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  #11  
Old 04-20-2011, 03:03 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by tercera View Post
Oh! Iīm having second thoughts! What if he feels so angry and betrayed I end up losing both of them? What if we try to open our relationships, it doesnīt work out, and they drift apart as a couple? I donīt want to do that to them!
Iīm so scared!
Anyone? Please?
Or they could be over joyed and both embrace you. You just won't know until you do it. If nothing else you will likely feel much better about being open and the result sounds very promising to me.
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  #12  
Old 04-20-2011, 03:37 AM
tercera tercera is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Or they could be over joyed and both embrace you. You just won't know until you do it. If nothing else you will likely feel much better about being open and the result sounds very promising to me.
I hope your right! I hope we get to talk all these fears together.
Tomorrow is their anniversary.I feel so strange. I feel jealous and I donīt know why I feel that, if I really want them to have a nice relationship.
We agreed we wonīt call or text or have any form of contact tomorrow. I feel angry and jealous, but I donīt know why.
I also feel so insecure! What if they decide they donīt need me?
When she discovered what he had been doing with me, she confronted him. Since then, they havenīt had sex together. She has had sex with me, and he has kissed me (nothing more). Iīm so scared they will have sex tomorrow, realize their "mistake" and stop loving me! I have talked these fears with her. I have told her how I feel . She assures me that wonīt happen, she assures me she wonīt stop loving me and she assures me she isnīt with me as a substitute of being with him. But I still feel very insecure. Why? Why do I feel this? how can I believe what she tells me?
I would just want for tomorrow to not exist. Itīs so painful. I wish I could just sleep all day and wake up on thursday
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  #13  
Old 04-20-2011, 05:24 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Only you can answer why you are insecure. The easy answer is you should trust what they say. But that isn't always in the cards, unfortunately insecurity is a powerful thing which can spin in on itself.

There are lots of exercises in confronting your insecurity. The gist of almost all of them is to ask yourself questions

What is your insecurity? Exactly.. Scared of losing, scared of being dumped, etc
What is the absolute worst case scenario of what can happen?
What do the objects of your insecurity say (aka the peope you are involved with)
In the case of relationships, what do you bring to the table that makes this relationship what it is?
What are the positives of being you?

Ideally this allows you to drag the insecurity out, look at it, beat it up and then live with it. Understanding insecurities rarely disappear, but learning how to cope.

There is a potential last part. On Thursday when their anniversary is done, write down the truth of what happened and compare it. Let's you, in the future see the reality of your worries vs the fantasy.

Best of luck..

Last edited by Ariakas; 04-20-2011 at 05:26 AM.
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  #14  
Old 04-20-2011, 07:46 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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I can see where it would be hard to believe what she tells you since she and her husband aren't honest with one another. I think this would also add to a sense of insecurity on your part. I'm having a difficult time seeing where either one of them is really taking what you want and need into consideration. They seem pretty self centered in many ways in spite of their desires to be in a loving relationship with you.
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  #15  
Old 04-20-2011, 01:23 PM
tercera tercera is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post

What is your insecurity? Exactly.. Scared of losing, scared of being dumped, etc
What is the absolute worst case scenario of what can happen?
What do the objects of your insecurity say (aka the peope you are involved with)
In the case of relationships, what do you bring to the table that makes this relationship what it is?
What are the positives of being you?

Ideally this allows you to drag the insecurity out, look at it, beat it up and then live with it. Understanding insecurities rarely disappear, but learning how to cope.

There is a potential last part. On Thursday when their anniversary is done, write down the truth of what happened and compare it. Let's you, in the future see the reality of your worries vs the fantasy.

Best of luck..
Thank you so much for your response. They helped me a lot in trying to confront my insecurities. I now realize:
1) My biggest fear is being alone, again. I was alone for a very long time. Now I know what it is to have someone to talk to, to hug me, to phone me. I am sooooo scared of losing that. I donīt want to be alone again.
2)Worst case scenario is being alone AND depressing myself. Iīm so scared of having a depressive crisis. Iīm so scared iīm expecting too much from them and not being able to deal with reality.
3) At the moment, I canīt really picture my life without her. I just feel so empty when I imagine that
The most shocking thing I discovered is that I have no answers for your last 2 questions. I donīt know what I bring to the relationship, and I donīt know what the positives in me might be. I really donīt undestrand why two amazing persons woulod want to be with me. I guess thatīs where my insecurity comes from. I canīt imagine them WANTING to be with me.
Todayīs a BAD BAD day. But I will do this exercise you suggest. I will write what I feel now, and what I feel on thurday. Thank you so much for helping me find some answers
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  #16  
Old 04-20-2011, 01:42 PM
tercera tercera is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
I can see where it would be hard to believe what she tells you since she and her husband aren't honest with one another. I think this would also add to a sense of insecurity on your part. I'm having a difficult time seeing where either one of them is really taking what you want and need into consideration. They seem pretty self centered in many ways in spite of their desires to be in a loving relationship with you.
Thatīs a huge part of it. Itīs not so much that I think sheīs lying to me. Itīs that I think sheīs lying to herself. I think she wants to believe all that she tells me, but iīm not sure sheīll be able to live with it. I feel she isnīt really chosing anything, and iīm just so scared she will suddenly decide to makke as if nothing ever happened.
And him, I just feel so strange. Last night he phoned me. He said he loved me, he wanted to be with me forever, he said if he was 10 years younger, he would want to live with me. But how can he be sincere and keep hiding everything? If heīs so good a liar to his wife, how can I know heīs being sincere and not saying that just to make me feel nice? I asked hiw what he was doing today, and he said "nothing special, Iīm just going to work at home". I know thatīs not true because she told me itīs their anniversary, and they had planned a special day together. So, how can I believe him? Why didnīt he tell me the truth? Is it just because he wanted to protect my feelings? I just wish he would tell me the truth, about everything.
And as to not being taken consideration of, thatīs something really difficult to digest. Itīs something I sometimes feel, but itīs not something I want to think. I feel very guilty about feeling that.
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  #17  
Old 04-20-2011, 02:27 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I'm not sure why this is, but it's been my experience that some people do not consider it "lying" when they tell someone else something because they think it's what the other person wants to hear, as opposed to telling someone the truth even when it may not be the answer they would like to hear. It's their way of following the path of least resistance. Your couple sounds like this kind of modus has been working for them, but it doesn't seem to be working for you. You're gonna have to get them both together in the same room and say "Look, we need to talk about some things."

Remember - you can love someone, and be "in love" with them, and still not make good partners for each other.
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  #18  
Old 04-20-2011, 03:45 PM
tercera tercera is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I'm not sure why this is, but it's been my experience that some people do not consider it "lying" when they tell someone else something because they think it's what the other person wants to hear, as opposed to telling someone the truth even when it may not be the answer they would like to hear. It's their way of following the path of least resistance. Your couple sounds like this kind of modus has been working for them, but it doesn't seem to be working for you. You're gonna have to get them both together in the same room and say "Look, we need to talk about some things."

Remember - you can love someone, and be "in love" with them, and still not make good partners for each other.
Thatīs a very precise descrption of what they do. I had never thought they might actually think that isnīt lying. That makes it a bit easier to understand.
I definitely need to talk a lot of thing to both of them. Together? Iīm not sure. Iīm trying to have the courage to do that.
I loved your point about being able to be in love with someone and still not make good partners. It gives me a lot to think about. Is these what I want in a partner? How can I decide if the nice things they give me are enough to "make up" for the not so nice things? How could I sacrifice all the good things? Is it worth losing everything because there are things I donīt like?
Todayīs a day full of anger and sadness. i feel so guilty for having those feelings
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  #19  
Old 04-20-2011, 03:54 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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i hope you can find what you need and deserve in a partner or partners. It's hard enough when you're getting to know one new person at a time, but it must be even more so when there is a pre-existing couple dynamic to navigate in addition to the two new individuals. Wouldn't know personally, as I have never dated a couple or dated as part of a couple. I don't think it's worth it unless the couple really really has their shit together, and even then, one at a time is more than enough for me. I guess I'm just old-fashioned, LOL.
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  #20  
Old 04-20-2011, 05:12 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tercera View Post
Thank you so much for your response. They helped me a lot in trying to confront my insecurities. I now realize:
1) My biggest fear is being alone, again. I was alone for a very long time. Now I know what it is to have someone to talk to, to hug me, to phone me. I am sooooo scared of losing that. I donīt want to be alone again.
2)Worst case scenario is being alone AND depressing myself. Iīm so scared of having a depressive crisis. Iīm so scared iīm expecting too much from them and not being able to deal with reality.
Ok those are fair, especially in light of what you found out below about this. So I will continue below.

Quote:
3) At the moment, I canīt really picture my life without her. I just feel so empty when I imagine that
A couple of potential points here. One you can live without her and two being empty can be expected. These are human results. Allows your self to love but not be dependent. Imagine the pressure you are putting on the person you love.

Quote:
The most shocking thing I discovered is that I have no answers for your last 2 questions. I donīt know what I bring to the relationship, and I donīt know what the positives in me might be. I really donīt undestrand why two amazing persons woulod want to be with me. I guess thatīs where my insecurity comes from. I canīt imagine them WANTING to be with me.
Bingo. Exactly what that exercise is supposed to help with. So now you know the root of why you feel insecure. You need to figure out how you fit, why you fit, and why she is in a relationship with you. That will go a long way to giving you confidence in the relationship...

Confidence will keep building on itself. Accept the fact that these things happen and you have to learn to deal with them. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way.

Now I know I sound all calm and collected about this. But it happens to me too. I can go months feeling great and then have a downturn of insecurity.

Best of luck. There are more detailed and less detailed exercises in helping you recognize why and where you might feel insecure. ... Google insecurty and you will find lots of different methods. This one just happens to work for me.

Ari
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