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  #11  
Old 04-19-2011, 12:00 PM
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I am fascinated by and grateful for my experiences of jealousy. They have indeed provided huge opportunities for growth, and have helped me create wonderful relationships because of the insights my struggles with jealousy have given me. No pain, no gain!

So, while I'm not sure if I "love" jealousy, I do appreciate its silver lining.
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  #12  
Old 04-19-2011, 10:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Jealousy is fascinating because it totally defies logic and sneaks up on you out of nowhere sometimes.
more true words have never been spoken
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  #13  
Old 04-20-2011, 02:42 AM
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I was thinking on jealousy today in terms of a partner who has loves in their lives and one of them doesn't. That love goes out into the dating world and comes upon someone they really connect with. The experience creates jealousy in the love that already has several partners (this is like my tribe in terms of me and PN, but not necessarily us at the moment... has been in the past though ).

It seems hypocritical no? To be jealous, yet already have all your need met in terms of partners? Yet everyone experiences jealousy in their own way and all peoples emotions are valid. I told Leo this and he was frustrated with this whole thing, because his wife has been like that with us. She has had loves twice that have come to fruition and ended in their time, yet she is jealous of our situation (or something about it) and has been of past women he has been close to...

I guess for me, hearing other peoples experiences with it has really made me realize that my feelings are valid when I know PN is finding new love in another. It makes me feel more sane, more accepting of myself and helps me feel more that I belong and am not crazy. I get jealous, its a fact, it might not seem rational, but there is a reason and I will find it... I might need some help with that sometimes. Is jealousy ever rational though,,, if you think about it?

Jealousy is a huge one for me and almost entirely about a sense of belonging. I have huge abandonment issues that I think will likely haunt me until my dying day, but having to deal with jealousy and walking myself through it has made me have a love/hate relationship with it. If I could control when I have to go through that feeling, like if someone told me I have to go through it 3 times a year and get to pick when, that would lead me closer to... well... tolerance of jealousy.
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  #14  
Old 04-20-2011, 05:26 PM
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This is a useful discussion for me right now. My Husband has recently started dating someone new. I am happy on many levels for this. It is the first time in our relationship that he has been with another woman and I am feeling some feelings. I don't know if I would call them jealousy per say, but its as good a word as any. The thing that has been hard is that he is dating a good friend of mine and she is completely new to poly. She has pulled away from me and I am mostly having feelings of loss over that. I am positive we will work it out but it is sad to me that internalized sexism allows women to choose a man over a close female relationship. I had a great talk with my boyfriend last night and he said something that really gave me a great shift in how I was feeling. (I should note that any feelings I have had have been quickly followed by excitement and love for this newness) He said if he breathes the air it does not take away air from anyone else. I have heard this type of thing in said before, the timing was perfect. There is a wonderful book called "The nibble theory and the kernel of power" by Kaleel Jamison. which talks about a candle being lit and that it only adds to the light when you use your candle to lite another, it does not take any thing away from the original candle. This is more than I had intended to write. thanks for reading.

Last edited by blackbirdsings; 04-20-2011 at 05:28 PM.
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  #15  
Old 04-20-2011, 10:15 PM
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While I don't think jealousy, per se, is at all inevitable for me, I do think I might possibly experience some insecurity if my partner fell in love with someone else and they spent a great deal of time together. Especially if I didn't have another with whom to spend a similar kind of time. The insecurity would be in the form of a question -- "Is he going to stick with me?". But I'm pretty sure he would.
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Old 04-20-2011, 10:35 PM
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Quote:
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Especially if I didn't have another with whom to spend a similar kind of time.
ooh yowch. I don't see my boyfriend as often as I would like to, but I do not think of my husband as a surrogate just because he's more accessible.
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Old 04-21-2011, 01:02 AM
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NeonKaos,

Nothing I said had anything at all to do with thinking or treating anyone as a "surrogate", nor was it an occasion for a "ooh yowch". What I said was that if my partner of 15 years had another boyfriend and spent a great deal of time with him, I'd have to fill some of the time that I've been spending with him, and doing so (under such circumstances) would likely go smoother for me if I also had another boyfriend.

The underlying question had to do with the distinction between jealousy, per se, and insecurity. As I said, I don't find myself particularly prone to jealousy, but that some kind of insecurity might arise. That's called being honest. It's not called waiting for the Real Mr. Right to show up whilst I treat my partner as a "surrogate" for Mr. Right.
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  #18  
Old 04-21-2011, 01:13 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Sorry river, maybe not for you, but I've seen people come on here like they're trying to keep score or fret about their partner having more luck finding dates than they do.
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  #19  
Old 04-21-2011, 01:44 AM
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Apology accepted.

One thing I've been learning about in very recent years--which is blowing my mind--is how unique and individual so many people are. I had no idea!

Keep this in mind next time you want to say "but I've seen people come in here like...".

It's hard just with the written word to address this stuff, concisely. Just know I ain't shaking my finger at you when I say what I say above. We're all learning if we're paying attention. Ain't none of us got it all figured out.
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  #20  
Old 04-21-2011, 12:13 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I wasn't apologizing TO you, it was more of a "sorry-if-you-were-offended-but" kind of sorry, not a "i-realize-i-was-wrong-and-take-it-back" kind of sorry.

I already know that everyone is "unique and individual". In fact, we are all "so unique and individual" that we are not really that "unique" at all.

But that's getting way off-topic, ain't it?

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-21-2011 at 12:19 PM.
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