He wants to be poly; I don't

[LadyRaven]

Hello all. I'm new here and hoping for some advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together nearly three years, living together for just over two. In the past year, he's rekindled an interest in S&M that he had before we met. He wants to be whipped and spanked. It's not something I've done before, but I'm willing to learn.

The problem is, he doesn't seem to want me to be the one whipping him. A few months ago, he told me he wants to try polyamory. I'd be his Primary, he assures me, but he wants a Secondary girlfriend (one who already knows her way around a flogger), and maybe to play around at S&M parties.

I have no problem with the concept of polyamory in general - many of our friends live that lifestyle and seem perfectly happy - but it's not something I have any interest in bringing into my own relationship. I don't want him canoodling with someone else, I don't want to be sitting home alone while he's out on a date (nor am I really interested in engaging in another relationship of my own), and I simply don't want a time-share boyfriend. I want to be the one sexually satisfying him. I'm willing to engage in the S&M that he wants, but he keeps holding me at arm's length from it.

In addition, he originally told me he wanted to try poly to "experience the different energies" that other people bring. Did he want to have sex with others? He didn't know. Did he want another girlfriend? He didn't know. A few months later, he confessed that he'd had a specific girl in mind for his Secondary all along. For me, it then turned from "I want to experience different people" to "I want to get it on with this girl and still keep my girlfriend". So on top of dealing with his new desires, I have to get past having been misled and essentially lied to.

We love each other and want to spend our lives together, but he really wants this and I really don't. How can we get past this situation? Does a compromise exist?

[Breathesgirl]

Would it maybe be possible for the both of you to see someone with more Topping/Dominant experience TOGETHER so you can learn from her? A mentor type relationship maybe.

You might want to tag search (search in the top top tool bar, type in what you want to search for, tick tags, enter) for boundaries or rules.

[LadyRaven]

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl

Would it maybe be possible for the both of you to see someone with more Topping/Dominant experience TOGETHER so you can learn from her? A mentor type relationship maybe.

You might want to tag search (search in the top top tool bar, type in what you want to search for, tick tags, enter) for boundaries or rules.

A friend of ours has been doing that and I am progressing well. He's still reluctant. He's even sometimes laughed at me when I've tried to dominate him.

It's almost as if he wants me to remain the "good and pure" girlfriend while he goes to someone else for the "naughty" things he wants.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by LadyRaven

Hello all. I'm new here and hoping for some advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together nearly three years, living together for just over two. In the past year, he's rekindled an interest in S&M that he had before we met. He wants to be whipped and spanked. It's not something I've done before, but I'm willing to learn.

The problem is, he doesn't seem to want me to be the one whipping him. A few months ago, he told me he wants to try polyamory. I'd be his Primary, he assures me, but he wants a Secondary girlfriend (one who already knows her way around a flogger), and maybe to play around at S&M parties.

BDSM has some interesting quirks to them. One of them is how individual a person can be in picking their sadist/top/etc. I can sub.. and maybe will someday. I could never... EVER do it for my wife.

Even if she was trained and became a good top/domme I would not submit to her, and she could not beat me.

So it may not be a skill thing, it might be a you thing. Thats not meant as an offensive statement. Just pure fact

I have no problem with the concept of polyamory in general - many of our friends live that lifestyle and seem perfectly happy - but it's not something I have any interest in bringing into my own relationship. I don't want him canoodling with someone else, I don't want to be sitting home alone while he's out on a date (nor am I really interested in engaging in another relationship of my own), and I simply don't want a time-share boyfriend. I want to be the one sexually satisfying him. I'm willing to engage in the S&M that he wants, but he keeps holding me at arm's length from it.

Read above..

I guess I could explain further. If he is a switch, and could bottom. You might not be top material. Its an attitude. A feel.. a personality and most of all, for me, chemistry. I can't sub to the toughest dommes, but I can think of a certain someone I would want to beat me.

In addition, he originally told me he wanted to try poly to "experience the different energies" that other people bring. Did he want to have sex with others? He didn't know. Did he want another girlfriend? He didn't know. A few months later, he confessed that he'd had a specific girl in mind for his Secondary all along. For me, it then turned from "I want to experience different people" to "I want to get it on with this girl and still keep my girlfriend". So on top of dealing with his new desires, I have to get past having been misled and essentially lied to.

Why assume he misled you. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he wasn't quite sure. Maybe it evolved over those months. Maybe the desire to be topped became stronger and stronger to the point he couldn't resist. Its a different kind of desire, and a different kind of person. At least in my limited experiences with subs.

Poly and BDSM is an easy combination (in one respect) due to how regimented BDSM can be. If he is looking for a topping gf, he is literally looking for a jig saw piece to fill a need that can't be fullfilled for some reason. Its not a short coming on your part at all..

Where I migth begin to get concerned is if it turns into a Master/Slave or D/s relationship. You may want to educate yourself on the nuances of this potential type of relationship as it can become a HUGE hinderance in poly. The freedom of poly can be quickly locked down in a poorly structured dominant setup. Luckily your bf sounds like a masochistic which doesn't always include domination/master roles.

We love each other and want to spend our lives together, but he really wants this and I really don't. How can we get past this situation? Does a compromise exist?

Could you handle him with a play partner. Someone to beat and flog the hell out of him, with the removal of emotion. This happens a lot in BDSM too.

If..a) he really wants a gf and b) you really don't want him to have a gf. There really isn't a compromise. Someone has to give in.

[LadyRaven]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Why assume he misled you. Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he wasn't quite sure. Maybe it evolved over those months. Maybe the desire to be topped became stronger and stronger to the point he couldn't resist. Its a different kind of desire, and a different kind of person. At least in my limited experiences with subs..

He admitted that he knew and didn't want to tell me, either because he thought it was all too much for me to process at once or because he thought I'd get angry at the girl, who is a friend. (FTR, I am not at all angry at her.)

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Could you handle him with a play partner. Someone to beat and flog the hell out of him, with the removal of emotion. This happens a lot in BDSM too.

I told him I was fine with that. He doesn't want to leave it there.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by LadyRaven

I told him I was fine with that. He doesn't want to leave it there.

I think your boyfriend needs to do research on "compromise". Relationships are give and take...not all take. He wants a play partner and you seem good with that as long as it sticks to non-sexual/emotional connection, if I understand you correctly. BUT he wants a play partner and a sexual/emotional relationship and you are not ok with that.

He needs to be made aware that to get eveything he wants from this new girl he may have to give up parts of what he currently has. Cause and effect, reward and cost.
To expect to get everything without sacrifice is not realistic in any situation. Toddlers often have this expectation which is why the terrible two's are often so terrible

[NeonKaos]

Maybe you two just aren't fundamentally compatible over the long-term. Two or three years into a relationship is about how long it takes for folks to figure out that kind of shit.

[redpepper]

I would just carry on talking and seeing where you get with experimenting. It sounds like you are both on a course for more negotiation and more experience before really figuring out what it is that will work under the circumstance you are in with each other.

It sounds like you are being honest and open about what is going on for you, trying things out and thinking hard about what would work. Keep at it... so he laughed this time, well he might not if he told you what he wants to hear and what he wants to experience... maybe some pictures, some videos.... some naughty talk... maybe you will like it, maybe not.

Go and find out what BDSM is like at a club or event. Find poly people to hang out with or talk on line; join fetlife and check out the forums there... read here. There is so much you could do before throwing up your hands in defeat.

You are both new to this stuff, so take it easy and be aware that everything takes time. Sometimes years. Learn about it all and see where you get. This is just the beginning.

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Poly and BDSM is an easy combination (in one respect) due to how regimented BDSM can be. If he is looking for a topping gf, he is literally looking for a jig saw piece to fill a need that can't be fullfilled for some reason. Its not a short coming on your part at all...

I read a very interesting piece on poly and BDSM, which contrasted structured and more open attitudes to polyamory. Ask him what he wants - a girlfriend who is also a top or a Domme. If the latter, what part in his life does he think she will play? What will be the impact on the two of you if he starts a D/s relationship with someone else? D/s can fall into various places on the sexual/non-sexual and occasional bedroom play/24-7 lifestyle spectra.

What does the girlfriend-candidate think of all this?

[GroundedSpirit]

Hi LadyRaven,

Here's the short, simplistic version of what I think might be going on.

When we connect with people there are certain characteristics we really attach - find value in. It's kind of a cross between a fantasy image and reality. (humans have great imaginations sometimes).

It's VERY common to also have multiple interests. We're complex creatures. But that's part of what makes someone special/attractive. Straightforward and predictable soon become boring.

So it's very common for people to cast a lover in a certain role that seems to suit them well and we find it totally alluring. It's a big part of that connection. But if they were to step OUTSIDE that role then they would damage the current image we are so attracted to !

Does this make sense to you at all ?

My guess is that you are not by nature the 'dominant/sadistic' type. Maybe you are the fairy type. Light, happy, airy etc. He loves that about you and can't begin to envision you in an opposing role. And my belief is that you shouldn't try to be ! Unless it calls to you naturally - which is somewhat unlikely. You really can't be both and be the best at it. They are kind of opposing forces.

Be happy you have your role ! It's special. Perfect it !

Let him find his darker needs from someone who is more naturally constructed that way. The two are complimentary - not conflictive.

GS