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Old 05-02-2011, 11:58 PM
Wolfie Wolfie is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 5
Question I'm not Poly, but he is

I'm more than a little confused in this relationship, which is only about 5 weeks old. One solution would be to talk it over with him, but he doesn't listen well. I think I need to be more certain of myself and what I'm saying before I approach him.

We're older, which matters only because at our ages (52 and 67), finding suitable partners is hard. For me, it's the difference between being alone or not. I've only been single for 2 1/2 years after a 32 year relationship. (I met my ex when I was 17, married at 20, separated at 49.)

Prior to our first date, I didn't know he was poly. I told him on the phone that I was looking for forever and Mr. Right. He said he wasn't anyone's Mr. Right. I laughed and said that was okay, I could still have fun with Mr. Right Now.

Our first date was great. We got along well. He told me about being poly, and I didn't see that it affected me much. Since he wasn't a candidate for my next spouse, it didn't matter to me what he did on his nights off. I told him frankly that when I ended up in an exclusive relationship, that would be the end of this one. He agreed, and I figured that was the end of the discussion. I was wrong.

His longtime partner wanted to meet me, so I opted to go to one of the social events of the local poly group. You know, neutral turf, as it were. It went well, but I'm still not all that interested in the lifestyle.

Despite his assurances to the contrary, our relationship is mostly about sex. He thinks it's the best he's ever had; I think it's adequate and vanilla. You can guess who the kinky one is! If I wanted to go out, I'm sure we could, we just don't. And maybe when I lose that "new girlfriend" smell, I'll get taken for rides instead of ridden hard.

So, what is it that confuses me? Well, if I'm the girlfriend of a married poly man, ostensibly forming one leg (arm?) of a vee with him as the hinge, what responsibility do I have to his wife? What responsibility do I have to the poly community that they belong to? I'm invited to participate in all these activities, but I don't want to. The wife feels rejected if I don't go. I really don't feel like my relationship is with her, but there are probably social mores I don't understand in the poly world. I thought I was entering into a non-exclusive relationship with an interesting guy who happened to be married. I think now that it's more complicated than that.

Tell me, please. What have I gotten myself into? Is my view so skewed that someone is going to get very hurt? Should I end this immediately? Or am I seeing it fairly clearly, and it's okay for me not to forge a relationship with the wife or declare that I've chosen poly as a lifestyle?

Thanks for any advice you care to offer.

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boundaries, new to polyamory, poly living, vee dynamics

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