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Old 09-28-2009, 10:13 PM
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Bowvine Bowvine is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: northern cali
Posts: 31
Default I question myself sometimes

I'm new to this forum and lifestyle but I wanted some feedback on an issue that I have had and am hoping some people here will have some insight to share.

I know there aren't any set of rules to make this work, but from what I've understood from my reading, if a relationship is to work as an open one, both partners in the initial relationship must be secure, or feel that way in order for it to work. I wanted to explain my situation here, because I am having trouble. I'm hung up on a certain thing and I am hoping perhaps I can get some feedback to help me look at things more objectively.

Earlier in the year the woman I am in love and I opened our relationship. She went on a couple dates with a guy and nothing panned out. She went in and out of saying she wanted to hang out with this guy. She would say I wish he'd stop calling and get the idea, etc. Then she would be like, I'm going to hang out with him because I want to hear how things are going. So time went on and she came to say that a poly relationship would not work in the community that we live in. It's too small. Later on, about a month later, she said she was going to hang with this guy, the one she wasn't interested in during April. She said she was going up to see him without romantic intentions. However, the next day I asked if they were intimate and was told not in the way I think. But they did kiss she said. Three weeks later, I found out that she had performed oral sex on him that day.

I am hung up on this. The three weeks later, I had finally gotten comfortable with the idea of her being sexual with someone else. I had to get over the fact that they kissed, but I wasn't comfortable with it going further. I have fears around this that I have explained to her. But finding out 3 weeks later that she had oral sex with the guy on pretty much their first date, has really put a damper on my attitude. She had said that she hardly knew the guy and she wouldn't be jumping into bed with him. She had said I need to have faith in her ability to make decisions. I did, but now I don't. I felt deceived and betrayed. Like my feelings weren't taken into consideration. I told the both of them that I am fine with them seeing each other but I was hoping they could take the physical part slower so that I could be more comfortable with that idea. They both said no.

This all does not sit well with me. I am of the belief that polyamory is about cultivating relationships and intimacy, where things might progress into something more, but prior, it is about getting to know each other. To me this situation seems more like a swinger thing. As I was not comfortable with it, and things went down, it also feels like a cheater type thing. I don't like that. My partner swears she loves me the same and that things are the same between us, but I've been hurt really bad and I can't seem to get the thought out of my head.

Does anyone have some feedback or suggestions for me? My hang up is on the physical side of things and around going to a place that I feel is very special with someone on the first date. That combined with the feeling of deception has really got me in a tailspin when I had come so far the past couple weeks. I felt like I was really getting a grip on all of this emotionally, not just intellectually. However, the thought keeps running through my head, "she deceived you, she jumped into bed with him on the first date."

See, I consider it their first date, because the first two they went on in April, she had said the guy only talked about himself and that is why she was unable to tell him about me. The guy didn't know about me until I told him one day when I ran into him.

The "I question myself sometimes" part of this is, am I fucking crazy for feeling this way? Am I a psycho or a control freak for asking that things slow down so I can be more comfortable? I think about just getting rid of the feelings, trying to lose them somehow, but someone told me today that I might not be able to get rid of them right now because I am supposed to be feeling them. I pretty much swing up and down as far as feeling content with the situation to feelings of anger and sadness.

Last edited by Bowvine; 09-28-2009 at 10:15 PM.
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