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  #1  
Old 12-31-2010, 05:15 AM
polyluv polyluv is offline
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Red face So in love...how can we move foward?

I have recently reconnected with an old friend. She was my first female crush and we lost contact for a while. Well my fiance and I got talkin to her (im 25 f and he's 25 m) alot and we both kinda fell in love with her. Even though it was a little fast, after six months of talk, we decided we want to relocate and move closer to her (she's in tx-we're in ca). We have no real connectons holding us. During this whole decision, she was kinda dating around cuz she was recently single, about a two mos out of an abusive relationship. Well, I went to go and find a job...thinking this will give me a chance to hang out with her...get to know her mor personally and figure out if we were compatable. Well the week before going to the airport she tells me that she decided to get more serious with one of the guys she was seeing. I didn't want to interfere with her new relationship so i said nothing....i still love this girl and even if we couldnt be together the way i wanted she was still one of my best friends and i still wanted to be close to her, so my fiance and i went to tx. He stayed for a few days and the three of us hung out and for a month while my fiance was in cali I was in tx with her... Me and this girl spent alot of time together and I fell even more deeply even though she had a boyfriend...I just got jeolous...I hid it well. I really had no right to be anyway. I was there for a month and I decided to let these feelings go because she seemed so happy even though I had my reservations about her relationship. I went back home to my fiance and he felt the same about just being there for her and letting her be happy.
It's now 3 months later and she just called me telling me about her relationship ending...it truely breaks my fiances and my heart. All the feelings came back cuz they never really left. And all I want to do is tell her that we have fallen for her and see where it goes. I fear that if I wait for her to get over her last relationship we will lose our chance again. She has a habbit for rebounding into relationships...i don't want us to be a rebound. I just feel that we are good for her and we wouldn't be a typical rebound. But it could just be my hopeful thinking.
I know this is all a little thrown together...any advice would be helpful and feel free to ask questions so that u get a better picture of the situation.
Thank you
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  #2  
Old 12-31-2010, 09:44 AM
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why not just tell her how you feel and what you would like to see happen? If she is ever interested in that, then she can bring it up... then support her broken heart due her break up and wait to see what she comes up with. These things take time sometimes, but patience can sometimes be worth it.
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Old 04-24-2011, 02:01 AM
polyluv polyluv is offline
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So, since the last post...I have yet to tell my friend how I feel about her...I'm a chicken, but there is more to it than that. She got back with her bf before I got up the guts... We still talk but I tried to distance myself. They have been off and on over the past months. I still care about her deeply but the distance has been so difficult in keeping our friendship solid... I wonder how it would be if it were more. Now I have told her that I was looking for a third for my relationship and she is very supportive. She seemed a little taken aback by our relationship at first but she still supportive. We joke and laugh about women I like or am attracted to, and right now I've been taking a lil break from dating...but lately she has been very flirty with me and even my bf. He still feels for her too and they just started talking again. He distanced himself too. Right now she is still with her bf, so I don't know if she's just messing around or if she is trying to find an opening. She's so loving and so that is why I can't tell... Maybe I'm seeing more than there really is.
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Old 04-24-2011, 02:14 AM
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I have a feeling you are seeing more to it than there really is. She's trying to make it work with a seemingly rocky relationship, but it must be worth it to her. I don't get the sense that there's anything there beyond a friendship between you and her. If you've already talked about being bi and poly, and she didn't take that as an opportunity to say she's interested, I would let it go. I think you may have simply let yourself get carried away by your fantasies.

I am curious about this statement:
Quote:
Right now she is still with her bf, so I don't know if she's just messing around or if she is trying to find an opening.
I mean, if she were interested in you, why couldn't she also be with him? You have someone else.

But that's a different matter. My gut is telling you to leave it alone. I mean, you "fell in love" on the phone, right? There's got to be more than that for it to be real. Plus you might just be rekindling old romantic notions you have about your "first crush," which very likely is just a friendship in her eyes and nothing more.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-24-2011 at 05:15 AM.
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Old 04-24-2011, 03:00 AM
polyluv polyluv is offline
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Thank you for your honesty, and I will keep it all in mind. You could be 100 percent right about the whole thing, cuz I sometimes felt that everything I was feeling was just unrequited feelings. She is my friend first, and no matter what I have to mantain that.
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Old 04-24-2011, 03:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I have a feeling you are seeing more to it than there really is. She's trying to make it work with a seemingly rocky relationship, but it must be worth it to her. I don't get the sense that there's anything there beyond a friendship between you and her. If you've already talked about being bi and she didn't take that as an opportunity to say she's interested, I would let it go. [...] I mean, if she were interested in you, why couldn't she also be with him? You have someone else.

But that's a different matter. My gut is telling you to leave it alone.
My favourite game: taking the other side. But first, I think you need to think about this: How much of this is that you and your boyfriend want a 3rd... and she's a possible candidate? (Like looking for someone to fill a vacancy?)

Back to the game. Polyamory is a new concept for many people. So I donīt really agree with nycindie's implied conclusion: "If you've already talked about being bi and she didn't take that as an opportunity to say she's interested"... [then she's probably not interested].

a) You say that she's supportive about your looking for a third. Some people who have come out (as poly) to their friends have LOST their friends over it.
b) How many films have you seen where A loves B and B loves A but both are too shy / certain that their feelings won't be returned / afraid of being hurt to admit it until they've "wasted" most of the time of the film, then fall into each other's arms? Sometimes that happens in real life.
c) You and your bf are considering poly. Would you consider your female friend being poly (having a bf as well as her relationship with you 2)? Or would you insist on a closed triad? If you answer yes to the 1st, what's to stop her "joining" you without leaving him?
d) Maybe she got back with her boyfriend because she needs love in her life and hasn't found the right person... so she's "making do".

Maybe you should consider the tactic that goes with the saying "many a true word is spoken in jest". Next time you talk to her about looking for a 3rd, and she makes supportive noises (or asks interested questions), you could say: "Hey! You wouldn't be interested in the position, would you?" (little laugh?)

She might respond positively right away. Or it might set her to thinking. Or she can assume/pretend that it was just a joke. And nobody gets hurt.

If she thinks that it was just a joke, but - thinking about it - she starts to get interested, she might come back at you in a few weeks with another joke. And the ball's back in your court...
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