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  #101  
Old 04-19-2011, 12:46 AM
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I'm sorry, LR. That sounds really tough being stuck in a kind of relationship purgatory not knowing which way things are going. I hope that soon, all the parties involved can reach a good decision and get going down the path. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you and your household.
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  #102  
Old 04-19-2011, 12:50 AM
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FYI-
I have no issue with any of you talking to Maca in this blog. It's our marriage, it's our life and I think it would be silly to try to have separate blogs-in this case.
The advise can be used by both of us-so it's silly to make people write it twice.
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  #103  
Old 04-19-2011, 12:57 AM
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[QUOTE=Magdlyn;76535]
Quote:
So you and Maca have been together 10 years or so? I read you mention you 2 get it on sexually 28 days a month. So, he's a stud, that's awesome. You must miss his touch tho.
We've been together 13 years. Married for 12. He's awesome in bed and yes, I do miss his touch.

Quote:
And at some point, you met and got with GG, on the side, not in agreed upon polyamory. And GG and you are in a power exchange relationship, you Mistress, him slave.
GG and I've been friends for 18 years. I took his virginity 16 years ago. We had an affair after a series of fucked up events in my marriage with Maca.
Several attempts at being "just platonic" again have occurred in the years since-lasting anywhere from 3 months to over a year.

We didn't start a BDSM dynamic until last summer. However, the dynamic works very well. It's not really sexual in nature... for the most part it pertains only to behaviors of service. All in all, GG is a VERY VANILLA person.


Quote:
Are you and Maca also in a BDSM relationship? Is he your Dom? If he is, would that make your cheating, and getting his understanding and forgiveness, that much worse?
We were, for a short period of time in the last year. He was my Dom. However Maca had issues with taking advantage of the role and using it in ways that were damaging to me-so I ended it. We were not involved in that lifestyle at any point prior to this last year, so it didn't pertain to the cheating etc.


Quote:
How does Maca feel about you having a D/s relationship w GG? Is that part of your issues, or am I way off base? If Maca is vanilla, otoh, that could also be a problem?
Maca approved and agreed to my D/s relationship with GG at the time it started. There were specific terms laid out in the contract (which you can see on GG's blog if you want to read it) that pertain to assuring that my dynamic with GG doesn't negatively affect my relationship with Maca and those boundaries haven't been broken.

The issues that Maca has with GG are issues based on the past which remains unresolved. He says they are resolved and then returns to his anger and hatred and blaming of GG for all of the issues that arise in our relationship.

Maca is anything but vanilla.
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  #104  
Old 04-19-2011, 01:07 AM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Is it financially unthinkable at this point for all of you to get into a housing arrangement LR has talked about as her dream situation, where GG would live on his own, LR and Maca would have their own apartment and your eldest with grand baby her own, but everyone would live in close proximity to one another?

I'm thinking of re-modeling a farm or maybe buying a row of houses somewhere a bit isolated. Some such are available every now and then.
No, it's not unthinkable. It can't happen this year-but it WAS our plan to do precisely that at the end of next summer. Unfortunately-Maca can't handle making plans and carrying out little steps. He's an all or nothing person. It's ALL right now-or it's not at all.
So-that is too far away for him.

With him already living in his own place now, the financial strain will mean that we can't afford to do that next summer.

He gets caught up in believing (based on his own fears) that what we've agreed to isn't goign to be "good enough" and then he gets so worked up over what he thinks I will "demand" after that, that he freaks out-flips out on the rest of us and starts throwing verbal darts at GG and I.

It's repetitive and it's destructive. Every step I take for us-gets thrown down the drain and flushed as he attacks me.

Where things stand today-

I don't trust him. He can't stick to a decision for a month-much less long enough for us to actually get anywhere with our lives.

I don't feel safe with him. Anytime he is scared or insecure he attacks me verbally.

He sent a text to me (on accident) that was intended for someone else. It started with "It's insane that I still love her."

He can't understand why that eroded my trust in him further OR why it leaves me doubting the point of making an effort with him.
I can't figure out how to explain it to him-because it's so obvious to me that saying that about me to other people is such a fucked up sign of disrespect and disregard...

He made specific requests of me this weekend. I agreed to them. Yet he continued to accuse me of not caring about him, not being willing to work with them, not being willing to compromise. He was degrading in his assessment of my intentions and generally expressed that he believed I was just fucking with him... I hear all of that and wonder WHY THE HELL would I keep trying? If he thinks that's who I am... why bother?

THen he tells me today-that he's changed his mind. He was being unreasonable and he's sorry.

WTF am I supposed to do with that? Three days of hell only to have him say he was being unreasonable and he's sorry? How long until it happens again?
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  #105  
Old 04-19-2011, 01:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
I'm sorry, LR. That sounds really tough being stuck in a kind of relationship purgatory not knowing which way things are going. I hope that soon, all the parties involved can reach a good decision and get going down the path. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you and your household.
Thank you Ray. So do I.
I'm tired.
I'm ready to give up.
I feel like I'm the only one jumping through hoops-I know that isn't true-so I keep jumping-but God Damn it's exhausting.
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  #106  
Old 04-19-2011, 01:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I don't feel safe with him. Anytime he is scared or insecure he attacks me verbally.

He sent a text to me (on accident) that was intended for someone else. It started with "It's insane that I still love her."

He can't understand why that eroded my trust in him further OR why it leaves me doubting the point of making an effort with him.
I can't figure out how to explain it to him-because it's so obvious to me that saying that about me to other people is such a fucked up sign of disrespect and disregard...
Ahh, dear, dear LR, I hate to say this but... pot meet kettle.

How is Maca's saying "It's insane that I still love her" any different from what you are writing about him here? Sure, perhaps he's saying it to people who know you and what you're saying here is to mostly anonymous people, but his saying that doesn't look disrespectful from where I sit.

Actually I thought it was a pretty cool comment that could mean exactly the opposite of what you thought - like that, "despite how insane it is, I love her and can't stop loving her." I saw it as acknowledging his love for you amidst all the craziness (which he is also acknowledging). Meanwhile you are analyzing his personality and detailing his fears and shortcomings as you see them, for all of us and him to read here, so I fail to see how his comment is so much worse than what you're doing, or disrespectful, or disregarding you in any way. Can't he vent to people like you can? It's difficult for Maca, too.

It's obvious you're pissed, but perhaps in this instance, you could cut him some slack. Just my two dinars.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-19-2011 at 01:44 AM.
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  #107  
Old 04-19-2011, 01:46 AM
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Nycindie-

I agree, it's not different.

That's sort of my point.

He takes everything personal-but he doesn't accept that other people can be hurt by what he says too.

It's ok for him to say that it's all my fault or all GGs fault that our relationship is falling apart, because "it's true".
But-if I say that his words hurt me, then I'm being unfair.

The truth is that YES I did hurt him. YES I was wrong. YES I did fuck up. YES I did lie.

But-so did he.

If he wants to hold on to the grudge-that's his right, but it's not fair to say I should forgive him and let go of what he's done to me; but he gets to keep the grudge for what I've done to him.

Likewise-it's not ok to get pissed at me for talkign on here if he's doing the same thing elsewhere.

I don't really care who he talks to or what he says about me.

BUT

I do care that his "rules" for the relationship go both ways-i.e. he's responsible to live with them as well as me being responsible to live with them. I'm tired of the double standard.
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  #108  
Old 04-19-2011, 01:53 AM
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I.E.

Abandoning me to deal w/his ex-wife and her threats against myself and my children, including two attempts at kidnapping my kids.

Abandoning me to deal with his son who was abusive due to emotional trauma caused by his parents b.s.

Accusing me of cheating for 2 years before I ever did ANYTHING to warrant the accusation.

Going out to the bars 3-4 nights a week to play pool with the guys "cause he was on a league" and expecting me to take care of the kids-but I'm not allowed to go out without him.

Telling me he wasn't going to pursue a relationship with someone-then doing it behind my back.

Telling me he wasn't going to take said person to our house (his choice, not my demand) and then doing it behind my back.

Starting a sexual relationship, making out etc-behind my back.

Creating boundary rules for a "poly boundary list agreement" and then breaking them.

It's easy for him to say that I should just understand when he makes a "mistake", but it's not something he will do in return.....
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  #109  
Old 04-19-2011, 05:32 AM
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It's insane not to love you. It's insane to not want to let go of anger and resentment. It's insane to not want to give up total control. It's insane to not look forward to the future, and plan for it. It's insane to fly by the seat of your pants because it only causes chaos and uncertainty.

Loving you...not insane.

Did you ever read Of Mice and Men LR? The control stuff just reminds of it. Not that this subject is light and amusing but I was reminded also of that Looney Tunes reference to Of Mice and Men with the Abominable Snowman. This link is just to get you to giggle AND not in anyway to poke fun at your current situation...well maybe it does but not in an intentionally malicious way, just to make you laugh and relax a little. (hugs)

http://youtu.be/2JlVqfC8-UI

Last edited by Morningglory629; 04-19-2011 at 05:37 AM.
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  #110  
Old 04-19-2011, 01:16 PM
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Ah, LR you and Maca must both be so exhausted. Sounds like there was quite a bit of boundary breaking on both side of the relationship over the years.

Thanks for the explanation about the D/s dynamics in your V.

Recently I read in the Personal Summaries thread that your youngest child is GG's by artificial insemination. I am amazed Maca would agree to you carrying GG's child, and raising her (?) co-operatively, yet still be so resentful of GG all along.

You sound like you need a break from all the fruitless arguing and pissiness. I see no point in anyone moving out of your house right now... poor GG, it seems like he's getting lost in the shuffle. What about his need for security?

Could you and Maca just not talk to or see each other (besides dropping kids off) for like a month or so? Just take a break and let the dust settle... It seems the more you try and talk to him and make plans, the worse things get.
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