Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 04-19-2011, 09:28 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Yes, I do think it has something to do with a fierce desire to belong, esp. with the more 'family-minded' poly folks. I sort of resonate with what Deborah Anapol wrote about how single and newly-out polys feel they must first find their primary to start a family with before starting to add members. And how you can go around that with choosing a family/couple to join instead.

It is tempting, and yet oh so hard because the idea of chosen families is still so new and outside of the mainstream to many people. Like you said, there is this ceiling of 'this close is how you can get, this is what we are comfortable with right now' that seems to be in place for so many people.'

I sometimes think if it were better for single polys who are dating from that 'family/this is a lifestyle choice for me' place to find secure not-necessarily-romantic family arrangements first and then start reaching out romantically from a secure base/foundation of their own.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 04-25-2011, 09:59 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default Girls girls girls

...are tough cookies to date, I tell you.

When is a coffee date a coffee date, and when is it really a DATE, or even better, a make-out date? The secret to successful lesbian dating, of course, is that you never know until it's too late! Wham, you are in a relationship and talking about moving in together before you have even made up your mind on if she likes you or not. The trick of course is never to tell each other what you think, and just let your expectations bloom out of nowhere and wreak havoc on your emotional status, without saying a word. In the world of dyke drama, nothing is easier than to start dating somebody who doesn't realize they are dating you, and vice versa.

Well, it's not all gloom and doom in Dykelandia, but when a girl says that the more she is pursued, especially by men, the less interested she becomes, does that mean a) pursue me hard, right now; b) don't show any interest in me whatsoever and I might come running to you; c) I'm not at all interested, so don't bother; d) I'm totally interested but just need my time? Option e) any combination of the above, is a very real possibility, too.

So as not to appear like a lesbian stalker, I have only responded to her messages, and it is definitely now her turn. I have no problem doing the pursuing, but don't want to make her feel like we went out on a date and now she needs to make up her mind either way.

And in the When does attraction start? -thread I've read how people might need a LONG time to make sure if they like someone that way or not. Not doing things my way (i.e. hopping in bed together and figuring it out from there) doesn't make them bad, dysfunctional people, just different.

So far my successes in the world of lesbian dating owe everything to meeting girls through guys I already know. Bona fide lesbians politely ignore me, so I'm left with the bisexual crowd. Not that I mind at all.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 04-25-2011, 02:44 PM
magikman79's Avatar
magikman79 magikman79 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: College Station TX
Posts: 53
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
...are tough cookies to date, I tell you.

When is a coffee date a coffee date, and when is it really a DATE, or even better, a make-out date? The secret to successful lesbian dating, of course, is that you never know until it's too late! Wham, you are in a relationship and talking about moving in together before you have even made up your mind on if she likes you or not. The trick of course is never to tell each other what you think, and just let your expectations bloom out of nowhere and wreak havoc on your emotional status, without saying a word. In the world of dyke drama, nothing is easier than to start dating somebody who doesn't realize they are dating you, and vice versa.

Well, it's not all gloom and doom in Dykelandia, but when a girl says that the more she is pursued, especially by men, the less interested she becomes, does that mean a) pursue me hard, right now; b) don't show any interest in me whatsoever and I might come running to you; c) I'm not at all interested, so don't bother; d) I'm totally interested but just need my time? Option e) any combination of the above, is a very real possibility, too.

So as not to appear like a lesbian stalker, I have only responded to her messages, and it is definitely now her turn. I have no problem doing the pursuing, but don't want to make her feel like we went out on a date and now she needs to make up her mind either way.

And in the When does attraction start? -thread I've read how people might need a LONG time to make sure if they like someone that way or not. Not doing things my way (i.e. hopping in bed together and figuring it out from there) doesn't make them bad, dysfunctional people, just different.

So far my successes in the world of lesbian dating owe everything to meeting girls through guys I already know. Bona fide lesbians politely ignore me, so I'm left with the bisexual crowd. Not that I mind at all.
Id say it could be any of A-E, what I would base my decision on was the way she sounded when she said it & any body language I could discern at the time. or If I was really blind & Infatuated, Id just assume it meant "A" & take my chances.
__________________
"The more a thing is perfect, the more if feels pleasure and pain."

Our Blog

My Facebook

Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 04-25-2011, 05:18 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Well, it's not all gloom and doom in Dykelandia, but when a girl says that the more she is pursued, especially by men, the less interested she becomes, does that mean a) pursue me hard, right now; b) don't show any interest in me whatsoever and I might come running to you; c) I'm not at all interested, so don't bother; d) I'm totally interested but just need my time? Option e) any combination of the above, is a very real possibility, too.
Okay, this made me giggle.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 04-28-2011, 09:30 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by magikman79 View Post
or If I was really blind & Infatuated, Id just assume it meant "A" & take my chances.
Heartened by your post, I actually text-ed her and turns out she's been really busy but would love to hang out after school craziness is over!

After coming out to a circle of friends I've gotten to witness a lot of reactions, teary-eyed and really angry ones included. Astonishment is probably the common denominator between them. Also, an acquaintance recently confessed to a mutual friend that she finds me really scary . ME?!? The Church-going bunny lady? Who works with ID folks and loves children and everything which includes fluff? Granted, she thought that Christian women would at least not flaunt it if they fall somewhat short of the one man-one woman-for life ideal. Good luck she didn't tell it to my face - spared her from hearing a lecture on how 'one man-many women-until the hubs finds someone hotter' is really the Biblical ideal of marriage, and I am carrying my weight to return as from our single-standard-monogamy ways, adopted from the Pagans, to our Biblical Hebrew roots.

Anyways - I actually started to wonder how, approaching our mid-twenties, our circle of friends is starting to split into two. There are folks who have found their One and Only and are getting hitched, and then there are those of us who either have fairly recently ended things with their One and Only Turned Not So and are playing the field with no serious intent, or have a full-time squeeze but who balk at the M word. I wonder how well the two factions end up being able to relate. The one thing I don't want is to alienate my non-poly friends, but I fear some of them might want to distance themselves from me - after all, I could be after their boyfriends/hubbies for all they know!
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 05-01-2011, 08:11 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default By any other name

With poly, a lot of people seem to be a bit overworked by the whole definitions game. What to call myself. What to call our relationship. When is a relationship a relationship.

I'm all right with others getting in the game. What saddens me a little is the extra stress it causes my SOs when they try to figure whether to call me a girlfriend or whatnot. What if in a couple one wants to progress really fast and the other is just reeling with the idea of having A gf, not still quite processing having a SHARED gf?

I can be the girlfriend, the family friend, the significant other, what have you. It really makes no difference to me. But I do get that for some people, the language is the thinking. To be called a 'girlfriend' implies a whole different set of expectations and acknowledgements than a 'friend', no matter how dear, or a 'co-parent', and certainly a different set than a 'lover'.

Words have power, but only so much as we allow them. In NRE, some people want to tell the world about their new love, bring her to family functions and buy a massive house together. And others are more comfy with the 'keep it secret, keep it safe' policy - they delight in having something that is only meant for them, delight in having awesome secrets as it were. Like having discovered your own private beach, off the beaten path, which no one else seems to know about.

Which is all fine by me, but if the partners are not on the same page with this, stress and the definitions game ensues.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 05-01-2011, 09:03 PM
magikman79's Avatar
magikman79 magikman79 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: College Station TX
Posts: 53
Default same

We have some issues with the definition game from time to time as well
__________________
"The more a thing is perfect, the more if feels pleasure and pain."

Our Blog

My Facebook

Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 05-09-2011, 07:45 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

A person very near and dear to me expressed their disappointment over my chosen way of life. They said how they had always thought I shared their family values and high moral standards, which include respect for monogamy. I asked if they truly thought monogamy is the cornerstone of both family values and morality, and they said, to a large degree, yes.

I asked them if it was better then to cheat on one's partner on the sly. They asked back if I thought it was better to kill somebody with a gun or with a knife. I didn't get the comparison. Cheating is wrong; polyamory is consensual non-monogamy, and if everyone wants it, moreover seeks it out, I can't really understand how that could be a priori unethical. If someone who could be poly cheats it is not a failure of polyamory, not even necessarily of monogamy as a very valid and for some people totally workable life choice; it is failure of visibility, education and support for people to come to terms with who they are and to learn that there are options other than misery and mayhem for them (and no, I don't want to convert anyone, or think it is our duty to convert others to poly - I just think everyone who is able to be out should be, just like I think GLBT and other members of alt sex cultures should be as out as possible).

So the conversation ended with them saying 'I don't want to hear anything that is related to this sickness of yours. I am only able to tolerate you in my vicinity if I pretend that it doesn't exist'. Well, gee, if that is not a sure way to invite an ongoing poly-monologue from me I don't know what is. The only way to normalize this 'sickness' of mine, to show that people who are happy and sane can and do enjoy this, is to keep on talking about it.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 05-09-2011, 09:24 PM
magikman79's Avatar
magikman79 magikman79 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: College Station TX
Posts: 53
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
A person very near and dear to me expressed their disappointment over my chosen way of life. They said how they had always thought I shared their family values and high moral standards, which include respect for monogamy. I asked if they truly thought monogamy is the cornerstone of both family values and morality, and they said, to a large degree, yes.

I asked them if it was better then to cheat on one's partner on the sly. They asked back if I thought it was better to kill somebody with a gun or with a knife. I didn't get the comparison. Cheating is wrong; polyamory is consensual non-monogamy, and if everyone wants it, moreover seeks it out, I can't really understand how that could be a priori unethical. If someone who could be poly cheats it is not a failure of polyamory, not even necessarily of monogamy as a very valid and for some people totally workable life choice; it is failure of visibility, education and support for people to come to terms with who they are and to learn that there are options other than misery and mayhem for them (and no, I don't want to convert anyone, or think it is our duty to convert others to poly - I just think everyone who is able to be out should be, just like I think GLBT and other members of alt sex cultures should be as out as possible).

So the conversation ended with them saying 'I don't want to hear anything that is related to this sickness of yours. I am only able to tolerate you in my vicinity if I pretend that it doesn't exist'. Well, gee, if that is not a sure way to invite an ongoing poly-monologue from me I don't know what is. The only way to normalize this 'sickness' of mine, to show that people who are happy and sane can and do enjoy this, is to keep on talking about it.
We have lost friends over it as well. that's cool though, they can live how they want & We will live how we want.
__________________
"The more a thing is perfect, the more if feels pleasure and pain."

Our Blog

My Facebook

Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 05-10-2011, 01:24 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Sickness? Ouch. Sorry to hear that ...
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
break up, couples, jealousy, nre, triad fallout/vee, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:59 PM.