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  #21  
Old 09-28-2009, 05:14 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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What remains to be worked out is this other woman with whom he had a date - apparently her other bf is really jealous too and reacted very strongly when he found out about the intimacy.
Wow. A lot happened this weekend regarding all this! First off, the bf (M) of gf#1 (L) apparently did NOT know about the extent of the intimacy because she did not tell him like we all thought she had. A lot of mess happened with that, anger and fighting (as you can well imagine) on their end.

So now, there has been a lot of doors opening and I actually emailed L and gf#2 and I feel like I am so enlightened! It's amazing how my imagination had been filling in the blanks - when I finally connected with these girls (which I had been avoiding like the plague, living in total denial) and heard about the situation from everyone else's perspective (not just Nick's) I realized that reality was far different from what I thought it was.

M (the other bf) and I have been having lovely conversations and he and I feel so similar about the whole thing, it's been really great to have someone who understands. I wrote a very long email to all involved and talked about what I would like to see happen as far as communication, 100% honesty, and safety during sex. Unfortunately M said that L was angered by it. I haven't talked to her about it yet, but Nick was in agreement for the most part.

It is a major breakthrough to have all this communication happening all of a sudden. And, although obviously there is a serious issue here what with L's deception, I think for me I feel way more relaxed being In The Know. Whatever comes of this situation, even if I have to walk away because it doesn't feel safe, I am so glad I have experienced this as it has been a major lesson learned about how my imagination runs wild and my reactions to those imaginings can really screw things up.

I feel like if we could all get to a point where we all are friends and respect each other things could really be great. I already feel very connected with M, we haven't met in person yet but I just feel like we have bared our souls to each other over the last few days. L has said she thinks we could be great friends and wants that to happen.

It's like the terror and insecurity and anger I have been feeling has just melted away. I feel love for these people, I feel tenderness towards them. I realize they are not things to fear, they are not taking anything from me, and in fact, have a lot to give. This, I am learning, is the beauty of polyamory at work.

I just wanted to share this major event. Even though it occurred because of dishonesty, I really feel like it split everyone open and was the catalyst for these lines of communication to begin.
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  #22  
Old 09-28-2009, 08:29 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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It's like the terror and insecurity and anger I have been feeling has just melted away. I feel love for these people, I feel tenderness towards them. I realize they are not things to fear, they are not taking anything from me, and in fact, have a lot to give. This, I am learning, is the beauty of polyamory at work.
^ that made me smile.
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  #23  
Old 09-29-2009, 04:53 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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See that's what bothers me! His gf#1 bf has asked him to NOT have sex with her for a while, and he told him (and in the same thread told ME) that he is "a grown man who can decide for himself when and if he has sex". To me, this is pure selfishness when you are involved with more than one person....

I really get frustrated when he is so stubborn, but at the same time, when I think if someone was trying to tell me I couldn't have sex with someone, I would be a bit annoyed maybe - I don't know it depends on who it was.

It doesn't seem like a very fair thing to do, poly or not, to have sex with someone, then tell your partner later on....isn't that the same as cheating?
First, I think the reason you freaked out earlier was identified when you said he planned to spend more time with the other women and you felt he wasn't spending enough time with you already. The jealousy likely stems from that--you're fearing the loss of necessary time with him.

Next, for lots of poly folk, yes, that is cheating, if the agreements in place don't allow for it.

I have to say I'm troubled by what I've read. There seems to be lots of selfish behavior going on that isn't good for relationships.

In any relationship, there are at least three parts that need taken care of: You, Me, and Us. For a relationship to work well, each person has to take care of him- or herself (Me), the other person (You), and the relationship (Us). Things fall apart when one or both partners begin neglecting parts of the whole.

With poly tangles, the range of parts to be taken care of expands: You, Me, Us, and Other--with Other referring to both "other person" and "other relationship" and may involve multiple other persons.

From what you've reported, Nick is refusing to take care of You & Us while only attending to his Me and chasing after the Other. That's not an indicator of likely success for any of the relationships. You have to address the question of why you would want to stay involved with someone who shows such disregard for you; take up the issue with him and find out if he's serious about taking care of you and your relationship and figure out what's best for you based on that.
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  #24  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:10 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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In any relationship, there are at least three parts that need taken care of: You, Me, and Us. For a relationship to work well, each person has to take care of him- or herself (Me), the other person (You), and the relationship (Us). Things fall apart when one or both partners begin neglecting parts of the whole.

With poly tangles, the range of parts to be taken care of expands: You, Me, Us, and Other--with Other referring to both "other person" and "other relationship" and may involve multiple other persons.

From what you've reported, Nick is refusing to take care of You & Us while only attending to his Me and chasing after the Other. That's not an indicator of likely success for any of the relationships. You have to address the question of why you would want to stay involved with someone who shows such disregard for you; take up the issue with him and find out if he's serious about taking care of you and your relationship and figure out what's best for you based on that.

This is awesome advice. Did you read this somewhere, or did you figure it out yourself?
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  #25  
Old 10-01-2009, 07:01 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I just wanted to share this major event. Even though it occurred because of dishonesty, I really feel like it split everyone open and was the catalyst for these lines of communication to begin.
That's awesome! Thanks for sharing that! It's amazing what kind of magic happens when people communicate and take the chance to bare their souls to others... I find quite often that it is greeted with deeper understanding and generous amounts of love.

Thanks for the "you, me and us" bit seventhcrow... I like that a lot and will be using it!
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