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Old 09-29-2009, 01:17 PM
Catfish Catfish is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: America's High Five
Posts: 300
Default the rub

So, my band of three years is breaking up. Since discovering polyamory, I can't help but see the similarities between being in a poly relationship and the band dynamic. It's about... you guessed it... communication.

A few weeks ago, Rarechild and I had dinner with some friends, one of which is a fellow musician, and we got into a serious discussion about 'taking the band to the next level'. My friend's main contention was that we should hire a savvy booking/promotions manager in an effort to do what we are good at and let a professional do the rest. I still believe this would have been the right move, but when I brought it up to the band... let's just say communication broke down. Everyone's individual level of commitment was brought into the light of discussion, some people got 'snarky' and some got defensive. Two of them got into a heated email battle and that's what started the beginning of the end.

*side note*
You probably know this already, but you should never argue via email!

Reading that first paragraph over, it seems so juvenile now.

We have all put a lot of love and effort into this band. We have become very close. I feel like I am mourning the loss of a long time friend. The band has been not only a second job, artistic outlet and full time love affair, but it has also been a defining aspect of my life. These four guys have each, in one way or another, aided me on my path to self actualization by getting me closer to my goal of being a full time musician. And in my zeal to make this dream a reality, I pushed it a little to hard. I guess that's the rub. My love and enthusiasm for this band was ultimately it's undoing. We could have gone on the way we were for a long time, but as great as it was, that's not what I want. I want the real deal. A dedicated group of musicians who understand the sacrifices it takes to become professionals. I'm not taking full responsibility for the death of this band. Everyone involved failed the whole in their own way. But I see my role for what it was. Facilitator.

I guess the moral of this story, and how it applies to polyamory, is that sometimes you can't make things happen the way you want them to. You can't just decide to be poly, then tell all the cute people you've ever known about your new discovery and expect them to jump into a triad. Sometimes you have to wait until the time is right and let the universe present you with your unicorn when he/she is ready. Musically, we were ready to go full time. Emotionally and logistically, not so much. There have been some serious mistakes made on the band front in the last few weeks that have literally and figuratively brought me to tears.

But I'm learning.

I have learned...

-Not to put all my creative eggs in one basket.
-Even the purest community minded intentions are tinged with self interest, and that's ok.
-One can not spend extended periods of time in a relatinship of any kind without some degree of disappointment.
-That disappointment is usually brought about by unrealistic expectations.

and last but certainly not least...

-Communication is a delicate essential in any group dynamic.

So, onward and upward, right? My goal is the same, but the means to that end have changed.

Thanks for listening.

Anyone want to start a poly string band?
Concern yourself less with love and more with loving.
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