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  #111  
Old 04-12-2011, 07:06 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I know she has said that when she realized she could have feelings for someone outside of your relationship that she felt something had been missing til then. That does not mean that the things that were missing were about you at all. I suspect the thing that was missing was simply acknowledgment that it was possible. It's possible for you too. Aren't there numerous people in your life that you feel love for? Why does Jen's desire to expand that love into something sexual, with the right person, threaten you so much? I'm not asking that glibly, but saying that to you as something to ask yourself and examine closely.
THIS.

I don't know how to explain that it is NOT about not having enough. I know that you give me all of the love that I could possibly want from YOU. I know that if I ever wanted more sex for the sake of the act, YOU would give it to me. I KNOW that you spoil me rotten and I DON'T take that for granted. What makes you think I am unhappy with anything you give me?? I have NEVER EVER said anything like that.

It's not the sex, it's not the love... it's the sexual and emotional freedom.

Using J as an example, how I feel about him.. when it comes down to sex. I wanted that connection with him. If I said, "man, I really feel emotionally and physically drawn to J, so I'm going to go have sex with my hubby and that will fill my need".. that would sound ridiculous...and vice versa. J could not fill my needs from you.

I am exhausted. I feel like I speak a foreign language to everybody in this house. The kids don't listen to me the majority of the time. Hubby listens but doesn't understand. Everybody is whining, crying, hanging on me, upset about something. I am emotionally drained. I'm feeling weighed down by guilt and carrying the blame for something that I don't feel i can help. I feel like all of the fingers are pointed at me for being the horrible person that always wants more and can never be satisfied by what she has. I feel like I'm expected to be perfect and I know that I will never achieve that.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Crawl in bed and stay there for as long as possible, so I don't have to be poly, so I don't have to be mono, so I don't have to keep repeating myself over and over when nobody listens. So I can't hurt anybody, or be hurt. I don't want to argue over who is wrong or who is right, or who's fault it is. I just want to sleep, and sleep. I'm tired.
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  #112  
Old 04-12-2011, 07:21 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Beodude, Jen loves you. She loves you. She loves you. Don't forget that.
That's right, Man - and you know it!
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
This insecurity and feeling inadequate is something that is there in you all the time, and has been triggered by this new chapter in your marriage. But it is yours to look at and decipher - with compassion for yourself. I think every time you tell yourself you are not enough for Jen, you need to step back from it and look at where in you that statement comes from. What other times in your life were you feeling "not enough?" It might have started in early childhood, and is a familiar feeling, but that doesn't mean it's valid or true. You are enough. This I know, even without knowing the two of you personally. You are enough. And Jen loves you.
This is something I brought up with you before, when I asked you if you loved yourself.

Listen: My father was always comparing me to my oh-so-much-more-responsible brother (who was 8 years older than me and had already left home by then... to another country!): "When Frisky-Tail [not his real name, Folks] was your age, I could have depended on him to (yadda yadda yadda). But you: I don't know!...[what I ever did to deserve a loser son like you.]" My eldest sister never tired of telling me that I broke everything I touched. I had an inferiority complex like nobody's business!... And I never really believed that anybody could love me. Because I didn't love myself.

[I love myself plenty now, but still nobody else loves me!]

I'm not a huge fan of professional counselling, but I think that you have things that you need to work out. Some of it - I suspect - has absolutely nothing to do with Jen. And maybe a professional (or at least somebody with experience) could help. Maybe you should think about counselling for yourself - as well as the marriage counselling with Jen.

If you even suspect that there's any hint of "Hey, Dude: you're really screwed up! You need professional help!" then you have no idea where I'm coming from (or what I've come through)!

I've read in the past about your pain and your doubts. Today I've read about your anger. You know that song?:

When things go wrong,
So wrong with you...
It hurts me too.

I have come to feel a certain affection for you and Jen through your posts and your attempts to reach a happy lifestyle / lovestyle. I want you both to be happy.

Love yourself at least enough to head for that. Please!
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If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #113  
Old 04-12-2011, 07:38 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
I just want to sleep, and sleep. I'm tired.
Maybe you do need some rest! Go have a massage and take a "mental health" day for yourself! At the very least, candle-lit bubblebaths often work wonders!
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  #114  
Old 04-12-2011, 09:48 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
I am exhausted. I feel like I speak a foreign language to everybody in this house. The kids don't listen to me the majority of the time. Hubby listens but doesn't understand. Everybody is whining, crying, hanging on me, upset about something. I am emotionally drained. I'm feeling weighed down by guilt and carrying the blame for something that I don't feel i can help. I feel like all of the fingers are pointed at me for being the horrible person that always wants more and can never be satisfied by what she has. I feel like I'm expected to be perfect and I know that I will never achieve that.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Crawl in bed and stay there for as long as possible, so I don't have to be poly, so I don't have to be mono, so I don't have to keep repeating myself over and over when nobody listens. So I can't hurt anybody, or be hurt. I don't want to argue over who is wrong or who is right, or who's fault it is. I just want to sleep, and sleep. I'm tired.
I haven't caught up on the whole thread. I just needed to say:
I can so understand this feeling. I'm sorry that you are having it. Hugs.
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  #115  
Old 04-17-2011, 03:38 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Thank you, I have gotten more sleep and feel a little better.

It's been weird around here for me. Quiet, but not. No text messages, no calls, nobody over for dinner. Kids are still being their typical noisy selves though. I'm pretty sure they have split personalities. One for me, one for everyone else.

Thursday we had another counseling session. Hubby discussed his anger. He seems less angry, but there has also been less poly discussion. Counselor suggested I back of from poly (which I feel I have been), while hubs works out his anger issues, and that hubs backs off from alcohol, which seems to make the anger issues worse.

Friday, our friend (and we've established over and over that he is JUST a friend), came over (with hubby's permission). He got here about 10 minutes before hubs got home from work, and hubby came in already angry. He did relax after a while, but I don't know why he came in already pissed off.

Yesterday our derby team had a crawfish boil fundraiser. It went from 1pm to 2am. I wanted to stay the whole thing but was afraid to ask, so instead I asked if he wanted me to work the early half or the late half. He said early. He came down with the kids for a bit, and while he was there I asked if he would mind if I came home and helped put the kids to bed and came back. He seemed really irritated that I asked. He said "I'd like to spend time with you this weekend". Which kind of frustrated me. I like to spend time with him too, but it's not like we have fundraisers every weekend, and I'm only limited to do weekend events since he works swing shift and is gone every night. He sent me a message later and said I could stay later if I wanted, but I already felt guilty about it, so I just stayed a little bit later and left at 7 instead of 6. I hate that I have fear and guilt about asking for anything anymore. I'm always afraid I'm crossing the line.

Otherwise things have been pretty good. Hubs and I went skating last Sunday together for a while and that was really nice. He even took a long break from work to come to my practice Monday and skated while we practiced. He wants his own skates so he doesn't have to use the crappy rink skates, so that makes me excited that he's enjoying something that I do. Especially a physical activity! Last night we watched a movie, and he brushed my hair, which makes me all warm and tingly inside. I LOVE getting my hair brushed! Even with all of the ups and downs, I love my hubby more than ever.

On the J front. I said (and am sticking by my guns), that I'm backing off while he figures out whatever he's doing with his girlfriend. I totally don't understand that situation, but if it makes him happy, then that's what matters. But it doesn't change the fact that I've been missing him terribly. Especially since it's been so quiet around here.. I keep trying to stay busy so I don't think about him much. Every now and then I look at her pictures of them together to remind myself why I'm doing this. It took a few times looking at them to not make my stomach go in knots, but I'm good now. Now I smile and think to myself that as weird as I think it is, she is the one he wants, and that I always knew there would be someone eventually. I'm content with that, but it doesn't change my feelings about him.

So yeah..that's this weeks update. I'm really hoping we start making some more progress. I know if it's not getting worse, it's progress, but I'm feeling really in limbo lately. Not really sure what's okay and what's not... when I should talk, and when I should keep my mouth shut. I long for certainty....and acceptance...and I fear neither will ever come.
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  #116  
Old 04-18-2011, 11:57 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Jen, I want to reply to more of your last post, but I've got 7 more minutes on-line time before they lock the doors. But I couldn't resist this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
Last night we watched a movie, and he brushed my hair, which makes me all warm and tingly inside. I LOVE getting my hair brushed!
I used to live in a street that was completely squatted, back in the late 70s, early 80s. LOTS of young, alternative people. Getting my long hair brushed by someone else (or brushing somebody else' hair) was a common experience. Like tribes of monkeys grooming each other. I really miss that! And YEAH! It's tingly!
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #117  
Old 04-25-2011, 04:01 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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I feel like things are continuing to get worse instead of better. I don't even think it's about poly anymore. I think poly was just the catalyst.

We had another big fight this weekend. Nothing poly related has gone on in about a month. The last time I saw J was when hubs sent him over after work. I've missed him, and I did say that I missed him, but I hadn't seen him and haven't been texting with him.

Friday was chatting with one of our friends, D, who also works with hubby and J, and lives on the street behind us. He was saying he didn't want to cook, so I asked hubby if we could invite him over for dinner, he said yes, so I did. D said that J was over, so I asked hubby if it was okay if he came too.. he said yes, so I told D that was fine.

They came over, ate, they all (Hubby, D and J) helped me highlight my hair by pulling it through the holes in the cap. Hubby got up and left at one point and was acting weird. I could tell he was uncomfortable, but didn't know why. Maybe because of J, but since D was there, we were all just being our usual selves.

AFter they left I asked him why he was uncomfortable and he said he didn't know, he didn't know how to act. I said that it was nice having the company over. Which led to what ended up being what the argument was over.

The guys had been talking about going out, and I asked hubs if he wanted to go out with them, and he said no, he just wanted to stay home and play video games. Okay. I said it would be nice if I could go out with my friends every now and then too. That I'm home every night pretty much by myself, and on the weekends we always do the same thing, not much. We usually do our own thing in the same room, or sometimes different rooms. I'll craft or sew, and he'll play games. Sometimes we watch a movie, or do whatever on our respective computers. Which is fine, it's what we've always done, and I'm comfortable with that. But sometimes it would also be nice to get out and socialize with friends... enjoy life.. maybe run into some stars (lots of big ones in our area lately, ha).

He said well the weekends are when he gets to spend time with me. Well, what the heck. I already cut back on work so I wouldn't have to run so many errands during the week so I could spend more time at home. I stay up most nights and wait for him to get off work so we can see each other for a bit. He said that during the week it isn't the same.

So, what does that all mean? Am I suppose to stay at home 24/7 and not have friends over, or get to go out? I can understand having a fear of poly, but I have never done anything that would cause me not to be trustworthy. Friends that would come over during the week are typically male, that are also his friends, because most of my female friends are married and spending time with their husbands who don't work swing shift. He's not comfortable with that, but at the same time when he's home on the weekend evenings that's HIS time so I cant ever go out then either? I'm not talking about EVERY weekend, or EVERY night, just occasionally. I'd like to be able to go out with my derby girls, or even maybe go out with the guys that are our FRIENDS if they don't mind me tagging along. Is that so much to ask? Am I wrong for wanting to have some socialization now that I actually know people?

He does give me "free time" during the day when the kids are awake. To be able to run errands kid free, or go skate or something. Which is nice, and do appreciate that. But I'm still alone. Like today, I skated 9 miles, went to starbucks and had a frapp by myself, went to a couple of stores to get some random stuff we needed. It was nice to get out, but it's still lonely.

It's not like I don't like hanging out with hubs either. I do, but sometimes I need a change of pace, get out and have some fun. He might find video games relaxing and fun, and I like watching him play, but that's not what does it for me.

I feel like everything is getting blamed on Poly, but after this weekend, I think there is something else that needs working on. I will have to bring it up to our counselor this week.
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  #118  
Old 04-25-2011, 12:36 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Of course you should be able to go out with friends! That's even a question on okc, do you need me time, or time w friends away from your lover? I think it's quite healthy. And it makes you more interesting... you can share what you did with your h later. Expand your horizons!

Definitely should be examined in your dynamic. It's a shame it has to be a fight, and not a loving conversation about your need for more stimulation from others.
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  #119  
Old 04-25-2011, 03:11 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Sounds to me like some co-dependency issues coming up, big time. We've had them, too. It's ironic that being someone's "everything" used to seem so appealing to me, and now it seems overwhelming! We are struggling with the balance between intimacy and SPACE, in our marriage. Sometimes I feel very despairing, fearing that we are never going to get it right But then we find ourselves doing ok. It's weird.
And trying to work poly around all the co-dependency stuff is EXTRA hard
Hang in there. I'm feeling for you.
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  #120  
Old 05-04-2011, 06:51 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Still hanging in there.. still having ups and downs.

We have been going to our counselor weekly. I don't know whether we are making progression, but we at least have a common goal. We both want hubby to be able to accept it. It makes me happy that he wants to try, for both of us. I appreciate it more than he could possibly know. It's still hard though. I think his biggest hang up is the thought of me having sex with somebody else. It makes him sick to his stomach.

To me, sex can have different meanings and different feelings. It depends with who, and why. With J, I wanted to do it because I felt like it was the next step in showing him how I feel, and had that connection with him. With some people, it's just a physical attraction, and nothing deeper. When I think of hubby having sex with somebody else, it doesn't bother me, in fact, I'm almost turned on by it. I don't see it as being equal to the sex that we have though.

On the J front.. I'm dealing with my own jealousy issues. He's fully "in love" with his gf. I read their posts to each other frequently because the more I submerse myself in it, the more comfortable I feel, even though the whole situation between them weirds me out, I want to be happy for him. I still miss him and spending time with him. I see him here and there and it's always friendly and I feel a small sense of relief.

I also find I'm missing NRE, and what it brought to my relationship with hubby. I wonder why I can't feel that way without having somebody else involved. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, because I love and am attracted to hubby every day.. but as far as the sex goes, that animalistic urge that came with NRE just isn't there. Maybe part of it was my elation with hubby's acceptance at the time? Maybe knowing how it turns his stomach now, makes me also look negatively at it, even though I feel like it's something I can't help.

It's getting really late and I have to be up early, so I'll end for now. I'm pretty tired and was just rambling what was going through my mind at the moment, so I apologize if things were jumping around!
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