so confused...need to talk to someone with experience

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by tercera

Is it worth losing everything because there are things I don´t like?

I've found that if I can't accept that I might end up alone, then I'm not ready for a new relationship. It's only when I know I can be happy alone that I'm in shape for a relationship.

Those things you don't like can lead to the end of the relationship down the road AFTER you've invested more time and energy in it. That's a harder landing than if it ends in the initial stages.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

. . . if I can't accept that I might end up alone, then I'm not ready for a new relationship. It's only when I know I can be happy alone that I'm in shape for a relationship.

This is brilliant! Loved reading this, thank you!

[tercera]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

i hope you can find what you need and deserve in a partner or partners. It's hard enough when you're getting to know one new person at a time, but it must be even more so when there is a pre-existing couple dynamic to navigate in addition to the two new individuals. Wouldn't know personally, as I have never dated a couple or dated as part of a couple. I don't think it's worth it unless the couple really really has their shit together, and even then, one at a time is more than enough for me. I guess I'm just old-fashioned, LOL.

Yes, I think what I´m finding more difficult is trying to understand their dynamics. I wish they couls just establish a new dinamic with me. I really think they are worth it, but let´s see hiw things go.

[tercera]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

A couple of potential points here. One you can live without her and two being empty can be expected. These are human results. Allows your self to love but not be dependent. Imagine the pressure you are putting on the person you love.
I know I can live with her. I just feel I can´t. It´s spo stupid, since I have been living without her for 30 years.
I have thought about the pressure I might be putting on her, even though I haven´t told her these. It´s one of the things that make me feel very guilty

Bingo. Exactly what that exercise is supposed to help with. So now you know the root of why you feel insecure. You need to figure out how you fit, why you fit, and why she is in a relationship with you. That will go a long way to giving you confidence in the relationship...
I´m really excited about thinking this through and trying to understand these things...

Confidence will keep building on itself. Accept the fact that these things happen and you have to learn to deal with them. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way.
I loved these. Thank you so mucgh

Now I know I sound all calm and collected about this. But it happens to me too. I can go months feeling great and then have a downturn of insecurity.
Well, I can´t go months feeling great, but I have my ups and downs too. yesterday, I felt so insecur and scared. I was finally able to forget everything, and go on with my life. It was a much better day than I expected, and I feel so proud! I feel so strong! I really feel if things tirn out badly, I´ll feel very sad, but I won´t feel completely lost. I´m actually very happy about that. Let´s see how thing go later today
Thank you so much for your help

Ari

I really want to thank everyone that has helped me through this. I´m going to see her today and talk to her. I feel so much stronger. I don´t feel so alone and everything you have told me has helped me a lot. Thank you so much

[tercera]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

I've found that if I can't accept that I might end up alone, then I'm not ready for a new relationship. It's only when I know I can be happy alone that I'm in shape for a relationship.

Those things you don't like can lead to the end of the relationship down the road AFTER you've invested more time and energy in it. That's a harder landing than if it ends in the initial stages.

I´ll try to think about that. I really don´t want to end this, but I know I have to talk about all this with them.
And as to being alone, I don´t know why i´m so scared, if I was alone for so long and didn´t even feel alone. I felt fine.

[redpepper]

Good luck. I'm rooting for you. You're doing the right thing by talking openly.

[Ariakas]

Good luck. I'm rooting for you. You're doing the right thing by talking openly.

Ditto .. (that may be my shortest post ever)

[Carma]

While I think the three of you have great potential for a successful, loving triad, I also see great risk to you, of becoming grossly co-dependant on these people. That is not fair to them or to you, and it is not loving. If you really want to have a healthy relationship with them, you owe it to them and to yourself to deal with your depression and get ahold of this desperate neediness you seem to be experiencing. No one (or two!) can fill that for you, and it will only lead to frustration for everyone. Do not look to this 3-way relationship to solve all your problems! I have been extremely lonely too but I know if I depend on someone else to rescue me from that, I am going to be "too much" for them. Make some more new friends! Let these lovers be the proof you need, that you ARE lovable, and put yourself out there again, for friendships. I think the more you broaden your social circle, the more special this triad will be for you. And -- the less fearful you will be of it ending.

Ugh, I hate to sound negative, when I really see a lot of good potential for you 3! But as a recovering co-dependant myself, I felt I had to speak up. Best wishes, and welcome to the forum.

[tercera]

Originally Posted by Carma

While I think the three of you have great potential for a successful, loving triad, I also see great risk to you, of becoming grossly co-dependant on these people. That is not fair to them or to you, and it is not loving. If you really want to have a healthy relationship with them, you owe it to them and to yourself to deal with your depression and get ahold of this desperate neediness you seem to be experiencing. No one (or two!) can fill that for you, and it will only lead to frustration for everyone. Do not look to this 3-way relationship to solve all your problems! I have been extremely lonely too but I know if I depend on someone else to rescue me from that, I am going to be "too much" for them. Make some more new friends! Let these lovers be the proof you need, that you ARE lovable, and put yourself out there again, for friendships. I think the more you broaden your social circle, the more special this triad will be for you. And -- the less fearful you will be of it ending.

Ugh, I hate to sound negative, when I really see a lot of good potential for you 3! But as a recovering co-dependant myself, I felt I had to speak up. Best wishes, and welcome to the forum.

Well, I really appreciate your response. I AM very aware of these things. I am also actively doing something about my depression, and I know it´s in my hands to feel well. What worries me is that I hadn´t had a single crisis in over 2 years, and since december, I have had several.
I know I have to broaden my circle, I just don´t know how. I have been slowly improving, and I hope to be able to do so soon.
I know no one want to be with this clingy insecure woman, and I really am not that person anymore. It´s just that this situation makes me feel so insecure and fearful, and I have to do a concious effort to not go back to what I did before.

[tercera]

Update...
I talked to her. I told her what I felt, that I wanted to tell him everything, I told her my fears and I told her I feel a lot of pressure. I also told her I didn´t feel I could go on like this very long.
She told me she doesn´t want to change anhything. She doesn´t want to tell him, and she says she can´t do anything more. She says she understands what I feel, but she just can´t change anything. She says it´s not in her hands.
She says she doesn´t want to lose me, and she loves me very much, but she can´t do anything to change this situation.
Well, at least I´ve got clarity now. I now what I can and can´t expect.
Several things happened that made me realize my place in this relationship. We were in bed, just cuddling. Her phone rang...it was her husband. She wanted to take the call, but was afraid my dogs would bark (I have a lot of dogs). So, she asked me to go to the bathroom and lock myself there with my dogs, to make sure they didn´t bark. I felt so stupid! Locked in the bathroom, nude, trying to make the dogs not bark, instead of being able to just be in bed with my girlfriend. I DON¨T want to be in that position ever again, and I don´t think this relationship will ever give me something different.
So, I have been thinking a lot, and I feel a lot calmer. yesterday was a sad and difficult day, because I realized I don´t want to be in this place anymore.
I´m ready to let them go. I really love them, and I would love to be with them, but I can´t do everything alone. I feel as if everything was up to me. I´m the one that has got to adapt to every situation, make all the changes, talk about how I feel, etc. I can´t do it. If they aren´t willing to change things to include me, I can´t do anything about that.
So, I´m just talking things slowly. I´m doing what I need to do to feel well. I´m not going to continue to do heroic things to maintain something that is about to collapse.
I think maybe if I let things go, I will be able to recover at least part of the relationship. At least, I won´t feel so much pressure, and I´m sure I will be recovering MYSELF.
I don´t feel it´s fair to keep asking myself to make an extra effort, to swallow things, to not feel guilty or insecure or sad, when they aren´t really doing anything to build this relationship.
I think the relationship will just extinguish itself. But, I might be suprised, and they might just realize I´m not willing to take this place again. Let´s see...
I´m on my way now to see both of them. I´m a teacher and we are going to have the first class since she discovered what had happened between him and me. I´m scared and so tired. i hope the class goes well.
I also hope I have the lucidity to remember all that I have said here.