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  #71  
Old 04-20-2011, 07:17 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Am I rambling? Disregard if I am.
Gotcha ... Thought you were disagreeing with me in your post before, but you were voicing my same thoughts!
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  #72  
Old 04-20-2011, 07:55 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Also, I am inclined to think "I choose the person who is not making me choose". As in, I choose the freedom to choose, if that makes sense.
THIS has been a LONG standing rule in my life-since grade school when kids do the "if you are going to be MY friend then you can't be HER friend" bullshit.

Whoever decides that they want to have a power-control relationship with me... loses.
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  #73  
Old 04-20-2011, 08:04 PM
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I've been in enough mono relationships to know that I am not a monogamous person. I will either cheat, or break up with the person to pursue other interests. The heartache of leaving a love who forces me to choose or says they can't be with me if I'm poly is nothing compared to the heartache I know I will eventually inflict on them if I allow myself to try and be something I'm not.
This, this, this. God I wish I could have coined that paragraph years ago!!

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Originally Posted by rory View Post
I am definitely prepared to do very much to find solutions that work for everybody, and taking my partners' wishes into account. But that does stand for all the people I am in a relationship with, not only "the one that came first".
AND HERE IN LIES the reason for crisis in my current dynamic.
I didn't play the game in the "proper order" or by the "proper rules" and I fully admit that.

BUT-this far into the dynamic-the bottom line is that EVERY PERSON IN THE FAMILY has been a SIGNIFICANT part of the family for over 10 years. Therefore, EVERY PERSONS needs/feelings etc have equal importance to me.

That is evidently a VERY difficult idea based on "common culture", but it's the reality for me....
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  #74  
Old 04-21-2011, 09:02 AM
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rory rory is offline
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^For me too. The same thing applies for friends as well, although there is of course usually less conflict between friends' than partners' needs.

For me, it means that I treat the people in my life with the same respect I expect for myself. I definitely would not accept my needs or feelings to be cast aside by my friend or partner just because they conflict with their "primary" partner's.
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  #75  
Old 04-21-2011, 07:27 PM
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^For me too. The same thing applies for friends as well, although there is of course usually less conflict between friends' than partners' needs.

For me, it means that I treat the people in my life with the same respect I expect for myself. I definitely would not accept my needs or feelings to be cast aside by my friend or partner just because they conflict with their "primary" partner's.
I think that is one of my primary issues with HAVING a "primary" relationship. (Yes, I do have one, but it's been a struggle).

I really don't think that being married, or a committed lover or whatever suddenly means that you are "more important" than anyone else in my life.. (same vice versa).

I think that most people do believe that though.....

I wonder if that's part of why I get so frustrated with relationships in general? I feel like people just want to be "#1" in my life while I don't have a "#1".....
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  #76  
Old 04-23-2011, 06:21 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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I think that is one of my primary issues with HAVING a "primary" relationship. (Yes, I do have one, but it's been a struggle).

I really don't think that being married, or a committed lover or whatever suddenly means that you are "more important" than anyone else in my life.. (same vice versa).

I think that most people do believe that though.....

I wonder if that's part of why I get so frustrated with relationships in general? I feel like people just want to be "#1" in my life while I don't have a "#1".....
And to further that...in seeking a #1 I kind of always feel/felt disappointed so why do we seek it?!

Not that people aren't important but jeez I have to be my own #1 if I want to find happiness and not worry or continuously be disappointed. We are all human. It is inevitable that I will let my loved ones down from time to time, and them me.
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  #77  
Old 12-18-2011, 12:52 AM
zylya zylya is offline
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Default Interesting PoV on Veto

http://www.scarletletters.com/current/021403_nf_rk.html

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Part of real love is being able to say to your lover, "I trust you with control over who I sleep with, because I trust you to make your decision based not on your own insecurities but on a real consideration of my needs, wishes, and safety." If you do not have this level of trust in them, you need to pull back from polyamorous adventures and work on trust-building within the relationship.
I've always been against the veto since I don't agree with an outside party being able to end a relationship, but I thought this was an interesting point of view - the idea that you trust someone enough to make the right decision by you instead of the right one for them. I'm still not sure I'd feel entirely comfortable giving someone that power thought. Thoughts?
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  #78  
Old 12-18-2011, 02:48 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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So, if you build a strong partnership with a new lover, at what point do they get the right to veto the old partner? If they don't have that right is it not "real love"?
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  #79  
Old 12-18-2011, 03:02 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Ah, ok, actually read the article. They have a strict primary/secondary hierarchy that is not open to the possibility of another partner every becoming co-primary, and the female partner is only allowed to have piv intercourse with her male primary partner. I'm glad it works for them, though it wouldn't for me.

I do appreciate that if one of them wants to veto a long-standing lover argument is allowed and consensus must be reached.

But goddamn I resent the wording in the first sentence of the bit you quoted above, as it clearly implies that a secondary partner, who does not get veto power, is not participating in "real love."

Fuck. That. Shit.
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  #80  
Old 12-18-2011, 07:43 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I have veto power over my husband's fuck buddies, and if my husband ever said he had really bad vibes about someone I was seeing, I would seriously consider his opinion. He has a really good sense of people but an occasional miss when it comes to ethics.

The examples: He met this girl online once, she wanted to experience SM play and he was looking for a toy. But she was married, not willing to talk to her vanilla husband about her desires, and I thought that was risky. Even with ethics aside, I was worried that Big Mean Husband might find out one day and come beat my husband up or something. I strongly discouraged him from playing with her, and recommended he suggest to her that she talk to her husband about what she wants.

Meanwhile, my besty had this boyfriend who's a real piece of work. Lazy, manipulative, emotionally abusive, the whole bit. My husband hated him from the first time he met the guy, whereas I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because my friend was into him. Well, turns out my husband was 100% right, he really screwed her over, and left her with two more kids than when they met. He doesn't contribute anything financially, in fact used to eat her out of house and home when they were together and often made it difficult for her to feed her own kids. So if I would have listened better to my husband, maybe I could have helped her see the damage he was doing before it was too late. Or maybe not, but I'll never know.

So from those two examples, I'd say we're both good at seeing problematic situations, but both lose sight of that when we're personally involved. So if either one of use said "hey, this person looks like bad news" then I think we would both listen... But I also don't see this as "veto" power so much as "listening to the advice of someone whose wisdom you trust." Also, it's not so much about ending a relationship after it has already begun, but rather heading off a potential blow-up before it begins. Prevention is the best medicine!

p.s. I didn't read the article.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 12-18-2011 at 07:48 AM.
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agreements, contracts, control issues, envy, jealous, jealousy, metamour concerns, new to poly, nre, relationship dynamics, relationship issues, secondaries, secondary, sex, veto, veto policy, veto power, vetos

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