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  #11  
Old 04-12-2009, 10:45 AM
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yoxi yoxi is offline
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I'm not sure where I come down on this field of discussion, but if there's one thing that's clear to me from reading everything people write on the polysubject here and elsewhere, it's that there is no "we" except in the sense of "we all want/choose to live by a different model from the prevailing one". As an ex-jew, ex-'gay', ex-We-The Buddhists, I'm very wary of setting up a collection of individuals as a group that then spends a lot of its time arguing within itself about what its parameters are.

I don't think I want to 'come out as a polyamorist', I just want to come out of the monogamy/promiscuity/celibacy perceptual trap, outside of which just about anything is possible. I feel it would be more valuable to show the general public the vista of possibility rather than to focus on definitions - and I have no idea how to do that, except by (as has been said in a few FAQs I've read) answering people's questions and criticisms outside of their own limited terms. It's like when I lived in a retreat centre for men, and people (especially women) would ask "Why is it only for men?" and I found the best possible answer was "Why not?"

So I do know where I stand - I'm afraid of reducing polyamory from a state of unlimited possibilty to A Stance. "We, the Polyamorists, demand..." shudder...

My opinion. Pinch of salt.
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  #12  
Old 04-12-2009, 03:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yoxi View Post
I'm afraid of reducing polyamory from a state of unlimited possibilty to A Stance. "We, the Polyamorists, demand..." shudder...
None of the advocates for the idea of a national coming out day for polyamorists are saying either that there is a need for "A Stance" of the sort which worries you, nor do they want to make any demands. What they believe will help all who live or wish to live polyamorously is greater visibility and an opportunity to dramatically increase public edjucation of the polyamory option and how people successfully live it.
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  #13  
Old 04-12-2009, 03:19 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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I am on the fence about coming out. There is not a lot of discrimination against polyamory (though there have been some where parents have lost their children.)

I also see multiple marriages next on the horizon after gay marriage is legalized. So coming out now may help that cause of the future.

I heard once that people were more uncomfortable with polyamorists than with monogamous people cheating on their spouse.

The main purpose of coming out is so the general public can associate names and real relationships with a concept. I met many heterosexual people who changed their views on homosexuality after meeting a homosexual.

So far, I have told someone if they ask, but it is rare that such a question comes up.
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  #14  
Old 04-12-2009, 10:00 PM
apollo apollo is offline
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Default Just Awareness

Hi folks,

I'm keen on a national coming out day. I'm not actually that keen myself on "poly community" as anything other than a loose network of friends, and I agree that "the poly agenda" is better as a source of humor than something to take seriously. Certainly anything approaching poly culture is deconstructed faster by polys themselves than it can be created.

But what I've seen over the years is that the most radical thing we can do to influence society is simply to say "we're here, and it's working for us". Many people have no awareness that anyone lives this way; others have heard only negatives, like "my cousin tried that, it totally destroyed her marriage". All of this is filtered through societal assumption - the cousin in question may have had a really rich experience and gone on to make radical choices in her life, but these second-hand messages usually get reduced down to "it doesn't work". Many people wind up buying in to concepts like jealousy and possessiveness more than they otherwise would because they think love is supposed to be that way. I've seen so many people react positively and beautifully, just hearing that we're here, and that our approach to relationship has been & continues to be really enriching for us.

So, I think it's a great idea to have a day focused on raising awareness of our existence. It'll be beneficial for us, as society adapts to our presence, but it'll also be beneficial for millions of people who are stuck in relationship models that don't entirely serve them.

As is appropriate for ... ha! I was about to say "our community"! As is appropriate for people as individual as ourselves, I'm not expecting any orthodoxy around this. Some people will think it's a cool idea, and put some effort towards it. Other (probably most) poly people will just ignore it and go on living their lives. That's all fine. It's motivating for me, so I'll probably do some stuff with it here in Minneapolis.

-Apollo
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  #15  
Old 04-13-2009, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by JRiverMartin View Post
None of the advocates for the idea of a national coming out day for polyamorists are saying either that there is a need for "A Stance" of the sort which worries you, nor do they want to make any demands.
I appreciate that - and I suppose I'm saying: it's a slippery slope, it's as well to be aware that the slope is there to be slipped on. As a refugee from such slopes, I acknowledge that I'm a little hypercautious.

I hope that the proposed day keeps its open dimension and has a positive effect.

Last edited by yoxi; 04-13-2009 at 07:51 AM.
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  #16  
Old 04-13-2009, 02:01 PM
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Alan7388 Alan7388 is offline
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James,

You'll never get everyone to agree no matter what you propose. So don't try. You get a good idea, you run with it -- those who like it will join in, those who don't won't.

Best wishes. I'd love to see a movement get going among people who are ready to come out or be more out.
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  #17  
Old 04-13-2009, 04:45 PM
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Alan,

First, because you say "you'll...", I want to insist that I'm nothing more than one voice among many in this discussion. It isn't my idea or my project.

Second, I think it is important that anyone who may be affected by the decision as to whether--and how--to go ahead with the idea should be listened to empathetically. It would not be right for a certain faction to go about creating a large-scale event of this sort without having listened to those who are disinclined to do so, or who urge various sorts of caution in how to proceed.
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  #18  
Old 04-13-2009, 08:17 PM
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Alan7388 Alan7388 is offline
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Quote:
I think it is important that anyone who may be affected by the decision as to whether--and how--to go ahead with the idea should be listened to empathetically.
Yes, this is important, and good ideas and course-corrections may come of it. I'm just saying don't get discouraged if some people like the idea of a coming-out day and others don't.

Many gays were (and are) glad to stay closeted. Fine for them. But before Stonewall, some argued that attracting any more attention to homosexuals' existence would only make things worse. I think history has passed its judgment on that viewpoint.
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  #19  
Old 04-13-2009, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Alan7388 View Post
Many gays were (and are) glad to stay closeted. Fine for them. But before Stonewall, some argued that attracting any more attention to homosexuals' existence would only make things worse. I think history has passed its judgment on that viewpoint.
Alan,

This is a very good point well made. Certainly things have improved tremendously for gay people since Stonewall and the massive amount of coming out which it inspired. Therefore, anyone wanting to say that an active and public coming out of poly-folk will cause more harm than good will need to explain why this should be the case with poly-folk while it was not the case with gay people.
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  #20  
Old 05-07-2009, 05:04 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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Poly Coming Out Day?!?!

well, it sounds wonderful, would be great to let all those others out there whom still don't know how they feel is okay and what they want is okay, know that more of us are out here and encourage them.

but I can easily see where no one really wants to be made a spectacle of, nor would it feel good to be ht eonly ones standing up in a room full of thousands of people whom are all sitting down.

still, there must be a way to let others know its okay to love differently, theres nothing wring with that and their not deviants for feeling that way, and they are not the only ones who feel that way. its so confusing and lonely when you think its just you and no one feels the same or would understand what you want.

I hear how things could go badly and I don't particularly relish being in the spotlight, but if it helps others know they are not alone and they are not "wrong" or "bad" because they simply do love more then one or want to, then I'll be uncomfortable for a small amount of time, because I was once that sad, scared, lonely soul who was afraid to even admit to myself let alone others what I wanted, and I don't want others to be stuck in that lost and scared place.

Maybe a compromise? something smallish to basically say, "yes, we're here, we love more then one and your judgements won't change that" without putting all the spotlights on it?!

if we could all just love openly, not full on making out in public but you know i want to be out where ever and feel free to kiss my husband, my gf or my bf or one right after the other and not feel like a spectacle. i want the little ones im helping to raise to know when they are all grown then gave love whomever and however many they want as long as all involved are consenting and not feel weird or bad or wrong for loving that way. why can't it just be that easy?!?!
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