or energy into caring for / working on / healing your relationship, but lets you do all that work, and then likes you to keep him up-to-date. Is he a pasha, a sultan, a basza? Does he want you to fan him with ostrich feathers, too?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
It's hard for us making small steps. Maybe because we are both impatient and bad-tempered.
If you both want to save the relationship (and make it healthy), you might have to learn to get used to small steps. If your version of things is an accurate portrayal of his lack of:
a) interest in working on the relationship;
b) concern for your feelings;
c) common decency in how he treats you;
d) respect for you or for the other women he fucks...
... then I stand by my earlier advice: you should be making GIANT steps (away from him).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
And I was starting to be jealous becouse I didn't feel all that affection and stability I nedded.
I differentiate between "justified jealousy" and "unjustified jealousy". See 2 examples here and here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
MrFarFromRight- I guess he is manipulating me. But I am also not without fault. Some time ago I really demanded unreasonalbe things but that chnages constantly. He sees that I am changing 'for the better' now but he thinks it's too slow.

[many questions, followed by] I mean what should I think about it, when he puts it that way?
Maybe you should consider thinking that he's messing with your mind and with your feelings?

You admit that you are "also not without fault". Does he admit that about himself?
He "sees that I am changing 'for the better' now". Do you see that he is changing... or at least is trying to?

If you "guess he is manipulating me", what are you doing to make sure that he doesn't do so? Or (harsher question): why are you still with him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
[B]I don't know what's the case with those girls, who dislike me. But now that you have mentioned it... He desires all the 3 girsl I don't get along with and when I mention some others we both like, as a potential date or sex partner, he seems to be hesistant or just starts saying that it will not work or that I will definitely get jealous over them too or start to not like them as soon as he starts meeting them.

It's like I am also thinking of him and he is not thinking of me.
It's like he's not interested in exploring potentially healthy relationships, where there's a chance that everybody will be happy [using the excuse that "it will not work or that I will definitely get jealous over them too or start to not like them as soon as he starts meeting them"] but is perfectly happy to enter relationships where he knows right from the beginning that you will be miserable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
I remember a situation, [...] it came out K didn't have condoms and I remebered that I and bf had only one so I came to my bf wanting to ask him what to do and mayby make a quick walk to the drugstore to buy some, so we could all be protected. And then I saw he already was using our last one and he said he was so desparete that he had the chance to sleep with another woman besied me that he wasn't thinking about me being protected.

From that moment I again started to feel insecure becouse he so easily forgot about me and my eventuall needs, and he started to freak out that I did not come to him to solve the 'condom problem' but to stop him from having sex with another woman.
Here I'm going to be extra careful to repeat that to form a balanced opinion, we would need to read his version of this event. Because if your version is correct, this is a HORROR story... and you know that it is! His pleasure is more important than your safety??? His few minutes of excitement is worth more than your possible years of dealing with AIDS (or an unwanted pregnancy)???
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