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  #231  
Old 04-13-2011, 08:05 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It's all in how YOU act, what you teach your kids through your actions (be bold and brazen or hide out in the closet like there IS something wrong with what you are doing) and who YOU choose to surround yourself with in my opinion.
AMEN, Sister!!!
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  #232  
Old 04-13-2011, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Btw, kids often say they love someone over someone else. Its there way of saying they are having a good time, because they feel good in the moment. Often they don't have the words to express that they are and feel it as loving someone more. Its important to put it into context for them when they express their love and echo back to them the words to use, like saying, "you are having a really good time, aren't you."
Yep, and I think this particular incident was brought by a combination of the excitement of novelty, wanting to ensure I was going to stick around and realizing I wasn't going to make him do chores !
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  #233  
Old 04-13-2011, 07:54 PM
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I think that if you encourage in them a strong sense of worth, of love, and of understanding for those who are different, and encourage their strength of character, you can see through the troubles.

There will always be prejudices. Teach your kids about them. If you know some children who are likely to face prejudice for other reasons than your own, encourage the friendship.
very true and so important. Tolerance is a learned thing and how I handle it is how he will learn how to handle it.
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  #234  
Old 04-13-2011, 08:01 PM
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Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
I think that if you encourage in them a strong sense of worth, of love, and of understanding for those who are different, and encourage their strength of character, you can see through the troubles.

There will always be prejudices. Teach your kids about them. If you know some children who are likely to face prejudice for other reasons than your own, encourage the friendship.
very true and so important. Tolerance is a learned thing and how I handle it is how he will learn how to handle it.

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It's all in how YOU act, what you teach your kids through your actions (be bold and brazen or hide out in the closet like there IS something wrong with what you are doing) and who YOU choose to surround yourself with in my opinion.
indeed
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  #235  
Old 04-17-2011, 09:03 PM
Rachelina Rachelina is offline
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I did search for this but most of what I found was about preexisting children (actually my husband does have 4 of those but they are with us mainly on weekends). And I saw the thread "new babies" but our situation is different so I decided not to post there.

I almost wrote "having children in a tree" because we are in a gray area between triad and vee. It's a triad in terms of love and a vee in terms of sex, although this could change. Our girl is still on the opposite coast but will be moving back in August, and moving in with us not right away but probably soon. She and my husband want children together. This was hard for me to accept at first, especially since I wanted at least one too, but wasn't sure if I'd be able to (I am 37 and have a few health problems). But I did begin to adjust to the idea, and then....I got pregnant! I'm now almost 10 weeks.

We have a vision of raising children cooperatively....I guess kind of like a Mormon or other polygamous family. I'm 100% certain that our girl is not a cowgirl, and that her love and concern for me is genuine. So I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts, or stories about this kind of arrangement, or ideas about how to make it work smoothly. I know it's all in the very early stages but right now I'm optimistic and excited.
I wish my post could have remained separate....now it is lost in this thread which doesn't really apply to my situation. There are some interesting stories here but I couldn't find any about people in a triad or vee having NEW children, to be raised in a polyamorous family with three parents from the very start. Anyone????? or is this not generally done?
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  #236  
Old 04-18-2011, 12:27 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by Rachelina View Post
I wish my post could have remained separate....now it is lost in this thread which doesn't really apply to my situation. There are some interesting stories here but I couldn't find any about people in a triad or vee having NEW children, to be raised in a polyamorous family with three parents from the very start. Anyone????? or is this not generally done?
It happens, but a lot of people worry about their children being taken away from them, so some are reluctant. Also, it's not uncommon for poly people to realise they're poly a bit later in life, at which point they have existing children and might not want more of them.
I think you'd have more luck looking how it's done with plural marriage, where it's very common to raise kids with several mothers from the get go (although not several fathers).
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  #237  
Old 04-18-2011, 10:44 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachelina View Post
I wish my post could have remained separate....now it is lost in this thread which doesn't really apply to my situation. There are some interesting stories here but I couldn't find any about people in a triad or vee having NEW children, to be raised in a polyamorous family with three parents from the very start. Anyone????? or is this not generally done?
It happens, but a lot of people worry about their children being taken away from them, so some are reluctant. Also, it's not uncommon for poly people to realise they're poly a bit later in life, at which point they have existing children and might not want more of them.
I think you'd have more luck looking how it's done with plural marriage, where it's very common to raise kids with several mothers from the get go (although not several fathers).
I think that the parallel is with other families (mainly couples) who want to have children and know that they [parents and/or children] are going to face prejudice: mixed race couples, couples expecting a child with Down's Syndrome or other "otherness", lesbian or single mothers [see my earlier post with the story about my friend: she knew before her child was born that both of them were going to have a tough time]...

Just as I believe that you should be honest right from the start with your children about sex, or the fact that they're adopted, or that grown-ups (including you) don't always have all the answers, or the fact that you have your down days or sometimes show anger towards them when they did nothing wrong - it's just that you were feeling mad at yourself or at something/somebody else and I'm sorry, Darling, that I let it out on you... just so I think that you should be honest with them right from the start about polyamory and stand beside them to face whatever prejudice the world might sling at you.

If you're not honest right from the start, then when they do find out... do you think that they'll ever trust you 100% again?

As for Tonberry's "looking how it's done with plural marriage": this is good advice and you should check it out, but remember that plural marriages are often an accepted facet of an already established community (such as the Mormons) that offers its members support. So it doesn't apply 100% to living poly while surrounded by monos. [I have to smile when I use the word "monos", because it Spanish it means monkeys!]

[Any time you feel that you need support, just come to this board!]
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If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #238  
Old 04-19-2011, 01:48 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachelina View Post
I wish my post could have remained separate....now it is lost in this thread which doesn't really apply to my situation. There are some interesting stories here but I couldn't find any about people in a triad or vee having NEW children, to be raised in a polyamorous family with three parents from the very start. Anyone????? or is this not generally done?
If you are in a situation where babies are being actively discussed in a three-adult context, I would suggest you really look into the state laws and what kind of private agreements you can make. Draw up a list of things that need to be discussed and agreed upon. Here are some ideas;

1) If you live separately or somebody moves away at some point, how often can they expect to meet the child?
2) Who is the legal guardian? How many guardians can one child have in your state?
3) Who, if anyone, will claim paternity?
4) Who pays for the child? How will you negotiate financially important investments, like schooling fees?
5) Where will the child live? What if the relationship dissolves? Will you all still continue to live as family or does the child continue living with their birth parent(s)?
6) Where will the child spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays etc.?
7) Whose surname will the child have?
8) Who decides on the child's name? How many first names can one person have in your state?
9) Who will do what? What roles will you assume? Will all be equal co-parents and share in the decision making equally, or will somebody have more of an auntie/uncle position?
10) What if somebody wants to relocate out of state? Will your family form still be recognized in that state?
11) What will you do when there's conflict on decisions regarding the child?
12) If you want to have more than one child but they have different biological parents, should you take measures to prevent social siblings from being forced apart if the relationship ends?
13) What will be the role, if any, possible future partners will have in the child's life?
14) If there's problems with fertility, who will cover the costs of treatment?
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  #239  
Old 04-19-2011, 06:28 PM
Rachelina Rachelina is offline
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Thank you Tonberry, MrFar and Black Unicorn for your responses.

Tonberry, I'm curious and alarmed by what you said about people worrying their children could get taken away. Has this happened? This isn't illegal, is it? Could a well-cared for child really be taken away from its two loving parents just because there was a third person involved?

BU, those are all great things to think about and discuss. Thanks!
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  #240  
Old 04-19-2011, 06:34 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Rachelina,

Our youngest child has been raised from birth in a three parent dynamic. Her bio-father she calls by his given name, she calls my husbandand I mom and dad.

We choose to have her, she wasn't an accident, she was planned. Her name actually references a triad.

She just doesn't happen to be my only or first child.


Yes, children can be taken away in some states, because of asinine laws pertaining to what is or isn't legal regarding marriage and living situations.
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