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Old 04-28-2011, 08:05 PM
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gamerprincess gamerprincess is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Southern California
Posts: 83
Default Gamerprincess's Journey

I figured I might as well start one of these and stop crowding up the other topics As of now, I guess I'm a bisexual mono with a straight poly boyfriend. I'm not interested in seeing anyone else outside of our relationship but since our unicorn hunt didn't go so well and boredom ensued, he wants to see other women casually. Maybe more I guess if the right one came along.

For a history of my story, here's my previous threads so far regarding my journey, which is brand new after years of discussing different options in poly. Lots of jealousy, worry, hurt, insecurity and learning about myself and him. It's like we've started a whole new relationship after 6 years with one another, rediscovering and learning new things about each other, both positive and negative.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9118

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9189

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9210

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9326

So, after discussing that we've got different communication needs, I took Derby's advice and asked him if we could figure out a meeting time we could make to talk poly stuff. He said he wasn't sure what would be good because sometimes he does like talking about it more than others, but as long as I don't do it 24/7 like I have been, that's fine.

I've decided to try to limit it to once a day in the evenings if I've got questions or to discuss how we are feeling about things. I will refrain from texting him throughout the day on it and then talking at night about it too. Yes, just typing that makes me really realize how nutty I've been being. I've gotta say I am ashamed with myself for that and I will be sure to tell him tonight that I apologize for my irrational mood swings and obsessiveness recently over it and that going forward I am going to be sure to check in with myself more often.

Previously I've mentioned the girl he was talking to, and how I had a gut feeling she wasn't right due to past decisions she's made and how I felt she tried to trap her previous married boyfriend who was cheating on his wife, I'm happy to say that he's decided he isn't interested in meeting her anymore. I know my behavior and attitude has made it stressful and probably was a big factor in the decision, but I also know that I was not comfortable with how loose and careless she had been in the past and I stand my ground firm on those feelings. I also don't like how she strictly dates attached or married men because she doesn't want a commitment, yet she never wants to meet the wife or girlfriend. She's always kind of been the dirty little secret. I think she likes that for some sick reason, and I'm not OK with that. if they had met and started dating, I know she's in his life and I want her to meet me and acknowledge I'm in his.

Overall, she's not what I pictured she would be in his life and in mine, because inevitably, she'd be taking away some of my time to be with him and it will affect my life, where I want someone who wants to be a part of my life too. Doesn't have to be romantic or sexual with me, though that would be wonderful...It just has to be a level of respect, friendship and the common goal of making him happy while enriching all of our lives. I want us all to hang out, watch movies, cuddle with him, go out and have fun. I thought thats what he wanted too, but I guess thats something I need to ask him to be sure he wants that too. Gotta find a good way for him to tell me his wants and expectations without continually being pushy.

I also want us to have alone time with him too and that's where this notion and wanting of a friend and someone I trust with him is so important to me. Sometimes I worry we will never find that and the only way he's going to live out his needs sexually to be with another woman, is to do just that outside of the relationship and that me not being present in that relationship kind of makes me fade away into the background.

A lot of this I know has to deal with the fear of abandonment for me or feelings of inadequacy and I'm trying to address those.

He still wants me to look for a unicorn as he knows that's what would make me the happiest and would make him happy by fulfilling his desire and need for another relationship and not just sex with someone else. However, he still wants to be open to seeing other women without me in it until we find our match. I can definitely compromise on that one and who knows, maybe that's how we'll find our match. I hope I feel differently next time around then I did over this girl. Hopefully I felt that way given her past when I was already new to this and already had fears of someone trying to take him away from me.

I'm glad that I have an outlet here to write down all of my fears, needs and progress as we go through this!

Last edited by gamerprincess; 04-28-2011 at 08:10 PM.
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