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  #21  
Old 04-19-2011, 09:37 PM
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And the more I've been exploring my interests and allowing myself to be what I want to be, I'm starting to find myself a lot more like-able.

So, my social life has positively exploded since this weekend. I have a sushi date on Saturday, coffee on friday and negotiations to do some wax play at some point in the near future. I feel like men are knocking down my door to hang out with me/play with me (BDSM sense). I'm so not used to this.
Aha, the feeling of 'where are all these people coming from? I never used to be a popular girl' can be somewhat overwhelming. And I think it's a good sign of you finally starting to heal from your relationship with O.

Why is primary terrifying?

Power hugs to prepare you for your encounter with him coming your way! Rant all you need before, during and after. Is there a safe person you could take with you to face him?
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  #22  
Old 04-21-2011, 07:12 PM
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Well, primary is scary because it's like being in a spot light. There's a different level of involvement and responsibility. And, I guess the feeling of not being worthy of being some one's primary. I've never been in a primary relationship. I have issues with feeling like I don't deserve love and whatnot. Or like anyone would bother to care that much about me.

Yesterday, I met with my therapist and we started talking about my anxiety with going on dates. It's pretty intense and goes beyond the typical, eek a date!. I've been trying to get to the bottom of it for a long time with no success. But FINALLY, we figured out the connection. My parents were/are? emotionally abusive and anytime my sister or I would attempt to bring issues to the table, they would be like, but we spend all this money on you guys, how could you say we're not good parents, blah, blah, blah. So, I've got this construct in my head where, if someone spends money on me, I feel obligated to do whatever they want or feel how they expect me to feel, whether or not I want to.

So, we spend lots of money on you, so we can abuse and torment you for years on end. But you'd better act like it's okay and we're great parents. Put on a good show.

Or

I bought you dinner, so you have to make out with me.

Not really a healthy way to be. I try and respect other people's boundaries and I need to do a better job of expecting people to respect mine. It's like I believe I can only do one or the other. Like if I'm asking people to respect me, I'm somehow not respecting them. I know this is something a lot people struggle with. But I'm feeling like I want to give this issue priority.

On a more positive note, I had a super awesome dream recently.

I was being chased by people trying to capture/kill me, as I often am. I took off running into the forest and for the first time I can remember, I was actually able to run! Typically, I cant run very well in my dreams. Like I'm running through water. So, off I ran and eventually, I came to a teetering cliff with a large lake below. I dove into the water and at the bottom, there was a keeper of the bodies (apparently a lot of deaths?) and he made a deal with me that he would take another body and pass it off as mine when the men came. Since bodies that have been in water awhile aren't very recognizable and all... then he gave me a boat and showed me a secret underground river. So, I escaped and lived happily ever after.
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  #23  
Old 04-21-2011, 07:24 PM
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God I can understand that anxiety!

I really hate the feeling that I "owe" someone because they took me out. LAME!

And,
it does happen a lot.

I think it's awesome that you are working through that anxiety!

Sounds like you are really throwing yourself forward in life and I admire that!
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  #24  
Old 04-21-2011, 09:17 PM
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Do you have a good friend that could text you a little reminder or words of encouragement while you are out on a date that might help ease your anxiety?
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  #25  
Old 04-22-2011, 10:18 AM
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Well that is an awesome dream! Sounds like a science fiction short story. I love dreams that actually have a plot.

I don't allow anyone to treat to me to anything on a first date. It's a silly rule but I keep to it. If they want to go to a place I can't afford I say so and suggest something in my price range.

I also don't go on first dates where they agree to pick me up and drive me home. I also always make sure I have enough money for a taxi should it come to it.

Just basic safety stuff, but so far I haven't had negative experiences. Also having a time-line for a date might help, and keeping it public, like 'We are going to have a coffee in the middle of the day in a coffee house, and after two hours I will go meet another friend, and I let them know the date won't continue indefinitely'. So there is less 'What will happen later, do they expect things to get physical?' anxiety.
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  #26  
Old 04-24-2011, 03:05 PM
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Thanks, LR, I'm definitely trying. I feel like I'm making real progress these days. Rather than just talking myself in circles. My current therapist has been really helpful in putting me on a path towards self-sufficiency.

@ SN - I really like your idea, unfortunately, I only have texting on my Ipod touch, so unless I've got a wireless network, I can't access it. Luckily, I did okay without it this time.

Thanks BlackUnicorn! I have lots of cool dreams and they tend to read like little mini short stories. I like your rules about first dates. If I were in a better financial situation, I might consider instituting that for myself. Sounds like it eliminates some of the negative situations that can arise. I've also worked with my therapist this last week on channeling the part of me that can say no and stick up for what's good for me.

So, this weekend went better than I thought it might overall. On Friday I went to a Global Health conference. It was pretty fabulous and I definitely learned a lot. Awkwardly, my ex's wife's brother's girlfriend's brother showed up. And he always hits on me. But oh well.

Then, I had a coffee meet-up schedule with someone from the BDSM scene. I really enjoyed hanging out with him. We had beverages, then went on a walk, then went for food. After we get to know each other a bit more, I think we could make excellent play partners. He was really great about moving at a normal pace. Seemed to value getting to know me as a person before attempting to be like let's go do this or that.

Saturday morning was the definite low point of the weekend. There was a belt test for two of my friends and I decided to go. Of course, O was there. Two of my friends that know were there as well, so I was glad to have them on hand. O and I just didn't interact but it was really, really hard to see him. I had to get up and leave the room for part of the test. Then, after the test was over, I almost lost it in front of every one, so I left the room again and when I came back, Connor took me home. Then I had a test to take but I was alternating between reading the material and sobbing hysterically, so it was an interesting afternoon. By the end of that, I was feeling pretty drained and grumpy.

Then, I had my date with T. I really wasn't feeling it before he came to pick me up. We went for sushi and we had a decent time. I cheered up a bit. Then, we decided to go to a movie. It was one on my list I'd wanted to see, Hanna. Then, we just hung out and talked for a bit. He was very gentlemanly and it felt nice to go on a date, have some one pay for it and not feel like I needed to whore myself out to make up for it. I ended up having a perfectly nice time. It was laid back and fun.

Today is Easter, so Happy Easter to all who celebrate it. I'll be going to church, then Connor is having a dinner. I also have a paper to write, eek!
I can't wait until I'm done with finals. It'll be such a relief.
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  #27  
Old 04-25-2011, 07:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
Yesterday, I met with my therapist and we started talking about my anxiety with going on dates. It's pretty intense and goes beyond the typical, eek a date! . . . I've got this construct in my head where, if someone spends money on me, I feel obligated to do whatever they want or feel how they expect me to feel, whether or not I want to. . . . I bought you dinner, so you have to make out with me.
Go dutch!

And good luck finding a guy who still treats a woman to dinner anyway! Since returning to dating after my marriage ended, I haven't met one! It seem everyone goes dutch these days. Men don't even buy me drinks at a bar anymore.
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  #28  
Old 04-25-2011, 09:44 AM
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It is the recession, I fear .
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  #29  
Old 04-25-2011, 03:35 PM
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I guess I got lucky then! T paid for dinner and movie. And no obligation. Even luckier for me! Yeah, I like the idea of going dutch but I'm super poor, so I'd never really be able to go out. Or we'd end up at McDonald's. I'm trying to reprogram my brain so that I do feel comfortable simply saying "no, I'm not ready to do that with you" or what have you. It didn't hurt that T appears to be a decent human being. I don't think I'm going to be getting in a relationship with any one soon. Besides, I've been pining over F, the guy I occasionally box with. Unfortunately, I don't think he's really interested in me.
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  #30  
Old 04-25-2011, 03:39 PM
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I had the weirdest dream where Sweetheart and I were having sex in an unheated sauna (of all places! Flattie for reasons known only to dream logic was also in attendance but not an active participant) and he kept on pressing that we can't use condoms because he can't come with them! And the dream me went along with it, and was later super-anxious over being pregnant/having a disease.

It weirds me out having to do assertiveness training in my dreams.
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