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Old 04-30-2011, 06:32 AM
Ivy's Avatar
Ivy Ivy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 89
Default Breakups and Social Circles?

So, Iím new to polyamory and I think Iím failing at it pretty badly so far. Or maybe associating with the wrong people. Or something.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We were monogamous until about a year ago, when I started dating ďE." Unfortunately, E and I had a somewhat messy breakup a little over a month ago.

The breakup itself needed to happen, and we settled that peacefully. We were incompatible on many levels, but most significantly, we had very different personal histories and levels of sexual confidence. E is the type who can walk into a grocery store and come out with a new sexual partner (and probably will, if sheís in the mood). Iím not unattractive, but I could spend six weeks in a bar wearing nothing but lingerie and even the bartender wouldnít offer me a drink.

E and I had the same circle of friends, and, because of her confidence, she has on-and-off sexual relationships with most of these people. Since our breakup, almost all of them have cut off contact with me, but remain in (very) close contact with her. I canít help but suspect theyíre doing that because they want to maintain their sexual relationships with her. Theyíre simply applying a cost-benefit analysis, and choosing sides based on it.

To complicate matters, over the years Iíve been attracted to several of these people, but only one ever returned the flirtations, and that was a no-go because I was monogamous at the time. We agreed to remain friends. Ironically, heís now Eís primary, and was the one who set E and I up to begin with. Heís also told me directly that heís uncomfortable remaining friends with me in light of the breakup (but at least he was polite and honest about it).

Iím heartbroken over the breakup, but to compound the pain, Iíve lost most of my social supports. My husbandís been tremendously encouraging, but his kind words arenít helping as much as they should. My sexual confidence has somehow gotten worse, and Iím even skittish about getting nekkid around my husband now. In theory, Iíd like to start dating againómy husband thinks this would help my confidence, and I agree, sort ofóbut the thought is just plain terrifying.

I havenít had a whole lot of breakups in my life, but especially not poly ones. Is it normal for entire social circles to vanish like this? ĎCause it really sucks.
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