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  #11  
Old 04-24-2011, 05:19 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
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A few thoughts:

While your bf may be uncomfortable with the idea of meeting or hearing about anyone you date, you are uncomfortable with not meeting her. He should try to understand that the two of you have different needs, and his way is not better than yours -- for you. Some mutual respect and compromise is in order. If I were you, I'd tell him, "For my own peace of mind, I need to at least talk to her. I respect your wishes, so please respect mine, and let her know I will be in touch this week." Then make the call and see if she wants to meet.


The fact that he is okay with you dating a woman but not a man belittles everything a woman could be for you. It is sexist and prejudicial and smacks of insecurities and competitiveness about men that he needs to deal with himself. I am glad to hear that he is not restricting you from being with a man, but I think that if you are going to have polyamorous relationships, he needs to accept that you cannot bend real life to a pre-conceived and pre-approved formula. Loving is loving and if a man comes along that you are attracted to and would like to explore possibilities with, he should accept it. After all, you are your own woman and he can't place demands on who and how you love.


I think it is perfect timing that you go out with this guy who asked you out for the same time your bf is on a date - it will help keep your mind off what's happening and you certainly won't be the one "left behind." It's not a manipulation, it happened of its own accord. I think you should go ahead and enjoy yourself!
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  #12  
Old 04-24-2011, 06:01 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hullo and welcome!

I have a lot of questions on your situation, so apologies beforehand for the long post!

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
I emailed her a few times back and forth under the premise of being him and once I felt she could be a good match, I told him and forwarded the info so he could continue the conversation.
Hmm, this is a big red flag for me. Pretending to be someone on-line that you are not puts me off something fierce. Does she know of the trick you two pulled on her? Why can't he take care of making sure somebody is a good match by himself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
I flipped my lid and told him how disrespectful I thought it was. He told me that I'm just going to expect him to not talk to her at all at night.
And yet, I gather this was not what you wanted to say. A very common technique in arguments like this is to say your partner is demanding something unreasonable, which puts them in a defensive position. I think you came up with a decent response.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
I just feel it's completely disrespectful and that she's intruding into our time together, even if it's just text. I'm feeling too much of a presence already in that regard and I don't like it at all.
Texts don't demand an answer. Calling continuously would be intrusive. The problem is at your bf's end, and is most likely to do with NRE, as RP already pointed out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
If this is just friendship and sex, what's the big deal? I think I may be worried that he might fall or her or him for her though I've been reassured 101 times by him that he's not going to do that or throw away what we have and that their connection cannot come close to ours...
Ah, but the thing is, that is a promise he really can't keep, I fear. The whole expression 'to fall for sb' implies that it is not something you plan for. Trying to manage his emotions and put limits on what he can and can't feel is a fail-proof method of creating heartbreak and misery IMHO.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
Now this is something I have NO control over aside from groundrules I laid out (he thinks I went a tad overboard on the boundaries and says he wouldn't ask half of what I am) and not "knowing" everything is bothering me. I feel left out. How am I going to deal with this once he does start seeing her weekly?
Probably like shite, if the three of you won't start addressing these issue well beforehand. The idea that you can actually control anyone else's actions but your own is a dangerous illusion. Let go of it now - trust me, you'll feel much lighter afterwards.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
...he was NOT cool with that. Demanding to know why I needed to? What questions could I possibly have for her that he hasn't answered?
Hmm, a tad defensive he seems to me. What does he have to hide?

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
I trust him, but I don't trust her potential feelings or motives because I don't know her. This not knowing her is getting to me, I know it. Why do I desire to know her so bad? Is it to assert my place? I don't want to come off as a bitch and I want them to have fun, but I want her to know that's all it is and all it can be. He says they've already talked about that and that's all she wants. No love or anything.
You answered your own question. You are scared beyond belief that your bf might cultivate a romantic relationship with someone else than you, and you want to make sure this woman knows whose the alpha female of the pack.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
I don't know why he is so reluctant. He says it's just weird to him. Says he wouldn't want to meet or know any of my partners, sure he'd have questions or would want to know about them, but as far as meeting them, no...he has no interest he says and doesn't feel it's necessary for me either. Says he doesn't think I would like her for the sheer fact of what she is doing.
He's not you and you are not him. Moot point. This is a MAJOR red flag for me - why is he so scared to let the two of you meet?

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
The more he tells me he doesn't want me to meet her, the more uncomfortable I am, so I guess I should just drop it
That is a good sign that you should definitely NOT drop it, because the more you let it fester, the bigger hurdle it will become.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gamerprincess View Post
Is it odd for me to go out with him tomorrow when my bf is meeting his potential secondary? Or should I choose another night?
Actually, most folks think of something to do while their partners are out on dates. Meet up with friends, go to the movies/theater/concert, engage in a hobby etc. It might be a good idea to be around other people.

Sorry if I sound a bit blunt, I do think there is potential in here but just worried about a lot of stuff you wrote.

Courage!
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  #13  
Old 04-25-2011, 04:03 AM
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gamerprincess gamerprincess is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Hullo and welcome!

I have a lot of questions on your situation, so apologies beforehand for the long post!



Hmm, this is a big red flag for me. Pretending to be someone on-line that you are not puts me off something fierce. Does she know of the trick you two pulled on her? Why can't he take care of making sure somebody is a good match by himself?



And yet, I gather this was not what you wanted to say. A very common technique in arguments like this is to say your partner is demanding something unreasonable, which puts them in a defensive position. I think you came up with a decent response.



Texts don't demand an answer. Calling continuously would be intrusive. The problem is at your bf's end, and is most likely to do with NRE, as RP already pointed out.



Ah, but the thing is, that is a promise he really can't keep, I fear. The whole expression 'to fall for sb' implies that it is not something you plan for. Trying to manage his emotions and put limits on what he can and can't feel is a fail-proof method of creating heartbreak and misery IMHO.



Probably like shite, if the three of you won't start addressing these issue well beforehand. The idea that you can actually control anyone else's actions but your own is a dangerous illusion. Let go of it now - trust me, you'll feel much lighter afterwards.



Hmm, a tad defensive he seems to me. What does he have to hide?



You answered your own question. You are scared beyond belief that your bf might cultivate a romantic relationship with someone else than you, and you want to make sure this woman knows whose the alpha female of the pack.



He's not you and you are not him. Moot point. This is a MAJOR red flag for me - why is he so scared to let the two of you meet?



That is a good sign that you should definitely NOT drop it, because the more you let it fester, the bigger hurdle it will become.



Actually, most folks think of something to do while their partners are out on dates. Meet up with friends, go to the movies/theater/concert, engage in a hobby etc. It might be a good idea to be around other people.

Sorry if I sound a bit blunt, I do think there is potential in here but just worried about a lot of stuff you wrote.

Courage!
Thanks so much for all the input, BlackUnicorn Greatly appreciated and no worries on the bluntness, really. I constructively accept all questions and opinions.

In regards to the ad I posted, I posted that on my own free will because after our unicorn hunt failed after a few years, we wanted to be open to other forms of poly and as a surprise I posted the ad. I didn't even tell him about it. I wanted to find a woman I thought would be a good match, someone that I would be comfortable with him being with. Once I got a reply and she seemed to be a nice fit, I told him I placed the ad and that I fot a reply after a while and after finding out a little bit about her, I think he might like her and should continue the conversation. I know him almost better than himself, we are so much alike. I know he would trust my judgment. It just sucks that these insanely jealous feelings started once things started happening. She is aware of it and told him it was kind of cute that I was almost picking out the woman for him.

I have kept my cool about the texting, and even today told him.. "Hey, its OK you can text her you know..I'm not going to be upset if you do and you don't have to hide it" as we had off together during the day, when I usually work on Sundays. I actually was OK with it and though I felt a little jealousy, I did not voice it and overcame it. I found other things to do, or I sat there in the same room watching TV being comfortable with it. It's not as bad as I thought it was I'm getting used to it.

He also is OK with me meeting her if she is comfortable with it. Apparently she had a bad experience meeting an ex's wife. The man had been cheating on the wife with her, fathered a couple of kids and then when the wife found out, she and her met..and well, it didn't go well with the mono wife, for sure. The wife was awful to her, as expected, however I explained that I am not going to be rude, yet very respectful and friendly. If he truly likes her, I will respect her for making him happy as she should respect me.

If she is not comfortable meeting at first, he will tell her that she needs to at least talk to me on the phone or via email, but will prefer we meet if it's what makes me comfortable and also in the event that he needs a ride home from her place one night (he doesn't want to spend the night, but if he's drinking I and him don't want him driving drunk) or if she comes to pick him up if she wants to drive..or if there's ever an emergency situation, which hopefully never occurs. He understands now how important it is that we are not only aware of each other, but know each other. It doesn't have to be a friendship, just a mutual respect and consideration for the other without hostility. If it turns into a friendship, even better. It would make me feel much better.

I think that we are just both so new to all of this. We're both experiencing so many different emotions and feelings. I told him about the guy who asked me out, and he was not too happy about it, but told me if that is what I wanted, he supported that. I doubt I'll go out with the guy ans I just don't feel that's what I really want. I'd rather find a wonderful woman to meet, but I think as of right now, until I sort out all of these feelings with him and her, I need to wait before adding more emotions and feelings into my head, just to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons.

He was going to meet her tonight at her request, but he canceled on her after really feeling it is too soon. I am glad he is taking a little more time to get to know her before meeting her. There are some details about her I am a little uncomfortable with as I think she might have tried to trap a married man in the past. He also feels a little weary on it and wants to know more and make his intentions perfectly clear before moving forward with meeting her.

He says he feels nervous about meeting her. It's his first in 6 years since meeting me and I think he's having feelings of hurting me irreparably. I told him he should do it on his own terms and when he feels comfortable and to not let her decide when they meet. Today, I've been very supportive of his decision to meet her and moving forward if they click. I've asked questions and when he seems nervous, I let him know it's OK and I think he should do this. I let him know I want him to be happy and if him being happy is meeting someone else who brings out another side of him that makes our relationship even stronger (absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?), then I am OK with that as I would want the happiness in our relationship to make him excited to be with her. He gives me so much love and happiness that I almost am excited for him to share that with another woman who needs it and is appreciative of it.
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  #14  
Old 04-25-2011, 04:13 AM
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gamerprincess gamerprincess is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
A few thoughts:

While your bf may be uncomfortable with the idea of meeting or hearing about anyone you date, you are uncomfortable with not meeting her. He should try to understand that the two of you have different needs, and his way is not better than yours -- for you. Some mutual respect and compromise is in order. If I were you, I'd tell him, "For my own peace of mind, I need to at least talk to her. I respect your wishes, so please respect mine, and let her know I will be in touch this week." Then make the call and see if she wants to meet.


The fact that he is okay with you dating a woman but not a man belittles everything a woman could be for you. It is sexist and prejudicial and smacks of insecurities and competitiveness about men that he needs to deal with himself. I am glad to hear that he is not restricting you from being with a man, but I think that if you are going to have polyamorous relationships, he needs to accept that you cannot bend real life to a pre-conceived and pre-approved formula. Loving is loving and if a man comes along that you are attracted to and would like to explore possibilities with, he should accept it. After all, you are your own woman and he can't place demands on who and how you love.


I think it is perfect timing that you go out with this guy who asked you out for the same time your bf is on a date - it will help keep your mind off what's happening and you certainly won't be the one "left behind." It's not a manipulation, it happened of its own accord. I think you should go ahead and enjoy yourself!
Thanks, I really appreciate ur input and I think I sort included replies to you in my reply to BlackUnicorn. LOL.
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