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Old 04-23-2011, 08:39 PM
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Default New to this..Feeling a lot of jealousy and confusion over "her"

Hi all, I'm new here and hope that I can get some great advice and support through this. I apologize in advance for the long read and appreciate any advice.

My boyfriend of 6 years and I have talked for years about exploring a polyamorous relationship. At first we were going to look for a polygamous relationship or triad since I am bisexual, but we didn't have much luck with that at all besides a threesome we had once.

A few months back, we decided that he would find a partner on the side that would be non serious and that I could find a woman of my own if I wanted. I can't see myself being with another man, so I opted for a female parter. I've had bare luck with that too. At this point, I've just dropped the idea of having a partner of my own. I feel like I'd just be doing that to pacify myself when he's not around and that's not fair to the person I'd be involved with.

I placed an ad a month ago on Craigslist to find him someone who was comfortable with him having a girlfriend already, and lo and behold, earlier this week I got a reply. I emailed her a few times back and forth under the premise of being him and once I felt she could be a good match, I told him and forwarded the info so he could continue the conversation. I felt a some pangs of jealousy, but knew it would happen.

Well, every day and night since then, he's been texting her NON STOP. It's driving me absolutely insane and though I've been trying to keep the jealousy under wraps, when we are together and he's on a text fest from 7-10 at night, it's making me bitter, evil and I've gotten so mad that we've argued the past 2 nights in a row. Part of it is also that he took me out Thursday for my birthday and while he didn't text during dinner as he told her to not bother him since we were going to dinner, after we got back to the house and had some birthday "fun" in the shower, he goes right to texting her!!!!! I had asked him to not do it on Friday night, yesterday because that was my birthday and even though we were just hanging out at home, that was our time. So, what does he do? He's texting her most of the night. I flipped my lid and told him how disrespectful I thought it was. He told me that I'm just going to expect him to not talk to her at all at night.

His point is, I'm only going to see her once a week..what am I supposed to do? Not talk to her at night when that's her free time? I told him, just not every night. I don't mind a couple times a week, and I'm sorry that it's the most convenient time for her, but since him and I work different schedules with different days off, the night time is our time to hang out and it's the most inconvenient time for me.

I may be being selfish, but I think since I'm the one making the biggest adjustment in this, that the least he could do is to tell her that is our time and for her to be respectful of that. I wouldn't text her during their time together as I respect them and that time alone. I just feel it's completely disrespectful and that she's intruding into our time together, even if it's just text. I'm feeling too much of a presence already in that regard and I don't like it at all.

I'm feeling a lot of unsure feelings. I worry about the NRE part of this and that I'm going to feel left out, hurt and inadequate. If this is just friendship and sex, what's the big deal? I think I may be worried that he might fall or her or him for her though I've been reassured 101 times by him that he's not going to do that or throw away what we have and that their connection cannot come close to ours, yet I worry it will. How much reassurance do I need??? He's feeling like a broken record.

I'm scared because it's so new to both of us. Yes we've had a threesome with another woman before, but I was involved. Now this is something I have NO control over aside from groundrules I laid out (he thinks I went a tad overboard on the boundaries and says he wouldn't ask half of what I am) and not "knowing" everything is bothering me. I feel left out. How am I going to deal with this once he does start seeing her weekly?

I don't know how to be accomodating of her..I never had to be accomodating of any other woman before in our relationship, yet he wants this and I want to keep him too so I need to learn really quick. I selfishly feel that I should always be the priority, and while I know that I am and he says I am, I think I may be making things difficult and don't want to, I just don't know how to handle what I'm feeling. It's so different than anything I've felt before.

When I told him why I didn't like the texting, and that it's my biggest trigger of jealousy because I feel she's being intrusive and too "present" during our time, he told me he would try to not talk to her so much at night and would tell her why so she can be respectful of how I am feeling. I am fine with that, however when I told him I wanted to meet her after they initially meet for dinner and definitely before anything else happens, well...he was NOT cool with that. Demanding to know why I needed to? What questions could I possibly have for her that he hasn't answered? He says that he's answered everything I've asked and thinks that I'm just going to interrogate her or give her dirty glaring looks. I feel very uncomfortable with him having a problem having us meet, or maybe it's her that has the problem and he won't tell me. Either way, it makes me uneasy and I think that meeting her is what I need to be comfortable..He disagrees.

As of now, I've lost the urge to meet her and I let him know I'd rather not hear about her and don't want to talk about her unless I have a question, but I know I have a ton of questions now and I don't want to overkill him on this. He says she doesn't want anything serious as she doesn't have the time with work and her 3 young kids, which is perfect for him, because he doesn't either with already having a serious girlfriend/borderline wife. I trust him, but I don't trust her potential feelings or motives because I don't know her. This not knowing her is getting to me, I know it. Why do I desire to know her so bad? Is it to assert my place? I don't want to come off as a bitch and I want them to have fun, but I want her to know that's all it is and all it can be. He says they've already talked about that and that's all she wants. No love or anything. Though, I still worry about that.

How do I deal with these feelings, so fresh and so painful? I know I will get over them, but how and when? He's meeting her tomorrow for drinks at night after her kids are in bed. He says it's just to talk, but I worry they're gonna go right to bed which he said isn't going to happen. I wonder about what they will do, how she will like him and how he's going to like her?

I'm the one who wanted this years ago and brought it up. It was a fantasy of mine for him to be with someone else like this, but now that it's happening I've got cold feet. I still want this, but I want to know how to deal with everything I'm feeling. I've got no poly friends or women that I know in the same boat as me, and I certainly don't know any men that I can talk to about what he's feeling. I think I need a lot of help. My closest friends I have talked to think I am crazy for even entertaining the idea and tell me this won't end well. I know it can work, I just need the guidance to help me make this work.

Thanks for listening to me babble all over the place.

Last edited by gamerprincess; 04-23-2011 at 09:59 PM.
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Old 04-24-2011, 03:08 AM
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Ok, so I apologize for the babbling and the ranting, but it seems like he actually listened to my desire to not text her tonight.. And we've been having a wonderful evening. He reassured me a lot as we talked through a lot of things after I read up a lot today on jealousy in polyamory. I think he understands where I am coming from and agreed to read the literature I came across online today.

I am feeling better and have hope that I will overcome these jealous feelings and have an even better relationship with him than before once I get over this hurdle. I'm really thinking this is going to benefit us both so much as it's giving me inspiration and motivation to go out and experience new things and that is exciting for both of us.

He talked to her about my concerns, and she will be more respectful of our time together, which was very comforting. Yay! We may not meet, but at least she is understanding how I feel and wanting to make it easier for me. I respect that in her.

I was just having a moment, so forgive me. Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate it.
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Old 04-24-2011, 06:05 AM
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Maybe you can have a phone conversation with her instead of meeting in person, but meeting her doesn't seem like an unreasonable request. Why doesn't he want you to?
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Old 04-24-2011, 07:03 AM
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Maybe you should all meet, set some boundaries... tell her about your texting request to not text all night and set some times that are okay to text. It sounds like this is all very NREish and as most of us know here, it can get crazy before it gets calmer... doing some research on here for NRE might not be a bad idea... or on jealousy too. It might help you understand what to expect. Try doing a tag search and see what you come up with... there is lots of great stuff to read here!
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Old 04-24-2011, 10:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Maybe you can have a phone conversation with her instead of meeting in person, but meeting her doesn't seem like an unreasonable request. Why doesn't he want you to?
I'm almost afraid to ask for the phone conversation, or email conversation though I do have her phone number and email, I don't want to go behind his back and do it. I don't know why he is so reluctant. He says it's just weird to him. Says he wouldn't want to meet or know any of my partners, sure he'd have questions or would want to know about them, but as far as meeting them, no...he has no interest he says and doesn't feel it's necessary for me either. Says he doesn't think I would like her for the sheer fact of what she is doing.

The more he tells me he doesn't want me to meet her, the more uncomfortable I am, so I guess I should just drop it/
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Old 04-24-2011, 11:53 AM
WalksThroughFire35 WalksThroughFire35 is offline
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Default different needs

This last piece here is something that I am experiencing. My partner and I sometimes have very different needs and it has been a point of conflict lately where I wanted to know certain information about what she was doing in bed with another partner and had certain needs around communication immediately before and after she had sex with someone. She does not have these same needs ... she does not really care to know what I do with someone and does not want to me to talk on the phone with her about it, and instead would rather wait until we are in person to talk about it. Its hard because I automatically expect her to understand and have the same needs as me ... which when I think about it does not make sense at all. I have abandonment issues where, for me, I feel the need to know what is going on at all times so it doesn't feel like she is leaving me. But thats my personal trigger point ... I suppose we all have our own and they will be different for our partners. That is probably something to talk about. If it is important to you for them to not text at certain times and for you to talk with her on some level, then that is okay. And if you are primary, I would hope that those needs are respected on some level and can be negotiated. But perhaps for you it is important to figure out what is at the bottom of those needs so that he can better understand you and show compassion and respect for your needs/boundaries.

When you find another partner, I am sure he will have his own version of this stuff ... it hasn't happened yet, so he probably won't know until it does. And it may be interesting to see how he would feel if your partner was a man versus a woman. If his partner were a man, I wonder if the feelings would change for you. Just questions.
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Old 04-24-2011, 12:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WalksThroughFire35 View Post
This last piece here is something that I am experiencing. My partner and I sometimes have very different needs and it has been a point of conflict lately where I wanted to know certain information about what she was doing in bed with another partner and had certain needs around communication immediately before and after she had sex with someone. She does not have these same needs ... she does not really care to know what I do with someone and does not want to me to talk on the phone with her about it, and instead would rather wait until we are in person to talk about it. Its hard because I automatically expect her to understand and have the same needs as me ... which when I think about it does not make sense at all. I have abandonment issues where, for me, I feel the need to know what is going on at all times so it doesn't feel like she is leaving me. But thats my personal trigger point ... I suppose we all have our own and they will be different for our partners. That is probably something to talk about. If it is important to you for them to not text at certain times and for you to talk with her on some level, then that is okay. And if you are primary, I would hope that those needs are respected on some level and can be negotiated. But perhaps for you it is important to figure out what is at the bottom of those needs so that he can better understand you and show compassion and respect for your needs/boundaries.

When you find another partner, I am sure he will have his own version of this stuff ... it hasn't happened yet, so he probably won't know until it does. And it may be interesting to see how he would feel if your partner was a man versus a woman. If his partner were a man, I wonder if the feelings would change for you. Just questions.
I think you're right about the abandonment issues...I've never known my father, been cast aside by my family and I was married in my previous relationship, and felt he abandoned me by cheating on me over 6 times when I told him that I was bisexual and that there was no need to cheat if he shared with me. I didn't know anything about poly at that time when I was in my earlier 20's and honestly at 30, I'm just now really learning the dynamics having been thrown into this so suddenly, though it really has been a while in the making.

I don't want a friendship with her, I just want a mutual understanding and her to know that this is so new to me, as it seems she has experience in dating poly men, where as this is all new to me. I hope maybe if I show him your post, he will come around and be more understanding of it. I think he's just worried I'm going to scare her off.

Speaking of finding a new partner, I've suddenly got the potential for 2 dates. One woman for coffee and another is a guy I met a week or so ago.

I had not considered another man, yet one has come out of the woodwork that I kind of like. I told him about my relationship and what is going on and he told me he really likes me and would love to take me out and get to know me. I met him when I was sitting on my patio and he was on the boat dock below. He called up to me and asked me if I was into boats and if I wanted to go for a ride with him and his friends. I went down to talk to him, hoping to make a new platonic friend as we just moved here and I get along with men really well in a friendship dynamic, but I declined the boat ride. We exchanged numbers and he's been asking if my bf and I wanted to hang out for a week now, but I've been blowing him off. He texted me again today and thats when I told him what was going on and that I've just been mentally preoccupied. Thats when he offered to take me out anytime that worked for me between now and Thursday to just talk and have a good time.

In previous discussions, my bf seems to not be too comfortable with the idea of me seeing another man, would rather it be a woman, but he says if I want to, that's alright. I want to tell him tomorrow about this guy, but I think that he may think it's retalitory given the timing of his scheduled date, but really it's just coincidental.

Is it odd for me to go out with him tomorrow when my bf is meeting his potential secondary? Or should I choose another night?

Last edited by gamerprincess; 04-24-2011 at 12:18 PM.
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Old 04-24-2011, 12:50 PM
WalksThroughFire35 WalksThroughFire35 is offline
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Default retaliation

Well, I think you first have to be honest with yourself if it is about "retaliation." Because if it is, then that might not be good. I think another thing to check in with yourself about is to see if it is to cover up the painful feelings of your partner being with another woman. That might not be as bad, but I don't know if it serves anyone in the long-run to do things that help avoid understanding and eventually communicating the feelings you have.

Its a whole different thing if the purpose of meeting up with this other guy is to form a genuine connection. And maybe its a mixture ... but I guess here is where you have to check in with yourself, and then with your partner (depending of course on the boundaries that you guys have set up in terms of what communication needs to take place).
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Old 04-24-2011, 12:52 PM
WalksThroughFire35 WalksThroughFire35 is offline
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Default also ...

I'm SUPER new at this. So my insights about it are probably only as good as yours or any others at this point. I think I'm pretty insightful, but definitely not experienced at this stuff.
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Old 04-24-2011, 01:33 PM
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I feel like it's his responsibility to set boundaries with this woman and creates reassurances (WITHIN REASON) for you that you are still the primary and therefore, priority.

This stuff ain't for the faint of heart. You need to look at yourself critically and try to suss out whether or not you're handling this in a mature, reasonable manner or indulging jealousy. He needs to be dead-honest with himself about whether he's allowing his feelings of twitterpation to put priority on the other lady and neglect his responsibilities to you and to being a decent partner.

It is not unreasonable for you to feel put-out that he didn't uphold the terms of your agreement that he "give it a rest" on your birthday.

I think the key here is to not be ambiguous about the details. You must work out with him exactly what you need and exactly what is reasonable based on his relationship with the other woman.

I also think sunshine is a good thing here. He may be uncomfortable with he idea of you and she meeting, but I urge him to work through his inhibitions about it and try to push himself to make it happen. The point here is having a healthy relationship with both of you. Like I said: this isn't for the faint of heart and if meeting her is what's required for this to be healthy, I think he should consider it.
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