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Old 04-23-2011, 07:08 PM
mettwo mettwo is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 8
Default New to this, with a couple who is also new to this. Please help.

OK, I have been really close friends with this guy for about ten years now. A few years ago we began seeing each other casually. Basically, a few times a year we'd get together for ~week long trips.

Then, things began to get more serious, we admitted our feelings for each other, and began talking about how to make things work out between the three of us(his primary being his wife). He got multiple books for us to read, we read the first together (sex at dawn), then The Ethical Slut, which he never read despite my frequent requests for him to because...

During this time my mother became very ill with breast cancer. And his wife got pregnant. I had asked him to come and visit me in my home town (which would be for the first time). He wanted to meet my mother and do a great deal in the house, basically helping out where we needed. He flaked on this trip. Saying that the TSA freaked him out, so he couldn't get past security. And also later admitted that he felt really guilty leaving his pregnant wife alone.

This cause a huge problem between us, I felt very betrayed and abandoned. I took it very personally. Then, we worked things out, he said he'd try to visit. Though he would be able to come right after his child was born (understandable) and that the soonest he'd be able to leave his family to see me would be around June.

Well, he wound up scheduling a trip across the country for a concert in April and begged me to go, saying he'd still come to see me for sure. After agreeing to go, he then said that it'd still be really hard to come and see me, and he didn't know when. I suppose that was a huge red flag to me and I should have protected myself by not going on to the concert with him, but I went anyway. I chose to trust him because he has been such a wonderful friend to me for so long.

Now he is again saying that he doesn't know when he'll be able to get away. Actually saying that his wife did "pretty well" with the kid alone but that it was "hard." That his family really needs him, etc.

My personal feelings are that he knows I need him too, and I don't think I'm asking for very much. Taking care of a dying parent at the age of 23 is probably much harder taking care of an infant that his wife wanted to have. I'm hurt that he bailed on me and then scheduled a fun trip away for himself instead of coming to see me when I needed him.

My mom is now with hospice and I am still her sole care taker. I really want him to come and see me for comfort, just for a short weekend. And he's saying again that he can't get away so soon. I am upset that he chose to get away to a concert but is unwilling to make the time to see me. He talks about how much work it is to prepare things at home for him to be away, but he did it for a concert and I feel like he should be able to do it for me too. Or if he knew he couldn't do something like that twice, he should have come to see me.

I really feel like I am not asking for very much. A weekend with my boyfriend for comfort while I am grieving. He gets upset when I try to talk about it and blows me off.

I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope with this. That I am not being treated fairly, and should move on.

I do worry that I am giving a very one sided analyses of the situation. So what do you guys think? I know he has a new born (and it's his first child), but he knew what he was getting into when he took a second partner and I really feel like I'm not asking for too much.

What do you guys think? Should I just accept that he can't be here for me while I am losing my mother? Or am I right to think that this is unfair to me and I should maybe give up on this relationship?
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honesty, long distance

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