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Old 04-28-2011, 04:06 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 495
Default Keeping a rein on thoughts...

I'm having an issue that I'm trying to work on, and I thought I'd ask here and see if there was any advice.

Some background on me, my husband and I are nonmonogamous. I would say poly, but I think it's a work in progress for us. We have never been monogamous since we met, he knew I was poly and didn't expect to change, he had never had a long-lasting relationship, mostly because he wasn't monogamous and didn't necessarily handle it well. He is also 9 years younger than me, so at the time was only 24. I mention that because as he's gotten older I realized that for the most part he does want relationships with the people he's with, even if they are more friends than romantic.

Over the time we've been together he's had other relationships, but mostly long distance with the same people (an ex, another lady who lives in another city). I have not had any other relationship since we've been together mostly because at the time I had two younger (5 and 8) kids and was just separated from my ex and was working so I either spent time with him, or with my kidlets or at work and there wasn't a lot of extra time (or energy!). Then a few years ago I started having some health issues that affected my energy (and sex drive), so I have been really focused on getting better as opposed to getting some from somewhere else.

Also, it just takes me a lot more to really connect with anyone enough to want to bring sex into the mix-- and I haven't been getting out enough to meet people enough to make that connection. I'm actually fine with this, it's temporary and I'm happy enough with everything I'm doing now.

At the moment, he's across the country for 7 months for his work (military), which makes connecting/reconnecting a little more difficult but not impossible. We text a lot, talk almost daily and skype here and there. I've been to see him once, and we're meeting up somewhere else in a couple of weeks for a weekend. I'm also going out for 5 days in July.

My issue is this... whenever my hubs is with one of his loves I tend to get time-obsessive. As in, "It's x o'clock here, which means it's y o'clock where he is, what are they doing now?" It's a bit intrusive into my own life at times, and takes away from other things I'm doing. I've thought about it a lot lately to try to see where it comes from and I am thinking it's maybe just plain old curiosity of wanting (theoretically) to know something that I don't know.

I want to be at the point where if he's off with someone else I can go about my business and enjoy what I'm doing without all of the mental goings-on that are happening right now.

This weekend, one of his amours is flying out to see him. I know her, she knows me, I like her and vice versa. She's got two kids and has had a hard couple of years, and honestly I think she could use the weekend! So there's no jealousy there, no personality issues. On top of that, I'm going to a conference this weekend that I've really been looking forward to, and that should be really fun and enjoyable and meeting some new people in my future field. I'm hoping that with all that going on, the "distraction" part will be less, but still would appreciate any opinions on either why I might be doing this, and/or what kinds of processes have people done to stop!

I am going to a counselor next week (It's a requirement of my program as a future counselor), so I'll talk with her about that and some other things I have going on. But definitely if anybody has some insight that would be much appreciated.

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