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  #31  
Old 04-29-2011, 06:25 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Awww, thank you for sharing that beautiful moment with us. It is promising. When people love each other, they can find strength to face so much more than they ever thought possible. I have no doubts that you did your best to set her mind at ease this morning.

And I think it's obvious to all here that you are not a "callous screw-up."
*blush*

Yesterday morning, I told her that she was so worth keeping, and that I knew she was still scared, so I would be very careful with her feelings.

Last night and this morning, we shared some wonderful time together that has me skipping through the halls at work. It's like I have NRE with my wife!
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  #32  
Old 04-29-2011, 07:40 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
Last night and this morning, we shared some wonderful time together that has me skipping through the halls at work. It's like I have NRE with my wife!
That's because she's sharing these moments with the REAL you!
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  #33  
Old 04-30-2011, 06:31 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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That's because she's sharing these moments with the REAL you!
Well, now I'm not so sure. We had some amazing time together today and tonight. I can't remember when I'd felt such undiluted love and desire for her. Not carrying guilt over concealing my feelings will do that, I guess.

Now, that said, she said some things today that have left me confused. She made some remark about "in this new arrangement" earlier, but I was so fogged with physical desire for her that I don't remember what was said, but those words at least were encouraging. Later, after we had been intimate (and holy $#!k it was better than I ever remembered), she made a remark about me not looking anywhere else for what we'd just had, so I'm wracking my brain trying to think if I've said anything over the past week, while trying to reassure her, that has ended up misleading her. What we felt today was so intense, and so beautiful, and I don't want to spoil it by starting another round of "protective deception," as it were, but I also don't want to be pushy about poly--I am well and truly willing to wait in order to work on us as a couple first, but having still imagined being in love with my crush (to whom I have never disclosed my feelings nor have I begun anything in any way) today even while still being in the throes of very intense love for my wife, and having still felt giddy about what I imagined, I don't believe that what I've interpreted as my poly feelings are in any way just substitutions for the closeness that my wife and I used to have. That closeness was back today, stronger than I've ever felt it, yet my other feelings were still there.

We're seeing the therapist together in a couple of days. Out of deference to not being pushy about poly, I wonder if I should wait until then, or if I should risk pushing her back to her scared place by (gently) making sure that none of us are living under miscommunication and the resultant misconceptions. I can see arguments either way. I'd really hate to have her feel relief and intense love based upon a misconception, only to have that dashed hard in a few days, but I also would really hate to push on the topic while she's just barely over the initial shock (or is that really just me being a chickenshit like I was for so many years in the first place?).
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  #34  
Old 04-30-2011, 02:31 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Perhaps a gentle reminder that the issue is not resolved for you, while stressing that you have enjoyed the time you've had, but you want to wait until therapy discuss it so that the discussion can be as constructive as possible?

I'll get Indigo on here, because he can offer better perspective on what words might be best received by your wife.
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  #35  
Old 04-30-2011, 03:14 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Perhaps a gentle reminder that the issue is not resolved for you, while stressing that you have enjoyed the time you've had, but you want to wait until therapy discuss it so that the discussion can be as constructive as possible?

I'll get Indigo on here, because he can offer better perspective on what words might be best received by your wife.
Given your particular situation, perhaps Mr. A's perspective would also be valuable, if he has the inclination.

Thanks!
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  #36  
Old 04-30-2011, 03:26 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
Given your particular situation, perhaps Mr. A's perspective would also be valuable, if he has the inclination.

Thanks!
He came into the relationship when it was already me and Indigo. Most of the issues he worked through revolved around feeling like the other man, not the anxieties of opening a previously mono relationship.

He's not on here. Prefers to just live our life, not dissect it. Sometimes I wonder if he's the most well-adjusted one among us!

Indigo just finished reading; you should get a reply soon.
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  #37  
Old 04-30-2011, 03:47 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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I saw the "IM" signal and came as soon as I could, what seems to be the problem commissioner?

Well first and foremost I think you are confused by your wife's actions and words because she is confused by them too. Speaking from experience she needs reassurance (as it has been mentioned) because I imagine she is feeling less than adequate to put it mildly. No matter how you have explained it or rationalized your mindset to her inevitably she is feeling unwanted and feels like now she is in direct competition for a prize (you) she thought she had already won. Best thing you can do is reassure her that you love her and that while this change is something you need, the "new you" is still in love with her.

Any insecurities she had about herself, your relationship, or her life in general just had a magnifying glass put on them by telling her; by no means should you have not told her, but be prepared for peaks and valleys of being ok or not ok with poly. I think her actions with the time spent together (your self described NRE with your wife) are her attempt to show you she can be what she thinks you want her to be, she may be trying to show you she can be what you are looking for. I say this because at first I saw poly as just a way for TP to sleep with other people (it wasn't but that's how my emotional side viewed it) and I imagine your wife might have the same feelings and is trig to compensate for shortcomings she thinks you believe she has. Reassurance is key, and honesty about what you really want (physical vs. Emotional for poly.)

I should point out that when TP and I first started dating she made it clear that she wanted nonmongamy but was willing to work up the trust before opening the relationship; your wife didn't have that benefit. Hard question time: do you want to stay married and be nonmonagmous? Or are you convincing yourself you still want to be married for your son and because it's the status quo? So it comes down to you really wanting nonmongamy or saying you want it to rationalize feelings for other people and a wandering eye? (neither are bad but there's a distinction to be made between those and Poly.)

I had to ask similar questions of TP when it came time to open the relationship: did she still want to be with me or just be back single and dating again?

Ultimately your honest is your biggest credit right now but dont take her mixed messages at face value; as was said she needs to know you value her feelings in this.
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  #38  
Old 04-30-2011, 04:05 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Any insecurities she had about herself, your relationship, or her life in general just had a magnifying glass put on them by telling her; by no means should you have not told her, but be prepared for peaks and valleys of being ok or not ok with poly. I think her actions with the time spent together (your self described NRE with your wife) are her attempt to show you she can be what she thinks you want her to be, she may be trying to show you she can be what you are looking for. I say this because at first I saw poly as just a way for TP to sleep with other people (it wasn't but that's how my emotional side viewed it) and I imagine your wife might have the same feelings and is trig to compensate for shortcomings she thinks you believe she has. Reassurance is key, and honesty about what you really want (physical vs. Emotional for poly.)
This, especially. She may very well be trying to show you that you don't need anyone else. If this is the case, it will be very important to clarify that the enthusiasm you had for having your wife back should not be confused with admitting you were wrong and you don't want anyone but her.
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  #39  
Old 04-30-2011, 04:15 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I would also suggest taking a read through Freetime's thread, here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7618

Notice how he oscillates between being okay, being great, and also thinking his marriage is done. It's a very real accounting of how the mono partner feels.

That said, I think Freetime made HUGE progress, very quickly, so don't expect your wife to do the same.
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  #40  
Old 04-30-2011, 10:51 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I am glad TP and Indigo responded; I wanted to, but since I've yet to be in a situation like yours, thought it best to wait for others' input.

I agree that your wife likely feels threatened by your revelation and is focusing on the sexual aspect that she probably sees as the reason why you want to explore polyamory. If I were her, I'd be doing the same thing, trying to make you "see what you'd be missing" if you went elsewhere, and give you reasons to want me more and forget about this "silly" idea you have. It is very easy to feel totally insecure about being desired. Plus, most woman know that a man can become pretty drunk on sex, which puts them in better shape to be convinced of something (that's just intuitive, not necessarily manipulative).

She is probably absolutely terrified of your choosing someone else over her, or of leaving her. Terror is extreme fear, but the quality of being unseen or unknown sets it apart from horror, which is what we feel when confronted head-on and we see what it is we're horrified by. In reality, we never really know what the future holds, but when someone has counted on something to go a certain way and has expectations that life will continue on in a pretty predictable route, the unknown can really throw us off-balance completely and terrify us to the core.

Plus, I think that your "confession" has thrown her for a loop; it doesn't make sense to her. She is grasping at the most obvious "reason" she can find for what she sees as a complete 360 about-face on your part, of course not understanding how you've struggled for so long. And that it must have something to do with her desirability or your sex life, would be the most obvious to a woman, I think. She might even be surprised that you still want to go with her to a therapist, if she believes she's done a "good job" of convincing you that she is all you need.

The trick is to let her know that the increased ardor and closeness you two have been experiencing in the last few days is something you appreciate, are thrilled with, and want to continue, but that it isn't what has prompted you to broach the topic with her.

But no one here has really answered your question yet, I don't think, of whether you should continue in this blissful state for a few days and wait until therapy to remind her of the changes you want to see happen, or do you bring it up now so she doesn't get her hopes up too high that all you needed was a reminder of how good it is with her. I don't see how it could hurt to gently and lovingly tell her at the next opportune moment, if it feels right, "You know I love you, and we still have a lot to talk about."
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