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  #21  
Old 04-26-2011, 05:12 PM
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I have a couple more questions before making a judgment on this woman. How old are the children? How long ago did the relationship with her children's father end? And has she been in any relationships since that have not produced children? People do make mistakes (especially in their early 20's) but they can change. I would be cautious if there hasn't been any evidence of change to this point though.
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  #22  
Old 04-26-2011, 05:34 PM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Sorry you are going through this. I agree with everyone who has posted so far that this woman doesn't sound a very healthy individual.



A good precaution, but not really enough - she might have other partners she's bare-backing with at the moment.

Whose to say she does not get pregnant (carelessness or not so) and draw you and your hubby into a long and nasty paternity mess, regardless of who the real father is?

I am also worried about the small children. They will most likely get attached to your husband in one way or another. Either she gets a sitter and they only meet in motels and so, or hubs better be pretty darn sure he can handle it.
Apparently, she only wants something not serious and does not want to introduce him to her kids. Since neither of us have opened our relationship up to separate lovers and relationships, we decided we both want a no strings attached relationship with our other partners until we decide if we can handle another serious relationship outside of our own. Something casual and fun.

Pretty much he says he wants someone to go do things with and have a friendship and sex with outside of our relationship to experience something new. He said if she asked him to spend the night or wanted to introduce the kids to him, he would tell her that's getting too serious and might cut it off. He's not ready to be a father and doesn't want to confuse her kids and has no desire to make them a part of his life.

She only wants to meet him at night around 10pm or so after her kids are asleep and maybe on a Saturday or Sunday of she can get a babysitter. Her parents sometimes will take the kids for the day so she can go out and do something. So 1 night a week and he's not going to spend the night and 1 weekend day whenever she can get a sitter is the plan at the moment. I work on Saturdays and Sundays when he has off, so it would be perfect to take a weekend day.

When I asked him where they would be meeting for their time together in the future, he said they hadn't discussed that yet. I'm thinking that best left for the initial meeting, lol. He joked and said "Our place". I said, "Haha, very funny. Only if I'm allowed to join" and that perked his eyes up.

I'm on the fence about her for a few reasons. I don't agree with her past decisions, but I think I can understand if she was in love and the married man was leading her on to believe he was truly leaving his wife for her and then tried to get her to move in despite the bad air between her and the wife, how she could have been blinded and made bad decisions based on her love for him. However, she insists she wants nothing serious..has no desire to introduce her kids to him or have him do anything with her and the kids together, she might not be that bad.

He wants something casual, she said she does so it seems maybe they have a common goal. Neither of them has a lot of free time to do this and create a serious relationship and she's got her hands full with 3 kids already. She says one day she wants more but not for a while.

Being that part of my jealousy issues was now having to give up time with him so they can be together, 1 or 2 times a week isn't that bad. He said to me "I thought she might be perfect because she doesn't want anything serious and there's no way I'd leave you for a woman with 3 kids. She's not looking to fall in love, I think she just is a little lonely wants someone to spend some time with, without her kids around." He's right, I think she is looking for some sort of an escape and fun, and I'm OK with that. I think we all need that every once in a while, to change up the routine and experience something new.

He's going to take every precaution he can and she does not get child support for her kids from the father of them. She gave him the option, be with me and your kids, or leave me and them alone. Never saw him since and hasn't gone after him for child support, so that's a discussion I want to have with her when I talk to her or meet to have her come to an agreement that she will never go after my bf should something like that happen.
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  #23  
Old 04-26-2011, 05:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I have a couple more questions before making a judgment on this woman. How old are the children? How long ago did the relationship with her children's father end? And has she been in any relationships since that have not produced children? People do make mistakes (especially in their early 20's) but they can change. I would be cautious if there hasn't been any evidence of change to this point though.
The kids are 2, 3 and 5. The relationship ended with the last child 2 years ago. She has been in a few relationships since and has only dated men that had girlfriends or been married since and has had no further children. She says she's only dated men since that were attached so as not to develop any serious connection.
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  #24  
Old 04-27-2011, 02:07 AM
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Myzka Myzka is offline
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so have they actually met already?
I mean, instead of waiting longer, what if they just meet over coffee or tea and chat? no sex, no expectations for anything futher, but just to see if the two actually click on any level?
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  #25  
Old 04-27-2011, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Myzka View Post
so have they actually met already?
I mean, instead of waiting longer, what if they just meet over coffee or tea and chat? no sex, no expectations for anything futher, but just to see if the two actually click on any level?
No, they haven't met already. He keeps going back and forth on it, partially because of how I have been behaving. I think a lot of it has to do with the Dr Jekkyl/Mr Hyde thing I've had going on this week. I feel like a looney bin. I'm fine with it during the day and then I get home and have a glass of wine and then find myself halting and flipping sides.

If he really wants to meet her, I think he should as I do think it would continue to improve our bonding and intimacy that we've lost, but I can't keep losing control of my emotions and turning him off from this. I of course am his first concern and I don't want to be sending him these mixed signals. I'm just to the point of "Please, go meet her already and see there is some sort of attraction".

He said if he really wanted to, he would have already. Maybe he is seeing she might not be the right one, but at the same time and I hate to say this in disrespect to her, but he's pretty much decided that she's sort of the experiment woman to see if he can do this, if he likes it and if he can handle it. I don't see him dating her long term given the fact that eventually she is going to start wanting more from him and he's not going to be able to give that to her.

As of a minute ago, when we were texting, I told him I really think he should go meet her to:

a) see how he feels about getting to know another woman and whether he can do it or not.
b) if there is even any attraction in person. They've only seen face shots of one another.
c) to see how I'm going to feel with him gone. I think it's the only way for me to decide how I really feel about it and to put some of my irrational fears to rest.

So, as I don't work tomorrow and know I won't sleep well till he comes home, I told him tonight would be a perfect night to meet her since I don't work tomorrow. He was going to see if that works for her and let me know. I know that if I remain calm and cool and knowing that he's not loving me any less in doing this, that I will be OK and benefit from it.
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  #26  
Old 05-03-2011, 12:38 AM
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Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
She says she's only dated men since that were attached so as not to develop any serious connection.
Wait...so, having an affair with a married man, bearing three of his children wasn't a "serious connection?"

And are these poly guys, or is she hooking up with more cheaters?

I'm not a fan of the veto in any way, but it seems like it would be worth it to lay these concerns out as clearly as possible. Maybe in writing. With the important parts highlighted in neon yellow.
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  #27  
Old 05-03-2011, 04:51 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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RUN AWAY, AND FAST.

I can't begin to list the reasons. They're self explanatory anyway. And give your SO a smack upside the head for me for even considering her.

BTW - this is coming from a guy who has made similar mistakes with similarly - though never QUITE so bad - dysfunctional women. If even I can see it, it's bad, LOL!

Last edited by HappiestManAlive; 05-03-2011 at 04:54 AM.
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  #28  
Old 05-03-2011, 06:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
Wait...so, having an affair with a married man, bearing three of his children wasn't a "serious connection?"

And are these poly guys, or is she hooking up with more cheaters?

I'm not a fan of the veto in any way, but it seems like it would be worth it to lay these concerns out as clearly as possible. Maybe in writing. With the important parts highlighted in neon yellow.
I think I may have said it in another thread, but I'm happy to say that he did NOT go through with meeting her and cut it off. I think he realized it wasn't a good idea and that she's not what he wanted. I just had horrible visions of what could and probably would happen. I understand the excitement he was feeling about meeting someone, but she was NOT a good choice and I'm glad he saw that and is choosing to wait for a better match.

I doubt any of the men she was seeing were true poly men, they sounded more like cheaters since she likes to be the dirty little secret.
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