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Old 09-27-2009, 04:25 PM
Chase Chase is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 4
Default Chicken and egg problem

Hi. I'm new here, just registered.

So, I think I need help. And I think this might be the best place to ask.

I've been with my current girlfriend for over 3 years now. I love her, she loves me. So far so good.

I had read about polyamory a few years ago, thought it was a nice idea, and left it sit on a shelf. Then, a few months ago, a good friend of mine brought the subject, and i told him that I had always felt that monogamy was something I didn't fit it. I love my girlfriend, but keep beeing attracted to other girls.

Anyway after reading quite a lot about it, I introduced the whole idea of poly to my girlfriend. It wasn't easy, a few tears where shed but we talked, and talked, and talked some more. And then we talked again, and came to an agreement that both of us were free to do what they wanted provided they didn't hurt the other one.

And, this being agreed, nothing happened about it.

Now, this is where it's starts getting messy.

She recently moved quite far away (a day or so worth of travel). She'll be staying there a few years, and I probably will go and join her there once I'm done with college. We're keeping in touch with IM, and are going to physically meet once a month or less until then.

I recently re-discovered a girl I knew. I've known her for a few years now, but she only recently attracted my attention. She's cute, fun, and we share quite a few interests. Long story short, I'd like her to become my "secondary" girlfriend.

The question is : how do I do that ? Seriously ?
She knows I already have a girlfriend who's far away.


If I go and tell her straight forward that I have a girlfriend, that we have an "unusual" relationship, and that I would like to start and build something new with her, I feel like it would blow everything. From my (little) experience, going to a girl saying "hey, wanna be my girlfriend ?" never works. Let alone if it's on complex terms.

On the other hand, if I wait until we get together to explain to her that I still love my girlfriend, I fear she would feel betrayed. Or at least I would if that happened to me.

Basically, it seems like starting a poly relationship with someone new to it has two levels of complexity :
- make that person be willing to start a romantic relationship with you
- make that person accept the idea of polyamory

I suppose some of you have some experience on that matter. In what order should I tackle these two obstacles ? Gain her trust, see how she reacts to the idea of poly, and finally seduce her ? Or try to seduce her, and then explain that I'm willing to build with her, but under specific conditions ?
In the latter case, won't the fact she knows I have a girlfriend keep her from ... Well, you get the point. This looks like an egg and chicken problem to me, and I've no idea how to start.

Also, since I'm posting, does anyone have feedback on long-distance + poly relationships ? I can handle long-distance (I have before), but is poly something that increases the chances of everything blowing up, and if so, how do I make sure it doesn't ?
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