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  #11  
Old 04-24-2011, 06:56 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Well, welcome to the roller coaster. Hop on and enjoy the ride, you will be here for the long haul if it all goes as it usually does

Take a breath and realize that this is a beginning. I agree with NYCindie, she had her world rocked today and sometimes people respond with "Oh ya, well let me rock your world too sunshine!" Don't take it to heart, I would be very surprised if she ended your seemingly long marriage, if in fact you kid is yours, from one conversation....

I think the advice here is pretty accurate, you should take it and come here for comfort, or find a group there... take baby steps and be persistent that this isn't going to change for you.

Do you get to have a girlfriend tomorrow? No. I hope you don't have anyone lined up or you will be shit out of luck. Do people start out this way and end up being able to get their needs met? Yes. Quite often it takes time and life changing work, but it is possible. You have made a really good start it sounds like; honesty, respect, openness, no cheating... consideration and compassion could use some work, but meh, its the first day... you'll get there...

Some suggested reading would be under the tag search of "foundations" and "lesson" go to the tool bar and click search and it will direct you from there.

Good luck with tomorrow. Take a day at a time and remember to breath through the hard stuff.
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  #12  
Old 04-24-2011, 07:25 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
By uppity, I meant indignant. Of course, it's understandable that you don't want it to be so difficult and that her response feels like blackmail, but I was only trying to point out that it's a bit over the top to get upset with her reaction if you think about what it feels like to be in her shoes. Digging your heels in right now is not a good idea, it's not even been a whole day for her to absorb what you told her. Some couples who have posted their stories in the Blogs section took years of talking and negotiating before opening up their marriages.
Yes, you are right. Thank you.

*deep breath*

*deep breath*

*deep breath*

Quote:
Oh, I was going to ask you how it went with the therapist, because you had mentioned you were going in your other thread.
I think it went well. The therapist granted me an "attaboy" for not having actually physically cheated, but did say that the secret attractions I had been keeping were, in their own way, an affair, and I agreed. The therapist said I needed to be honest, and step up to help heal the hurt that I was going to cause, and I agreed.

So, today (Saturday), I did. I had expected all sorts of things, but a quiet conversation, ending with a quiet ultimatum (even if it was coming from an emotional place of its own), was not one of them. Most (all?) of the worst wailing was my own.

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I think it's a good sign that she's agreed to go with you next time. But give her the space to feel what she's feeling and express what she needs to express. Just because she's saying she will do that does not mean it will actually happen, but that she's in extreme turmoil over this. She is hurting.
Yes. I think it would be good for her to have her own session, before we started going as a couple.


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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Well, welcome to the roller coaster. Hop on and enjoy the ride, you will be here for the long haul if it all goes as it usually does

Take a breath and realize that this is a beginning. I agree with NYCindie, she had her world rocked today and sometimes people respond with "Oh ya, well let me rock your world too sunshine!" Don't take it to heart, I would be very surprised if she ended your seemingly long marriage, if in fact you kid is yours, from one conversation....
Oh, he's mine. I am dead certain of it, no question. I don't want to provide too many details here, or else my identity will be blown, but I can talk about it with you privately if you wish.

Quote:
I think the advice here is pretty accurate, you should take it and come here for comfort, or find a group there... take baby steps and be persistent that this isn't going to change for you.

Do you get to have a girlfriend tomorrow? No. I hope you don't have anyone lined up or you will be shit out of luck.
I don't have anyone lined up. I'm crushing pretty hard on someone, but I have not told her or begun anything in any way. I was adamant with myself that things had to happen in the proper order--anything less would be dishonest and even more hurtful than it already has been.

Quote:
Do people start out this way and end up being able to get their needs met? Yes. Quite often it takes time and life changing work, but it is possible. You have made a really good start it sounds like; honesty, respect, openness, no cheating... consideration and compassion could use some work, but meh, its the first day... you'll get there...
There's a bit of difference from the personal hurt I've expressed here and what I actually said to my wife. Our conversation was actually quiet, and I was extremely apologetic. Toward the end of it was an "Oh God, what I have I done?" moment, but I can't close the door now.

Quote:
Some suggested reading would be under the tag search of "foundations" and "lesson" go to the tool bar and click search and it will direct you from there.
I will do that. It seems like all I've been reading for the longest time has been about polyamory, and I could SO use a break from it, but I don't think that's coming any time soon.

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Good luck with tomorrow. Take a day at a time and remember to breath through the hard stuff.
Ah, tomorrow. I have to tell my son something lest he try to fill in the blanks for himself and think something really terrible. I don't know what to tell him right now, because I don't even really know myself where this is going to go. I cannot honestly reassure him that it's alright, because I don't know that to be true myself.

There is precious damned little out there that shows up on a google search (or on a forum search) for how to deal with such things. I'm hoping that, in this thread, we can collect something useful while I flail about in desperation.

Thank you all so much. I don't know if I could have gotten through today without you.
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  #13  
Old 04-24-2011, 07:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
Ah, tomorrow. I have to tell my son something lest he try to fill in the blanks for himself and think something really terrible. I don't know what to tell him right now, because I don't even really know myself where this is going to go. I cannot honestly reassure him that it's alright, because I don't know that to be true myself.
How old is he? Why do you feel the need to tell him? It might be just enough to say that you and your wife are working on some issues because you love each other and people change and grow in relationships, but I wonder if he needs to know much more than that -- at least until some kind of agreement is reached between you and her.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #14  
Old 04-24-2011, 08:57 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
How old is he? Why do you feel the need to tell him?
He's in his early teens. I need to tell him something, because he knows something is going on, but doesn't know what, and he keeps asking. He hasn't yet felt what it's like to be in love, or even to have a crush, so I don't think he can yet really understand the details, but as you have written:

Quote:
It might be just enough to say that you and your wife are working on some issues because you love each other and people change and grow in relationships, but I wonder if he needs to know much more than that -- at least until some kind of agreement is reached between you and her.
So, I'm thinking of just telling him that his mom and I are going through a rough patch, but we're working on it.
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  #15  
Old 04-24-2011, 07:01 PM
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Any time you want to talk privately please do so. Some times public talk is just too vulnerable. PM anyone you feel comfortable talking to. I can't guarantee that people will respond, but if they don't try someone else. We are all understanding and willing to listen... most of us here have been through some shit with this stuff or at least are in a similar boat.

I can understand that at some point philosophizing and theorizing get tiring, but remember she is starting out... maybe directing her to some useful sites and books (there is a "book recommendation" sticky) would help. There is also a lot her on "mono/poly" relationships if that will help her understand that she is also not alone. It sounds like she might need some catching up...

As for your son. I'd just tell mine that I love lots of people and that sometimes that can be hard to navigate in a marriage... end of story. The rest isn't his business and really he just wants to know that he is loved and that his place in the family is secure.
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  #16  
Old 04-24-2011, 10:35 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
(...PM to talk privately...)
Thanks.

Quote:
I can understand that at some point philosophizing and theorizing get tiring, but remember she is starting out... maybe directing her to some useful sites and books (there is a "book recommendation" sticky) would help. There is also a lot her on "mono/poly" relationships if that will help her understand that she is also not alone. It sounds like she might need some catching up...
Oh, certainly, but I have to wait until she's ready. This cannot be force-fed, and she is not yet in a receptive frame of mind.

Quote:
As for your son. I'd just tell mine that I love lots of people and that sometimes that can be hard to navigate in a marriage... end of story. The rest isn't his business and really he just wants to know that he is loved and that his place in the family is secure.
That, and that his parents aren't splitting up. It's that part that I cannot promise, although I am trying not to have that happen.
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  #17  
Old 04-25-2011, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
Oh, certainly, but I have to wait until she's ready. This cannot be force-fed, and she is not yet in a receptive frame of mind.
True, true. My metamour (married woman) is having some major self-image issues, along the lines 'Am I no longer attractive enough? Am I being replaced for someone younger and hotter?' (She's hot as hell, just sayin' ). Until those issues are worked through, insisting that we make major strides in our relationship is a bit unfair. You have to address present hurts and not push your own agenda with metamours/established partners, and things are WAY easier for you since you don't have a secondary relationship in the works.

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Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
That, and that his parents aren't splitting up. It's that part that I cannot promise, although I am trying not to have that happen.
Yep, but you never can promise something like that. Sometimes, the decision is not up to you. 'We are not splitting up RIGHT NOW' is not as comforting but more honest.

Also, your son is old enough to make up his own mind on how much contact he wants with you in the case of relocation and divorce. I agree with previous posters, though - your wife is just overwhelmed right now and is searching for the easy way out. Sometimes, even the thought of 'Yes, I can leave if things get unbearable' is a comfort that gets us through difficult phases in relationships. So I wouldn't read too much into it right now.
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  #18  
Old 04-27-2011, 06:45 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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We're now four days in--still early days, and I'm trying to keep that in mind.

I still tell my wife that I love her, but she gets this look on her face when I do, so I'm doing it less (not at all the last two days). It's been four days since I've heard her say the words to me (and it used to be a several times per day thing). I asked her if it would be OK if I still showed her the physical affection that I was accustomed to showing her, and she said that she was not comfortable with that.

In all other respects, she's acting normally--friendly in conversation, quick to smile, still doing nice little things for me, but this is really confusing. I don't know where I stand, and although I want to ask, I want to leave her time to process without me being nagging and clingy.

I can't sleep. I can't think straight. I can't focus at work. I have this feeling of dread in my stomach that my marriage is now just this hollowed-out thing, and that we're now reduced to pro forma going-through-the-motions. I hope that is just me being panicky, and that it is not real, that she's feeling hurt and angry right now, and that it will get better.
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  #19  
Old 04-27-2011, 07:00 PM
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Four days is barely scratching the surface my friend. Keep breathing and pace yourself. I suggest not reading in to any of it. After four months, if there is no change then maybe ask to address what's been going on, but everything changes quickly at the beginning usually, so take heed and save your energy for the big talks that tend to come up.
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  #20  
Old 04-27-2011, 07:47 PM
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I don't see anything wrong with a very, very gentle, "What is going on? Is there anything you want to talk to me about?"

Gentle, kind, patient.

I could not walk around on eggshells for very long. Mind you, it may not be the time to have a big, deep discussion, but she might appreciate just knowing that you noticed and are in tune with her and can see something different.

Of course, that would be your opportunity to reassure her as best as you can.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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