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  #21  
Old 04-04-2011, 05:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
It's not as though I believe women need to be treated with "kid-gloves"... this is more about sensitivity to a partner who is currently feeling insecure.
I understand, but usually when you walk on eggshells around someone's insecurities, it only magnifies them. I think it's always better to be direct than trying to figure out how to say something in order not to hurt someone's feelings. When someone tries to soften the blow of some communication to me, I tend to get more frustrated, even if I am insecure about the topic. She brought it up, and was making her own conclusion about how pretty L is, so it seems to me, even if she is insecure in some ways, that she could handle an affirmative answer better than you thought she would. I found that some of the biggest mistakes I made in my marriage was trying to do or say what I thought my husband wanted to hear instead of just being me and being direct. Just a little of my experience.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-04-2011 at 05:49 PM.
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  #22  
Old 04-04-2011, 09:52 PM
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About the only reason I extrapolated beyond "yup" with my response is because I've given her the "yup" answer before regarding L's prettiness... besides, with G, it's not so much that she needs me to be more careful how I say things, so much as she wants to see me making an effort to be sensitive to her feelings.

And yeah, DEFINITELY agreed that often times trying to put things "more gently" can just end up digging your grave deeper. Good to hear there are women out there who just like straight-up bluntness!
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  #23  
Old 04-11-2011, 05:09 AM
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Apparently she did ask that question out of insecurity. G is getting better about dealing with it, and I think she understands that L gives me something that G cannot, nor would I want her to.

Lately, L has been going through some pretty deep and shockingly difficult spiritual things (G and I both practice what most would call Magic though in different ways), and G has been very sensitive to it, and supportive. She even asks to make sure L is ok after I talk with her - I think she's beginning to feel empathy for L because she knows I love her, and when she hurts, it hurts me. It's hard to see L going through something like this, and being basically unable to do anything to stop it. I help in what ways I can, of course, and I need to go to her and see her soon. G was understanding about me needing to see her last time, and the result of our conversations has been very positive. She's been communicating a lot more (and was more insecure than I realized), but is doing better every day. She's even mentioned dating a few times, and sex between us has been good.

I talked before about seeing the three adult owls living together... Today, G saw three adult doves together in the yard, and mentioned it quite specifically to me. The effort she's putting forth to love and support me even though it's hard for her just makes me love her even more with every passing day, and L is the kind of woman that makes me want to be a better man, a better husband, and a better father. The radiant love and positivity in my life right now is unbelievable, and with a foundation like this, I feel very confident that together, we can handle anything that comes our way.
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  #24  
Old 05-01-2011, 07:27 PM
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G is still having a hard time with this. I'm continuing to give her love and support, but I'm trying not to "go the extra mile" too much to show her I love her, because I'm afraid of setting an unsustainable precedent, and when the extra effort eventually tapers off as its bound to, she'll be right back to square 1. So instead, I'm making careful, calculated efforts and just focusing on being a good lover and husband every day, rather than trying to do something over the top and dramatic. I want things to "settle-in" a bit, I guess. I think they're starting to, anyways.

L's spiritual ordeals have settled down, though perhaps not entirely concluded. I see her at least one night a week, and the bond between us is growing, though it'll never be the same as what G and I share. I believe L and I are both OK with this, though I can tell L wants more... she just knows that I'm not the man who can GIVE her more. I can't be her husband, I'm already a husband.

I've been reading "Sex at Dawn", and that book and I are essentially on exactly the same page. The questions the author asks regarding the "established" view are exactly the same ones I raised as an Anthropology student, and the conclusions he's drawn are very much in line with how I see human sexuality. The difficult question then becomes, how do I go about recommending this book to friends and family without coming "out" completely?

There has been a little bit of drama lately, and I'm a little unsure of how I should feel about it. Right now, I'm feeling some mixed emotions. Last week, when I was visiting L, I came back from work late, and as I was getting to her place, she was heading out for a meeting with photographers and some other models regarding a shoot to take place Saturday (yesterday). I ate and went to bed, exhausted after a 12 hour day, and expected her home at some point before the middle of the night, but she didn't come back until 2:30, and she was stumbling around. I assumed she was drunk, but she didn't smell drunk, and I know she doesn't do drugs. She was confused because she didn't have much to drink (4 or 5 over several hours, which for her is very little - I've personally seen her put away a couple bottles of wine and still be totally together), and through a clumsy confused babble, I gathered that someone had slipper her a roofy and that her friend and former bodyguard from the previous summer's work had decked the guy and brought her home, knowing I'd be there to take care of her. Needless to say, I was not pleased one bit that he'd let her drink out of his sight for a moment, and I was mad at myself for going to sleep instead of going out and keeping an eye on her. She'd never had this happen before, and apparently it was a guy she had seen around before, but not someone she really knows. Just someone she'd seen at shoots and events. I helped her around the house, to the bathroom, to eat some food, drink some water, get undressed, etc, as motor control is rather lacking when rohypnol or a similar skeletal muscle relaxer is in the mix. She felt ok the next day, and I was worried about the upcoming shoot, but she assured me she'd be well looked after and OK. ...then, last night, G and I were sound asleep, when at 2 AM I got a call from L. It happened again, and this time she was at home alone afterwards without me to help her. I felt angry and powerless, being two hours away, but also annoyed by the fact that she let this happen to her again. So I talked her through it, made sure she got into bed ok, made her promise to sleep on her stomach or side. She seemed together enough to get to sleep ok, so I didn't drive up (I wouldn't have made it there until almost 5 anyways)... though I offered, she said she didn't want to spark G's ire anymore than she had already by calling so late, and frankly I agreed with that assessment. I haven't heard from her today, and I'm a little worried, but I also know that she's definitely got something nasty to sleep off.

In G's mind, she's annoyed that we were woken up, that L would let this happen to her TWICE, and as a grown woman, should take better care of herself. She was also peeved that I was ready to head up there for her, but in truth, I would have headed up for any of my friends had they truly needed my help, and G knows that I'm that sort of man. It's part of why she loves me.

Part of what I'm feeling now is guilt at my annoyance, and that I didn't go to her, even though I know she didn't want to be alone. I feel like my loyalty was divided, and that I spared G emotional pain at the expense of L's physical risk. I guess I'm mad at myself, and annoyed at G for her selfishness, even though I completely understand it. Sigh.
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  #25  
Old 05-01-2011, 10:42 PM
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Just got off the phone with L. She's in the hospital. Apparently a little while after she got off the phone with me, she started feeling a lot worse and very nauseated, so she called another friend who lives closer. When he showed up, he took her to the hospital, where they pumped her stomach and ran tests to find she had been given a double dose of rohypnol and a near overdose level of cocaine - she doesn't do drugs at all, and has never smoked pot, so as you can imagine, she has about zero tolerance for these things, and was in a bad, bad way.

I want to go to her for moral support, and to take her home, but G is really being nasty about the whole thing. I should have gone last night. I'm in a lose-lose situation now. Go? Fucked. Stay? Fucked.
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  #26  
Old 05-01-2011, 10:47 PM
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Why is G being nasty? L could have tried all she wanted to prevent it; if someone wants to drug someone they will find a way. The only thing you can do is hold onto your drink everywhere, bring it into the bathroom with you, etc. It could have even been slipped in before she got the drink.

I hope she doesn't party with those people anymore.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2011 at 10:50 PM.
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  #27  
Old 05-01-2011, 11:27 PM
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G is just getting worse and worse. Now she's saying things like, "If you really loved me, why would you do this to me?"


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why is G being nasty? L could have tried all she wanted to prevent it; if someone wants to drug someone they will find a way. The only thing you can do is hold onto your drink everywhere, bring it into the bathroom with you, etc. It could have even been slipped in before she got the drink.

I hope she doesn't party with those people anymore.
I hope so too. She and I think it was the same person or group of people who did it, because they had recognized her initially when she was in the bar with her friends and photographers, and she thinks it might have been them at this party after the event.

G is being more and more selfish, and it's really pissing me off. She keeps throwing Poly in my face, and saying that I pushed her into it, and that if she told everyone what was going on, who would they side with. Ugh. This could really get ugly.

Last edited by TheBlackSwede; 05-01-2011 at 11:51 PM.
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  #28  
Old 05-02-2011, 12:35 AM
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I swear, my life is a pendulum. Now it seems G is saying that it makes more sense for me to go up now, when she needs me, because we have stuff to deal with later this week here. Trying to please her is making me crazy.

Edit: Now she says she wants me to go so she can process. Kinda feels like she's kicking me out of the house, but not entirely.

I've refused to go, so that we can sort things out and work on us. I think its important, but she definitely needs to learn to process jealousy, because she can't seem to shake it.

Last edited by TheBlackSwede; 05-02-2011 at 02:17 AM.
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  #29  
Old 05-02-2011, 05:34 PM
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I stayed, and I felt torn about it. Still do. I feel that L's emotional need of me in this moment was greater, but I chose to stay with G because she needed me as well, but for reasons stemming from ego. I chose G's ego of L's heart, and it was hard to do. I just hope I haven't broken it. I suppose I would understand if I have.
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  #30  
Old 05-02-2011, 08:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
. . . she wants me to go so she can process. Kinda feels like she's kicking me out of the house, but not entirely.

I've refused to go, so that we can sort things out and work on us. I think its important, but she definitely needs to learn to process jealousy, because she can't seem to shake it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
I stayed, and I felt torn about it. Still do.
Wondering why you couldn't give her the "alone time" she wanted?

I often process my feelings much better on my own than when someone is there asking/expecting/forcing me to look at stuff on their terms and not in my own way. Did you feel that staying to "sort things out and work on us" was the only way she should handle her emotions and reactions? Or were you just feeling rejected?

Personally, I can really understand and identify with G's need to be left alone. Solitude can be very healing.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-02-2011 at 08:12 PM.
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