the story of a secondary

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

But the truth is-that she hasn't been anything but a help since she entered the picture.

Yes! I like to think that's what I end up being. Even though we rarely active collaborate on it, Eric and I are partners in crime... the crime of making a woman who deserves it very happy!

[BlackUnicorn]

Hi Annabel, just wanted to say I enjoy the hell out of your posts even though I'm somewhat slow to catch up sometimes.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

So there I was, staring at the screen trying to process the idea that my pregnant girlfriend was in the ER for an entire day and I hadn't known about it.

The next time I'm hitting the doctor (to get a hearing aid and an IUD, though hopefully not at the same fitting!) I'll ask them to add my flatmate in my emergency contacts. Also, if I get a job for the summer I'll add her as my next-of-kin alongside my mum, so that messes like the one you described above wouldn't occur. Just wondering if you have a similar system in place where you live, where they automatically contact the people on a patient's list if a medical emergency occurs?

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

It's a weird thing to say, but it actually feels kind of good, now that it's over anyway, to go through an emotional crisis with my partner and come out the other side. In working it out, we show that we both have the power to affect one another deeply, and that we wield that power responsibly and compassionately. I DON'T want to go through anything like that again anytime soon, but in a strange way a crisis makes the relationship become real in a way that is different from when everything is smooth and quiet, or when the only conflicts are ones I'm dealing with internally. And when everything slides back into place afterwards and we can be relaxed and happy together, we see how resilient our relationship really is.

Flattie has been upfront lately about how she wishes I would be more of a friend and less of a parent to her. To communicate dissatisfaction in that way can, to my mind, be sometimes more constructive for a relationship than any amount of sweet-talk. To quote her 'You only dare to be angry with people you know won't be leaving you because of it'.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

There's no use trying to predict the future, and I'm not going anywhere for the time being, so I know I just need to suck it up. I'm seeing this through, even if my desire to strip off her clothes and gently touch her all over drives me crazy sometimes.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Even though we rarely active collaborate on it, Eric and I are partners in crime... the crime of making a woman who deserves it very happy!

Okay, perhaps a bit of a far-fetched idea here, but have you and Eric talked about maybe connecting sexually the two of you for... emergency purposes?

[MrFarFromRight]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

Hi Annabel, just wanted to say I enjoy the hell out of your posts even though I'm somewhat slow to catch up sometimes.

Ditto!

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

The next time I'm hitting the doctor (to get a hearing aid and an IUD, though hopefully not at the same fitting!) [...]

Got a very strange look from my fellow Internet user when I burst over this one... In case the 2 fittings are at the same sitting, let's hope that the doctor isn't drunk!

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

Just wondering if you have a similar system in place where you live, where they automatically contact the people on a patient's list if a medical emergency occurs?

An interesting thought, but probably not necessary -- she doesn't have any serious conditions and Eric would, in fact, let me know if there was a genuine emergency and a) there was anything I could do to help, or b) the acute-crisis period had passed and she could take visitors.

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

Okay, perhaps a bit of a far-fetched idea here, but have you and Eric talked about maybe connecting sexually the two of you for... emergency purposes?

I'm not going to ask. Gia didn't purposefully decide not to be with me sexually. Her body and her mind are going through all these changes related to the pregnancy, and that's running the show right now. I know that she and Eric have had sex at least a little since she conceived, but my impression is that it's not nearly as much as it used to be -- she's had a near-constant yeast infection. If I have sex with him without her right now, I'd be rubbing it in her face that 1) she and I aren't having sex, and 2) he and she aren't having (as much) sex.

And anyway, there's no emergency, at least on my end... I have other lovers. Which doesn't mean I wouldn't love to jump Eric, I just think it'd be a terrible idea right now.

[MrFarFromRight]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

I'm not going to ask. Gia didn't purposefully decide not to be with me sexually. Her body and her mind are going through all these changes related to the pregnancy, and that's running the show right now. I know that she and Eric have had sex at least a little since she conceived, but my impression is that it's not nearly as much as it used to be -- she's had a near-constant yeast infection. If I have sex with him without her right now, I'd be rubbing it in her face that 1) she and I aren't having sex, and 2) he and she aren't having (as much) sex.

And anyway, there's no emergency, at least on my end... I have other lovers. Which doesn't mean I wouldn't love to jump Eric, I just think it'd be a terrible idea right now.

Sounds like a pretty responsible (and caring) attitude to me. Maybe Eric feels that he's on the losing end, but that's his call.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight

Sounds like a pretty responsible (and caring) attitude to me. Maybe Eric feels that he's on the losing end, but that's his call.

Yeah, exactly. If he wants to broach the topic he can, or he could always find someone to sleep with who isn't me.

The subject of the birth itself finally came up between me and Gia. She doesn't want me there. She's going to have Eric, the midwife, the midwife's assistant and MAYBE her mom and that's it. She said that she'd do it completely alone if it was safe to do so and if it wouldn't be terribly unfair to Eric (it being his baby too). Basically, like I related in an earlier post, she gets stressed at the thought of people worrying about her and she wants to be as unstressed as possible during the birth.

Which makes perfect sense, of course. I'm surprised I thought her decision might be different, really. If I'd been writing this right after she told me I'd sound a lot more distraught. Now that I've had some time to come to terms with the idea, I'm in a better place about it. It would mean the world to me to be there, but of course her comfort in this situation has to come first.

Yesterday I asked my boss whether or not it would be ok for me to take off every Friday for a while, if I saved up enough leave time. She said yes. Gia's taking two months off when the baby is born and then she's going to go back to work part-time. Eric will be using whatever leave he can as well, but they'll have to find some outside care to make it work after that. My thought is that, when Gia goes back to work, I can fill in for at least a day a week for a couple of months.

It would be skirting the edge of co-parenting. I'm really not sure how she'll respond to the offer. I'll let you all know.

[AnnabelMore]

Sometimes I feel like this:

"All the time, I'm finding ways to make things fall in line
I know how tricky things can be, but I really do believe that
You are mine and all the stars are there before us
Listen here, some things are meant to be
Tried to take it slow, tried to lose control, but I'll tell you what the trick is
What you get is what you had to give away
When I learned, I found my eyes were opened"
-- Meant to Be, Squirrel Nut Zippers

Sometimes more like this:

"It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed
So break my heart if you must, it's a matter of trust
You can't go the distance with too much resistance
I know you have doubts, but for god's sake don't shut me out
This time you've got nothing to lose
You can take it, you can leave it, whatever you choose
I won't hold back anything and I'll walk away a fool or a king"
-- Matter of Trust, Billy Joel

[BlackUnicorn]

What was the single most disappointing thing about Gina's decision for you?

[MrFarFromRight]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

She's going to have Eric, the midwife, the midwife's assistant and MAYBE her mom and that's it. She said that she'd do it completely alone if it was safe to do so and if it wouldn't be terribly unfair to Eric (it being his baby too). Basically, like I related in an earlier post, she gets stressed at the thought of people worrying about her and she wants to be as unstressed as possible during the birth.

When a friend / former girlfriend of mine was pregnant and asked me to be her birthing partner (I wasn't the father of the child - he was going through a divorce, was not going to continue the relationship with her, and couldn't afford to give his wife extra ammunition in the divorce court - so wouldn't acknowledge paternity) [fuller account here], I read everything on the subject of home births that I could get my hands on, and became a real fanatic. In "Spitual Midwifery" (a book that contains things I love* and things I loathe), one of the things I admired (and got a big worried about) was in one case where the birthing woman's [very nervous] husband / father of the child was making her really nervous. The midwife became aware of this and ordered him out of the room. He suffered because of that, but came to respect the decision, and realised that he would have suffered even worse if his continued presence had complicated the birth.

Rule one in home births (and a rule they ride over rough-shod in most hospitals - and even in some home births with doctors [as opposed to midwives] present): THE MOTHER RULES!!! Her needs and wishes - even whims - must be catered for... even if others feel slighted.

*There's one account where a mother - who's going through intense, heavy contractions - says to the midwife after one contraction:
"That one seemed lighter."
"Yeah," answers the midwife. "That's because I helped you carry part of it."

"Oh, right!" I thought. "Happy hippy dreams! Wouldn't it be nice IF..."

Another woman who met me at the home-birth preparation classes was impressed with her 3-year-old daughter's attachment to me (after one session [a film of a home birth] where we were all to invite everybody who would be attending our own home birthings) and invited me to attend her home-birthing.

When I showed up, She asked me (radically opposed to tobacco) if I wanted to share a tobacco-free joint with her. And I swear to you: while I was sitting next to her, stoned out of my box, I was feeling all of her contractions. She didn’t have to say anything. I felt them starting, cresting, and ebbing in intensity.

I was incapable of saying anything during them (the feeling is too intense), but the first time, while the intensity was ebbing, I turned to her and asked: “Have you just had a contraction?”
“Yes. It just finished 3 seconds ago.”
“Well, I had it with you.”
“Oh WOW!”

Happy hippy dreams! Oh WOW!

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

What was the single most disappointing thing about Gina's decision for you?

Two things, since I can't pick just one.

1) I won't be there to support her. I had visions of holding her hand, distracting her or coaching her as needed, running to fetch water just... being there. Instead, she'll be going through this difficult thing and I won't know how she's doing. I won't know if she's struggling or even in danger. I want so much to help, but instead if I was there I would just be making it harder for her. It's a hard truth to accept.

2) I won't get to share this with her. When I was growing up, my mom used to tell me the story of my birth, how my dad was there with her through the hard, long hours, how he went out and bought her a stuffed animal when she decided she wanted one. Whether it's easy or hard, traumatic or orgasmic, it'll be something she goes through without me. It'll be a story she carries through her whole life, and I won't get to reminisce about it with her. It makes me feel sad and separate.