Breakups and Social Circles?

[nycindie]

Just thought I'd share a response I posted to another thread about similar concerns:

Originally Posted by nycindie

. . . Now, about relating to all your mutual friends. I have been a part of several large circles of friends and acquaintances in the past. Both these groups saw lots of dating amongst each other going on.

. . . Personally, I had a few relationships in these circles that ended and I saw that instinctively I wanted to isolate myself from the pack to deal with it. But not hiding out helped immensely!! I still showed up to social events and get-togethers -- why be the one who's curled in a corner crying? -- and I reminded myself that I had every right to be out and about with them as he did. I had friends I wanted to stay in touch with. It's so easy to think that a group will follow conventional stupidity and take sides when a couple in their midst breaks up, but you can make sure you don't present an attitude that would be ripe for that happening.

I just held my held high, whether I felt I did something wrong in the relationship to bring about its end or not, and I talked about it to the people with whom I felt safe, until it could be acknowledged more openly among everyone. I talked about my feelings, without wanting to turn anyone against my new ex, but just to be heard. If you're careful not to trash someone after they break up with you, all your friends will likely be able to be supportive of both of you. Give yourself enough private time to mourn the relationship, too, and it won't be as hard to face all your mutual friends out in the open.

But go out and socialize with everyone just for the sake of getting out and being in the company of people you like. You don't have to talk abut it if you don't feel like it, either, and you can say so if someone asks what happened and you're not ready to answer. Just take care of yourself, whether you're alone or in a crowd.

Maybe this would be helpful. Anyone who chooses sides would seem to me to be rather immature, anyway, unless there was a reason, like one person was abusive or something.

[Ivy]

Thanks, that was helpful.

There is a line somewhere between that mourning period and outright withdrawal. I guess it depends on the friends and the relationship, but I'm really struggling with it.

My imagination is growing a juicy crop of fear and jealousy--I don't want to hear how much fun they've all been having without me! I REALLY don't want to hear how much hot sex they've all been having with my ex!!

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by Ivy

I REALLY don't want to hear how much hot sex they've all been having with my ex!!

Why would they tell you that? CoUldn't you ask them to please not tell you those things? Maybe with friends like these you don't need enemies?

(cue ass-whooping for being judgmental - it's been way too long)

[Ivy]

"Don't tell me, please" is like handing my brain a license to imagine the most mind-blowing gonzo technicolor ten-way sexscapade circus physically possible, with a big sign on the window saying "Ivy Not Invited."

Reality is slightly less painful (but only slightly).

And I can usually tell from the sheepish "I'm banging your ex" expression anyway.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Ivy

My imagination is growing a juicy crop of fear and jealousy--I don't want to hear how much fun they've all been having without me! I REALLY don't want to hear how much hot sex they've all been having with my ex!!

I doubt they'd be that insensitive, but if someone did say something... eh, why not?!! Wish everyone well. Even if your heart is broken, they'd only be talking about sex. You can choose which feelings to let bother you, as they come to the surface. Love is about wanting someone happy and free. Just think about the group of friends as a circle of fucking and sucking - your relationship was unique to the two of you, while the fucking and sucking continues. Make sense?

Shit, I remember hanging out with a group in which I'd dated this one guy. At the time, he had just started seeing someone new, and we were all together with a few other friends and his ex-gf. He was acting all cocky about showing up with a new babe on his arm, and I spoke up about some sexual liaison I'd had with him and a misunderstanding he'd made about us. His ex, who had been hurting about their break-up, was relieved to hear what I'd said, and his new chick was rethinking her involvement. We all felt free to talk about sex and relationships, and if anyone said anything that seemed purposely hurtful, others of us would call him or her on doing something like that. It's all a learning experience.

[MrFarFromRight]

All opinions that I express here are based on the premise that we can take your version of events to be true. (I write this because I'm a big believer in hearing all sides to any story. It doesn't mean that I doubt your word, but NONE of us are capable of being completely objective, and it would be holistic to read B and E's - and K's - take on what happened and why.)

Originally Posted by Ivy

Unfortunately, E and I had a somewhat messy breakup a little over a month ago.

To complicate matters, over the years I’ve been attracted to several of these people, but only one ever returned the flirtations, and that was a no-go because I was monogamous at the time. We agreed to remain friends. Ironically, he’s now E’s primary, and was the one who set E and I up to begin with. He’s also told me directly that he’s uncomfortable remaining friends with me in light of the breakup (but at least he was polite and honest about it).

I’m heartbroken over the breakup

Do you mean the break-up with E, or the one with that "only one [who] ever returned the flirtations" [whom I'll refer to here as "B"]? If the former, I'll get back to that after a few more quotes:

Originally Posted by Ivy

I’m not unattractive, but I could spend six weeks in a bar wearing nothing but lingerie and even the bartender wouldn’t offer me a drink.

I had to laugh at this one! I'm sure it's not true. But - on the unlikely chance that it is - I recommend that you hire (or buy: it's well worth watching again and again) the DVD (NOT the VHS version which cut the best [in my opinion] part of the film [the opening monologue by Jumper]) of Scorchers by writer/director David Beaird and pay attention to the character Talbot... before AND after she talks with Thais. (Highly under-rated film - tied #1 of my favourites.)

Originally Posted by Ivy

[B]First, [E]'s ability to garner male attention was astounding. Much of the time, she expressed no attraction toward these men, or even a bit of disgust, but would still cultivate their interest. The problem was, she seemed utterly unaware of others' feelings, and treated sex as something entirely meaningless.
[...]
Perhaps more significantly, I was realizing that I wasn't over my feelings for [B...] I realized I missed him very much, and that I was still attracted to him.

I told [E] this, of course. She became profoundly upset over it. She asked what my ideal outcome to the situation would be, and I told her, quite simply, that I wanted to be involved with both of them. She replied "Yeah, that's definitely not going to work."

Then, a few months later, [... E] was going into explicit detail about the depth of [B] and [K]'s involvement, and the intensity of feelings he had expressed for her, and I just wanted to leave. I couldn't listen any more. Finally, she was ending an explanation of the situation, and said "anyway, she really, really likes him, so I guess that's that." I snapped, "I really, really liked him too, you know." She just stared at me like I didn't get it, and said, "Well...sorry."

OK, that last quote was from another of your blogs, and brings me back to the first quote I use in this comment:

a) If it's B that you're "heartbroken over the breakup" with, I can well understand that, but frankly he seems to have been willing to give you up with just a whimper... Which makes him a wimp and totally undeserving of you.

b) "Unfortunately, E and I had a somewhat messy breakup" Frankly (and going by your version of the situation on these 2 blogs) I don't think that it's unfortunate at all. I think that you're well shot of her. First she seemed to treat you with disdain. Then - once she knew that you were interested in her - she seems (to me) to have decided to add your scalp to her collection. She seems (again - from your account) to be a predator, with little regard for the feelings of others, as long as she's having a great time.

c) I agree with others who have advised not jumping to the conclusion that mutual friends don't value your friendship. But (after honest communication) if they do turn out to be willing to drop you like a used tissue because of loyalty to E (or wanting to retain her sexual favours) [and this applies to B, as well]... walk away with your head up high and NO regrets, because "friends" like that ain't worth having.

d) Your husband - on the other hand - sounds like a winner!

[Ivy]

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight

All opinions that I express here are based on the premise that we can take your version of events to be true.

A very fair observation. My feelings are hurt, and I realize much of my anxiety of my friends' reactions is motivated by further fear of loss. Only so much pain a girl can handle in one go.

(And E has her own problems, which give her behavior so much context, but I'm not comfortable disclosing them here--they're hers, not mine.)

The breakup has really magnified my insecurities, hence the bar comment. I've also had people tell me I give off an "anti-sex" vibe (including some of these friends, as well as my husband, who teases me pretty mercilessly about it). Probably a defensive holdover from my earlier years, but still, a habit that needs to be broken.

Scorchers is on my must-view list already from reading another thread.

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight

d) Your husband - on the other hand - sounds like a winner!

So absolutely true. Which makes it easier to lie on the couch in my PJs, wallow in brokenheartedness, and avoid rebuilding friendships. ComfyHappyFail.

[MrFarFromRight]

Originally Posted by Ivy

(And E has her own problems, which give her behavior so much context, but I'm not comfortable disclosing them here--they're hers, not mine.)

I can imagine - for example - a deep-seated insecurity driving somebody to treat others with contempt and/or as trophies. E's problems - whatever they are - are her business. But they don't give her a moral right to treat others badly.

[HappiestManAlive]

I was actually on the opposite side of this when evrythig went south with Adrian. ALL my friends - EVERY SINGLE ONE - took my (or "our, including Violet and Lana" as they saw it) side, and weren't very nice about it. This really upset me - I know Adrian was hurting too, and didn't need the blatant shunning on top of it. At one point i actually had to call some people out on it on FB, their comments on one status update got so mean spirited.

When my previous ex (before Violet and I got together) and I broke up, it was messy with friends. People I'd known twice as long or more than she had stopped talking to ME becuase she skewed their perceptions of the situation. Some mutual friends turned on her amid my protests. It took over a year to settle down, and some of those bonds never reconnected. Oddly, a very good mutual friend started dating her shortly after the breakup, and our friendship survived, and survived THEM breaking up, and survived Violet and I dating HIS ex at the same time (remember Anne?) whom MY ex that he was now seeing had set him up with, LMAO! And he is still close to her and to me/us - though NONE of us talk to Anne anymore, lol. Some friendships are made of stronger stuff I guess.

[MrFarFromRight]

Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive

I was actually on the opposite side of this when evrythig went south with Adrian. ALL my friends - EVERY SINGLE ONE - took my (or "our, including Violet and Lana" as they saw it) side, and weren't very nice about it. This really upset me - I know Adrian was hurting too, and didn't need the blatant shunning on top of it. At one point i actually had to call some people out on it on FB, their comments on one status update got so mean spirited.

You are a rare, caring, fair-minded person.

Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive

Some friendships are made of stronger stuff I guess.

And some people are woven of finer thread.