How do Monos cope with Polys?

[Midnight]

He says he doesn't sexualise her. Although he's just told me that he has wanted to kiss her. So I'm a bit confused now (in fact I'm f.....d off!!). I think he is confused. I think he should search around this site, and start working out for himself what he wants!

[MonoVCPHG]

Yeah..he's holding back in my opinion...maybe not intentionally but I bet he knows in his heart. There is also what she wants..she's young, in love perhaps, legitimately not wanting more intimacy is not very common I would think.
Kissing someone you love is very powerful. It's a landslide that is hard to stop.

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by Midnight

Should I go against my instincts and try to find someone else too?

NO! Definitely not. Trust your instincts. Be true to yourself.

Originally Posted by Midnight

Should we all meet up together and talk about it?

Yes. Definitely.

Originally Posted by Midnight

Should I just let myself feel the jealousy, and see what comes up, when I just allow it?

It may be very useful to you to find out what is triggering your feelings of jealousy, so that those root causes can be addressed.. For instance, if insecurity is the underlying cause, you and your others could work on ways to help you feel secure, safe and supported in your relationships, which should reduce the jealousy.

Originally Posted by Midnight

Is this too boring for you interesting people?

Goodness, no, sweetie! We are all here to help one another!

[Midnight]

Thanks for this Fidelia. You're all amazingly sweet.

got another question - which I'll post in the right place, with a quote....
x

[Midnight]

You all seem to be saying we should all get together and talk about it.

here's my question :

This all started about 2 years ago. After meeting her, and exploring the idea of them having a 'friendship', I decided i couldn't trust it (they'd bee lying to me). I eventually asked my husband to choose between the two of us. He chose me. They've been missing each other ever since, and had the occasional email contact. If I open things up again, and invite a conversation, I'm worried that commits me in some way. Is it fair on her, for me to invite her into a conversation, if I'm not sure I want to commit to anything? I'm not even sure I can trust her really.

[Fidelia]

If you open a discussion on the topic, that's what you're committing to: a discussion. Also, how could any of you make any committments to each other without first thoroughly discussing the issues at hand?

If they had been lying to you, I for one wouldn't blame you if you shut down altogether to the possibility of signing on for more of the same. So the fact that you are even open to discussing the issue speaks well of your open mindedness and desire to see that all of you are having your needs met. But it is not selfish to protect your heart, especially in cases where it's been put at risk in the past. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your personal integrity. How can I love someone else until I first find and nurture that love inside myself?

Originally Posted by Midnight

I'm not even sure I can trust her really.

Is it that you are not sure you can trust her, or is it that you already distrust her? If you're not sure, perhaps you can open the door to building trust. If you distrust her, you're done and there's nothing left to discuss. (IMO. I would not waste time discussing becoming involved with someone I distrust.)

[Midnight]

I really like your clear thinking. Thank you
xx

[Midnight]

It may be very useful to you to find out what is triggering your feelings of jealousy, so that those root causes can be addressed.. For instance, if insecurity is the underlying cause, you and your others could work on ways to help you feel secure, safe and supported in your relationships, which should reduce the jealousy.

A question about this please!

What I'm noticing is I don't doubt B's love for me. I'm very clear that he loves me. I'm sure insecurity is an important aspect of it. Almost feel 'lesser' cos I don't fall in love with others myself. I actually suspect there's envy in there for me - i.e. I find it a bit unbearable to think of him loving someone else, when I'm not interested in that - I wanna have some of that for myself (except that I dont). I also seem to be attached to the exclusivity of our love. Don't like the feeling of that leaching out to anyone else. Have the same feeling about sex - it's a sacred union - it's exclusive which is what for me makes it sacred.... (luckily he's not challenging me on that one - seems mono himself when it comes to sex)

Any suggestions for how I get to a deeper understanding of the issues around my jealousy, and how I get support from him/them in that?

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by Midnight

I really like your clear thinking. Thank you
xx

I'm so glad I could help. Sometimes it's easy to see another person's situation more clearly than our own. That's one of the things I love about this forum. Many views, many voices.

[Midnight]

Originally Posted by Midnight

It may be very useful to you to find out what is triggering your feelings of jealousy, so that those root causes can be addressed.. For instance, if insecurity is the underlying cause, you and your others could work on ways to help you feel secure, safe and supported in your relationships, which should reduce the jealousy.

A question about this please!

What I'm noticing is I don't doubt B's love for me. I'm very clear that he loves me. I'm sure insecurity is an important aspect of it. Almost feel 'lesser' cos I don't fall in love with others myself. I actually suspect there's envy in there for me - i.e. I find it a bit unbearable to think of him loving someone else, when I'm not interested in that - I wanna have some of that for myself (except that I dont). I also seem to be attached to the exclusivity of our love. Don't like the feeling of that leaching out to anyone else. Have the same feeling about sex - it's a sacred union - it's exclusive which is what for me makes it sacred.... (luckily he's not challenging me on that one - seems mono himself when it comes to sex)

Any suggestions for how I get to a deeper understanding of the issues around my jealousy, and how I get support from him/them in that?

I'm wondering if you missed this question I posted - about dealing with the jealousy feelings, and getting support around the feelings of insecurity.... sorry if I'm hassling...