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  #11  
Old 04-28-2011, 07:23 AM
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Interesting thread all around.

Quote:
The second person, sure. We see it happen here. I think there can be an allowance for confusion if someone is non-monogamist but brought up in monogamy. However... I would hazard a guess that most cheaters end up not being able to stay with the person they initially cheated with.
D has this- wiring. I've known him through at least one monogamous relationship that ended up dissolving, largely due to his cheating, but also because he was unhappy with the relationship and trying to be monogamous. That was a situation with a lot of jealousy on one side, that if I recall drove him... kinda nuts.

Given time in a monogamous relationship, as much as I hate to admit it, I would probably lean the same direction. There's just so many people out there.
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  #12  
Old 04-28-2011, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
Good one. A thinking question.
-R
Hear hear! Yep, I think I have to let go of the idea of transforming someone from a 'cheating fetishist' to 'happily poly'. There may come a time in their life when they want to take a look at what makes them tick the way they do, but it isn't now and it certainly isn't my job.
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  #13  
Old 04-28-2011, 03:24 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
You missed the cheater that has lost intimate connection with thier current partner and is in the relationship because of external factors....future planning, house, finances, good life team, etc, etc. That''s the type I was. I wasn't looking for any freedom and certainly wasn't addicted to cheating. I lacked something and wound up finding it somewhere else.

If I had of worked on maintaining that connection then I doubt I ever would have strayed.

I don't cheat any more. I've learned enough to let go honestly if I was to loose connection.
I probably missed a few types to be honest . I am far from a cheating expert. Only covered the two I know in person.

I do wonder how common each happens. Almost every cheater I know does it for the thrill/fuck/conquest. Telling the wife removes the fun.

Its an interesting topic.
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  #14  
Old 05-03-2011, 05:39 AM
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For me, i have always felt that cheating means the same in a relationship is it does in monopoly or chequers. " breaking the rules"

If you step outside of the established rules of your relationship, then you have cheated.

I would say this applies not only to love and sex but to money, health, and any other aspect that effects a relationship.

So, with this information in mind, I would say that for most people, cheating is a secret ways to say "I am better than you, i am better than any rules we agree to, and I am, special enough to be the one person on earth who never gets caught."

I know this attitude well because it is something I struggle against, especially when my partner hurts my feelings or makes me angry.

So, I think with few exceptions, cheating is a mind-set and defense mechanism. It can be repressed, but i am not sure it is changeable.
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  #15  
Old 05-10-2011, 07:51 PM
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Hi Everyone,

I've been absent from the forum for a while - partially because my relationship is going well and partially because most of my friends now know about it and so I can talk to them about stuff. If you want details, I can post them on my thread, but I am here for another purpose.

I am seeking advice for something I cannot talk about amongst my group. I have a friend, we'll call her M who is married to another friend, E. M is having a rough time right now with regards to her marriage and recently told me she cheated on E while out of town with another close friend, J (who is also married!).

These people are all in our close knit group of friends, and I am kinda annoyed she spilled the beans to me because I have NO CLUE what to do, and if there is even anything I can/should do.

Now, here's the ringer: M has cheated before... last year, with ME. I've posted this story on here before. The thing is, I feel I was essentially lied to in that scenario, I talked with my SO, Ouroboros BEFORE anything happened, AND after as well. We talked about it, I don't care if anyone else knows, I am an open book. She knows he knows, I thought her husband didn't care, She said she would talk to him afterwards as well, but now after months of asking her to say something, she never said a word to him. Even though I am not a man, I still think this is cheating and it PISSES me off that I was put in this situation when I tried SOOOO hard to be honest and open, and blah blah blah.
So - I am stuck in the middle of this horrid scenario between friends because of this girl.

I can't bring up the new situation to anyone because it's not my business, if the spouses know I know, who knows what the fallout of betrayal from me would be. Especially because of what happened last year.

ARGH.

She just wants me to pretend she never said anything/ nothing ever happened... I can't do that! I told her in an email to get professional help, gave her some resources, and said I cannot drop it. I don't plan on bugging her, but I cannot forget, these people are my close friends and the fallout could be disastrous.

I hate that I am so involved after trying to be good.

I am thinking about giving space with our "friendship" until this either blows over, or she gets help - whatever comes first.

Thoughts?

Thanks.
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  #16  
Old 05-10-2011, 08:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
Hi Everyone,

Now, here's the ringer: M has cheated before... last year, with ME. I've posted this story on here before. The thing is, I feel I was essentially lied to in that scenario, I talked with my SO, Ouroboros BEFORE anything happened, AND after as well. We talked about it, I don't care if anyone else knows, I am an open book. She knows he knows, I thought her husband didn't care, She said she would talk to him afterwards as well, but now after months of asking her to say something, she never said a word to him. Even though I am not a man, I still think this is cheating and it PISSES me off that I was put in this situation when I tried SOOOO hard to be honest and open, and blah blah blah.
So - I am stuck in the middle of this horrid scenario between friends because of this girl.

I can't bring up the new situation to anyone because it's not my business, if the spouses know I know, who knows what the fallout of betrayal from me would be. Especially because of what happened last year.

ARGH.

She just wants me to pretend she never said anything/ nothing ever happened... I can't do that! I told her in an email to get professional help, gave her some resources, and said I cannot drop it. I don't plan on bugging her, but I cannot forget, these people are my close friends and the fallout could be disastrous.

I hate that I am so involved after trying to be good.

I am thinking about giving space with our "friendship" until this either blows over, or she gets help - whatever comes first.

Thoughts?

Thanks.
DTMFA.....

Keep friends, who are deserving of your friendship. Don`t enable drama-queens, cheaters, or manipulators.

You CAN do something. You can control yourself. Keep away from her. People like that only learn when they alienate their friends. If you allow yourself to be pulled around by puppet-strings, she`ll forever expect you to keep her secrets.

Good Luck.
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  #17  
Old 05-10-2011, 11:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
DTMFA.....

Keep friends, who are deserving of your friendship. Don`t enable drama-queens, cheaters, or manipulators.

You CAN do something. You can control yourself. Keep away from her. People like that only learn when they alienate their friends. If you allow yourself to be pulled around by puppet-strings, she`ll forever expect you to keep her secrets.

Good Luck.
Couldn't of said it better myself. It sounds like you gave her some resources, explained how you feel and now can wave goodbye until she fixes it or says goodbye to you.

I would tell her that you will tell the truth if he ever asks you what she is doing, why you aren't around or something to that affect. Her lie is not yours and her secret is not yours to keep. Being involved in the deception of another does not have integrity (among other numerous values that I hold dear ) so I wouldn't do it.

Hey! And good to see you hear! Glad its going so well, other than this issue. *hugs* old friend.
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  #18  
Old 05-11-2011, 01:22 PM
Ready2Fly Ready2Fly is offline
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Interesting thread.

I suspect that most run-of-the-mill cheaters are not the evil users/addicts we on our high horse would like them to be. Most are just humans doing what comes naturally to humans... which is sex/love. Honesty is acquired. Cheating doesn't have to mean that you're using someone, or addicted, or lost interest in your partner(s). I think it usually just means that the opportunity presented itself, it was hard to resist, and you did the wrong thing.

I hope that cheaters can be redeemed. We're close friends with this couple who cheat on each other and have been wanting to convert them to poly for a while They're absolutely fantastic people, have a great relationship, love each other very much, but cheat nonetheless. He's told me of his fun lighthearted flings with his friend in Idaho; she's tried to get me into bed several times. Each begs me not to tell the other in the same language: "He/She wouldn't understand. He/She is jealous."

Except, they're not. They couldn't possibly be unaware of each other's dalliances. His Idaho friend visits for weeks at a time. She hits on me at their parties. They BOTH make out with their totally hot poly unicorn live-in roommate at parties.

They just party and do what comes naturally, and then the real cheating is the covering it up and dishonesty. Result is a don't-ask-don't-tell détente.

Last edited by Ready2Fly; 05-11-2011 at 01:26 PM.
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  #19  
Old 05-13-2011, 07:01 AM
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So, I went there. Had a talk with her and for a moment felt good about it. She reacted as badly as I imagined... Stormed off without even talking. I think I hit a nerve. I tried to emphasize that she had choices, that I would be there for her if she sought help. I just cannot get over feeling like ignoring the facts of what she is doing is betraying my friends. Her husband - someone I consider a close friend, and the wife of another. I feel if I pretend like everything is ok, that I will be enabling, or that those that are hurt will blame me even more - for thinking that I thought it was ok.

Argh. I am not sure I did the right thing now. I have the support of O, but I am still hurt by all of this.

Am I just on some high horse? I am certainly not perfect.

sigh.
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  #20  
Old 05-13-2011, 02:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
I just cannot get over feeling like ignoring the facts of what she is doing is betraying my friends. Her husband - someone I consider a close friend, and the wife of another. I feel if I pretend like everything is ok, that I will be enabling, or that those that are hurt will blame me even more - for thinking that I thought it was ok. sigh.
I think you did the right thing. Normally I would say stay out of things like this but only if you weren't friends with the people being betrayed. I personally think you took the high road and if that causes you the loss of a friendship then so be it. People rarely regret good decisions and ethics years later...the same cannot be said of the opposite.
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