Is this jealousy or general concern?

[gamerprincess]

I am still working through my jealous feelings and I am OK with him moving forward to meet the girl he has been talking to over the last week. However something is really bugging me about her. Him and I have talked about my concern and he is concerned too.

My concern is that she is a single mom with 3 kids who is 28. The 3 kids came from a relationship she had with a married man. When she got pregnant with the first one, she did not know he was married. Had no clue. She found out after she had the 1st and then he told her that he was having problems with his wife and wanted to leave her, so she got pregnant with the 2nd child. After she had the 2nd child his wife found out about the affair, somehow decided to introduce them, not sure whose idea it was, but the meeting didn't go well and then the wife started threatening her, so to retaliate...get this...she gets pregnant with the 3rd out of spite. Then she gave him an ultimatum, it's her or me. If you don't want to be with me and your children, just leave us alone and get out of our lives. She never heard from him again and I don't believe she has gone after him for child support.

That's what bothers me so much, is that she did it out of spite...What would stop her from trying to do that again if she fell for my bf as much as he's made it clear that can't happen and she says she doesn't want it. If she doesn't like me, what might she try to do to spite me? The same thing? My bf is concerned about that, but she reassures him she wants nothing serious but says she does want more kids eventually, just not now.

He made it clear to her that he absolutely does not want kids right now, and he never wants to have children out of a polyamorous relationship. She swears she's not doing this to have more kids and she doesn't want anything serious, yet her past actions seem to indicate otherwise.

She was the first woman we came across that was interested in a poly relationship and I think he is just settling for the 1st thing that came his way. I told him I didn't want him to just settle for whoever because nothing else has worked out and to take his time, I'm sure he'll meet someone else.

She's also the one who wanted to meet so soon. I'm glad last night he told her he wasn't ready yet and it was too soon. He said he knows he's going to be a little nervous regardless, but that he feels it's just not right yet. I told him to take his time and whenever he was ready to go meet her. If it's just to talk and nothing else, he shouldn't be so nervous. I think it's just the prospect of meeting someone after not knowing any woman but me like this in 6 years and him worrying about how he's really going to feel. I told him to not let her push him to meet her and just really think it through and do it on his terms, when he is ready.

I think he's afraid she'll not talk to him anymore if he puts it off for too long, but wouldn't that in itself be a warning sign as well? I told him I'd be more comfortable if he met a woman who was already in a relationship with another man or woman and wanted to meet someone else as well, versus the single mom with 3 kids and not fully knowing her intentions, but I know the choice is up to him. Something just doesn't smell right with this woman to me and I'd love to hear what you think.

[NeonKaos]

I think you should trust yourself. You seem to be a rational person and are looking for affirmation. I do not need to know everything about your situation, nor do I need to know the "other side(s) of the story" to be able to tell you that you should listen to your gut when it speaks to you.

[gamerprincess]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

I think you should trust yourself. You seem to be a rational person and are looking for affirmation. I do not need to know everything about your situation, nor do I need to know the "other side(s) of the story" to be able to tell you that you should listen to your gut when it speaks to you.

That's the thing.. I DO trust my gut on this feeling, but though he's concerned, he seems to believe that it's not a big deal. Is this NRE blinding him or what?? I tried to say that it might be, but he didn't say yes or no to it.

[LovingRadiance]

[QUOTE=gamerprincess;78409]

After she had the 2nd child his wife found out about the affair, somehow decided to introduce them, not sure whose idea it was, but the meeting didn't go well and then the wife started threatening her, so to retaliate...get this...she gets pregnant with the 3rd out of spite. Then she gave him an ultimatum, it's her or me.

Very disfunctional, creepy behavior. Not cool at all.

What would stop her from trying to do that again if she fell for my bf as much as he's made it clear that can't happen and she says she doesn't want it. If she doesn't like me, what might she try to do to spite me? The same thing?

Nothing can stop her but her own self. There's a thread on here about "changing a cheater", has some pertinent info you might want to go read it too.

He made it clear to her that he absolutely does not want kids right now, and he never wants to have children out of a polyamorous relationship.

There is only one way to guarantee that no babies are created. The second best option is to get fixed and/or only have sex with people who are fixed. Third best is to use a condom AND something else.
But-most important is that if you don't want kids (or HE doesn't in this case) then it's HIS JOB to ensure that he takes ALL precautions to ensure not making a kid.

She was the first woman we came across that was interested in a poly relationship and I think he is just settling for the 1st thing that came his way.

Common-unfortunate reaction. Settling is never a good plan in my experience.

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

I think you should trust yourself. You seem to be a rational person and are looking for affirmation. I do not need to know everything about your situation, nor do I need to know the "other side(s) of the story" to be able to tell you that you should listen to your gut when it speaks to you.

ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS!!!!

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by gamerprincess

That's the thing.. I DO trust my gut on this feeling, but though he's concerned, he seems to believe that it's not a big deal. Is this NRE blinding him or what?? I tried to say that it might be, but he didn't say yes or no to it.

If it is, he likely wouldn't know it.
But-I doubt it's NRE with HER that is blinding him.
Sounds more like fear of not finding ANYONE would be more likely to be the problem.

[nycindie]

Anyone who would bring a life into this world as a bargaining chip is someone I would want NOTHING to do with. I don't care what the circumstances were.

To do that... she sounds off her rocker, and I think it is very practical and smart to be cautious. Settling for the first opportunity is not a good idea whatsoever! Your BF should just take it as a sign that he will find someone, that there are people out there open to poly, but making a choice out of feeling desperate usually leads to disaster. You're in So. Cali? Oh, don't worry, there are other poly women there!

[gamerprincess]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Anyone who would bring a life into this world as a bargaining chip is someone I would want NOTHING to do with. I don't care what the circumstances were.

To do that... she sounds off her rocker, and I think it is very practical and smart to be cautious. Settling for the first opportunity is not a good idea whatsoever! Your BF should just take it as a sign that he will find someone, that there are people out there open to poly, but making a choice out of feeling desperate usually leads to disaster. You're in So. Cali? Oh, don't worry, there are other poly women there!

I also want to add, that she tells my bf that the husband and wife actually asked her to move in with them at one point, for a triad thing. I guess the wife was OK with it in the end except that she would have been like their housekeeper too, but she told them no way she wasn't into that.

Still doesn't make it right in my head though. I shall show him your post and hope that I can get other feedback too.

[Minxxa]

Something to consider when in poly relationships is that any conflict/drama that a new person brings in doesn't only affect your bf-- it also affects you. Something he most definitely needs to take into serious consideration-- that if this girl does go whacky, he's not the only one paying the price.

Secondly... expecting people that have behaved dysfunctionally to suddenly not behave dysfunctionally is a bit naive. Her behavior was off the wall and it involved the production of children... two strikes right there. To expect that she has suddenly changed now into a good and ethical person is dangerous. Not that people can't change, but it usually takes a big effort, some introspection and time to prove that the changes one has made are real and deep and won't be thrown aside the first time that person doesn't get what they want.

And thirdly... she has three children she's keeping from their father and she wants MORE someday?!

Run away fast.

[gamerprincess]

[QUOTE=LovingRadiance;78430]

Originally Posted by gamerprincess

Very disfunctional, creepy behavior. Not cool at all.
Nothing can stop her but her own self. There's a thread on here about "changing a cheater", has some pertinent info you might want to go read it too.

There is only one way to guarantee that no babies are created. The second best option is to get fixed and/or only have sex with people who are fixed. Third best is to use a condom AND something else.
But-most important is that if you don't want kids (or HE doesn't in this case) then it's HIS JOB to ensure that he takes ALL precautions to ensure not making a kid.

Common-unfortunate reaction. Settling is never a good plan in my experience.

ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS!!!!

I agree that is it is very dysfunctional behavior and I really hope he sees that for what it is and the light bulbs go off, but they may not. I told him I trust his decision to know whether he thinks this is something he wants with her given her past. A woman with kids already is a whole different ballpark then what he is used to.

We do wants kids, but together eventually..but not with the secondary for sure. I told him that he should ask her to be on birth control given she's already got kids and was careless. He also says he would not have sex without a condom, ever. We've been together for 6 years and I know we are both clean. One of my boundaries was that he tell her to get tested and show clean results before going forward if they decide that's what they want should they meet.

He says she really went for the 3rd because she wanted to have a son after having two girls and didn't want to ho around with some other guy, might as well have them all from the same dad. What fucked up logic if you ask me, pardon my french.

I don't know why he thinks it's OK, really.. Tells me I'm being too unfair about her.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by gamerprincess

Is this NRE blinding him or what?? I tried to say that it might be, but he didn't say yes or no to it.

NRE means "New Relationship Energy" and usually happens when people are at least in lust if not in love with each other. If he hasn't even MET her, it's not "NRE". I don't care what anyone else says, it's not "a relationship" if he's just exchanged a few emails and is planning on meeting this person for the first time.