so confused...need to talk to someone with experience

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by tercera

Oh! I´m having second thoughts! What if he feels so angry and betrayed I end up losing both of them? What if we try to open our relationships, it doesn´t work out, and they drift apart as a couple? I don´t want to do that to them!
I´m so scared!
Anyone? Please?

Or they could be over joyed and both embrace you. You just won't know until you do it. If nothing else you will likely feel much better about being open and the result sounds very promising to me.

[tercera]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Or they could be over joyed and both embrace you. You just won't know until you do it. If nothing else you will likely feel much better about being open and the result sounds very promising to me.

I hope your right! I hope we get to talk all these fears together.
Tomorrow is their anniversary.I feel so strange. I feel jealous and I don´t know why I feel that, if I really want them to have a nice relationship.
We agreed we won´t call or text or have any form of contact tomorrow. I feel angry and jealous, but I don´t know why.
I also feel so insecure! What if they decide they don´t need me?
When she discovered what he had been doing with me, she confronted him. Since then, they haven´t had sex together. She has had sex with me, and he has kissed me (nothing more). I´m so scared they will have sex tomorrow, realize their "mistake" and stop loving me! I have talked these fears with her. I have told her how I feel . She assures me that won´t happen, she assures me she won´t stop loving me and she assures me she isn´t with me as a substitute of being with him. But I still feel very insecure. Why? Why do I feel this? how can I believe what she tells me?
I would just want for tomorrow to not exist. It´s so painful. I wish I could just sleep all day and wake up on thursday

[Ariakas]

Only you can answer why you are insecure. The easy answer is you should trust what they say. But that isn't always in the cards, unfortunately insecurity is a powerful thing which can spin in on itself.

There are lots of exercises in confronting your insecurity. The gist of almost all of them is to ask yourself questions

What is your insecurity? Exactly.. Scared of losing, scared of being dumped, etc
What is the absolute worst case scenario of what can happen?
What do the objects of your insecurity say (aka the peope you are involved with)
In the case of relationships, what do you bring to the table that makes this relationship what it is?
What are the positives of being you?

Ideally this allows you to drag the insecurity out, look at it, beat it up and then live with it. Understanding insecurities rarely disappear, but learning how to cope.

There is a potential last part. On Thursday when their anniversary is done, write down the truth of what happened and compare it. Let's you, in the future see the reality of your worries vs the fantasy.

Best of luck..

[dragonflysky]

I can see where it would be hard to believe what she tells you since she and her husband aren't honest with one another. I think this would also add to a sense of insecurity on your part. I'm having a difficult time seeing where either one of them is really taking what you want and need into consideration. They seem pretty self centered in many ways in spite of their desires to be in a loving relationship with you.

[tercera]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

What is your insecurity? Exactly.. Scared of losing, scared of being dumped, etc
What is the absolute worst case scenario of what can happen?
What do the objects of your insecurity say (aka the peope you are involved with)
In the case of relationships, what do you bring to the table that makes this relationship what it is?
What are the positives of being you?

Ideally this allows you to drag the insecurity out, look at it, beat it up and then live with it. Understanding insecurities rarely disappear, but learning how to cope.

There is a potential last part. On Thursday when their anniversary is done, write down the truth of what happened and compare it. Let's you, in the future see the reality of your worries vs the fantasy.

Best of luck..

Thank you so much for your response. They helped me a lot in trying to confront my insecurities. I now realize:
1) My biggest fear is being alone, again. I was alone for a very long time. Now I know what it is to have someone to talk to, to hug me, to phone me. I am sooooo scared of losing that. I don´t want to be alone again.
2)Worst case scenario is being alone AND depressing myself. I´m so scared of having a depressive crisis. I´m so scared i´m expecting too much from them and not being able to deal with reality.
3) At the moment, I can´t really picture my life without her. I just feel so empty when I imagine that
The most shocking thing I discovered is that I have no answers for your last 2 questions. I don´t know what I bring to the relationship, and I don´t know what the positives in me might be. I really don´t undestrand why two amazing persons woulod want to be with me. I guess that´s where my insecurity comes from. I can´t imagine them WANTING to be with me.
Today´s a BAD BAD day. But I will do this exercise you suggest. I will write what I feel now, and what I feel on thurday. Thank you so much for helping me find some answers

[tercera]

Originally Posted by dragonflysky

I can see where it would be hard to believe what she tells you since she and her husband aren't honest with one another. I think this would also add to a sense of insecurity on your part. I'm having a difficult time seeing where either one of them is really taking what you want and need into consideration. They seem pretty self centered in many ways in spite of their desires to be in a loving relationship with you.

That´s a huge part of it. It´s not so much that I think she´s lying to me. It´s that I think she´s lying to herself. I think she wants to believe all that she tells me, but i´m not sure she´ll be able to live with it. I feel she isn´t really chosing anything, and i´m just so scared she will suddenly decide to makke as if nothing ever happened.
And him, I just feel so strange. Last night he phoned me. He said he loved me, he wanted to be with me forever, he said if he was 10 years younger, he would want to live with me. But how can he be sincere and keep hiding everything? If he´s so good a liar to his wife, how can I know he´s being sincere and not saying that just to make me feel nice? I asked hiw what he was doing today, and he said "nothing special, I´m just going to work at home". I know that´s not true because she told me it´s their anniversary, and they had planned a special day together. So, how can I believe him? Why didn´t he tell me the truth? Is it just because he wanted to protect my feelings? I just wish he would tell me the truth, about everything.
And as to not being taken consideration of, that´s something really difficult to digest. It´s something I sometimes feel, but it´s not something I want to think. I feel very guilty about feeling that.

[NeonKaos]

I'm not sure why this is, but it's been my experience that some people do not consider it "lying" when they tell someone else something because they think it's what the other person wants to hear, as opposed to telling someone the truth even when it may not be the answer they would like to hear. It's their way of following the path of least resistance. Your couple sounds like this kind of modus has been working for them, but it doesn't seem to be working for you. You're gonna have to get them both together in the same room and say "Look, we need to talk about some things."

Remember - you can love someone, and be "in love" with them, and still not make good partners for each other.

[tercera]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

I'm not sure why this is, but it's been my experience that some people do not consider it "lying" when they tell someone else something because they think it's what the other person wants to hear, as opposed to telling someone the truth even when it may not be the answer they would like to hear. It's their way of following the path of least resistance. Your couple sounds like this kind of modus has been working for them, but it doesn't seem to be working for you. You're gonna have to get them both together in the same room and say "Look, we need to talk about some things."

Remember - you can love someone, and be "in love" with them, and still not make good partners for each other.

That´s a very precise descrption of what they do. I had never thought they might actually think that isn´t lying. That makes it a bit easier to understand.
I definitely need to talk a lot of thing to both of them. Together? I´m not sure. I´m trying to have the courage to do that.
I loved your point about being able to be in love with someone and still not make good partners. It gives me a lot to think about. Is these what I want in a partner? How can I decide if the nice things they give me are enough to "make up" for the not so nice things? How could I sacrifice all the good things? Is it worth losing everything because there are things I don´t like?
Today´s a day full of anger and sadness. i feel so guilty for having those feelings

[NeonKaos]

i hope you can find what you need and deserve in a partner or partners. It's hard enough when you're getting to know one new person at a time, but it must be even more so when there is a pre-existing couple dynamic to navigate in addition to the two new individuals. Wouldn't know personally, as I have never dated a couple or dated as part of a couple. I don't think it's worth it unless the couple really really has their shit together, and even then, one at a time is more than enough for me. I guess I'm just old-fashioned, LOL.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by tercera

Thank you so much for your response. They helped me a lot in trying to confront my insecurities. I now realize:
1) My biggest fear is being alone, again. I was alone for a very long time. Now I know what it is to have someone to talk to, to hug me, to phone me. I am sooooo scared of losing that. I don´t want to be alone again.
2)Worst case scenario is being alone AND depressing myself. I´m so scared of having a depressive crisis. I´m so scared i´m expecting too much from them and not being able to deal with reality.

Ok those are fair, especially in light of what you found out below about this. So I will continue below.

3) At the moment, I can´t really picture my life without her. I just feel so empty when I imagine that

A couple of potential points here. One you can live without her and two being empty can be expected. These are human results. Allows your self to love but not be dependent. Imagine the pressure you are putting on the person you love.

The most shocking thing I discovered is that I have no answers for your last 2 questions. I don´t know what I bring to the relationship, and I don´t know what the positives in me might be. I really don´t undestrand why two amazing persons woulod want to be with me. I guess that´s where my insecurity comes from. I can´t imagine them WANTING to be with me.

Bingo. Exactly what that exercise is supposed to help with. So now you know the root of why you feel insecure. You need to figure out how you fit, why you fit, and why she is in a relationship with you. That will go a long way to giving you confidence in the relationship...

Confidence will keep building on itself. Accept the fact that these things happen and you have to learn to deal with them. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way.

Now I know I sound all calm and collected about this. But it happens to me too. I can go months feeling great and then have a downturn of insecurity.

Best of luck. There are more detailed and less detailed exercises in helping you recognize why and where you might feel insecure. ... Google insecurty and you will find lots of different methods. This one just happens to work for me.

Ari