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Old 04-18-2011, 05:31 AM
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Default First date rule

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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
We acompany each other on 1st dates. This is for a couple reasons. 1st, so that the potential bf or gf understands that the person they are seeing is married, but that the spouse is "ok" with them dating and getting intimate. 2nd is for safety. Mainly of L, but eh...I guess if I were to be "molested" by some woman (note the sarcasm and humor here please) I would appreciate L helping. LMAO!
Thanks TL4everu2 for allowing me to go into more depth with this "rule" that you have with your partner. It fascinates me.

To me having anyone else on a first date, would not be a first date. It would be a meeting. I can see the benefit as it gets the whole meet and greet thing out of the way, but it kind of makes the assumption that there is something there to work towards right from the beginning and I wouldn't want the person I am dating to make that assumption right from the get go.

I dunno, it sounds controlling to me rather than protective. I can take care of myself and have never put myself in a situation whereby it isn't known where I am, when I got there and when I plan to be home. I never go to places with people I don't know that aren't public and always make sure that people see me. What harm could come really.

I can't imagine how this would work. Please explain more? Anyone have any thoughts or experience with this concept?
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Old 04-18-2011, 05:47 AM
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RP, for a while, I was corresponding with someone from OKC who had a similar rule. We wound up not meeting (maybe will at some point, I dunno), but here's what he wrote about it to me once:
"We do have one rule that we always follow. When one of us is meeting someone new for the first time, we always both meet them. ... For her that tends to keep a lot of the creeps away. For me, it usually helps assure women that I'm not really cheating on my wife. ... And yes, always the first meeting. It's not a test. Our usual method is to meet somewhere in public. Dinner or drinks somewhere, depending on what works out. And if there are any rules or preferences you'd have, I'd comply."
He and his wife have been married for 30 years and poly for about 10, so it seems to have worked for them so far. The idea of it made me really nervous, though. Maybe that's why I just never went and met them, although we did start trying to schedule something and then set it aside. But I was just starting looking at poly at the time.
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Old 04-18-2011, 02:49 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I'd be curious, if TL or LT pop into this thread, is it really a date date? I mean, is there the "usual" first date stuff, like a bit of flirting, that sort of deal? Or is the atmosphere closer to that of three people meeting?
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Old 04-18-2011, 04:12 PM
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I can see how that would be a useful way to start things off. It get everything on the table and out in the open. I agree with RP that I'm not sure I'd call it a date. I think if I were married/coupled, I would probably organize this for a second date or just a meeting after the first date. I'd want to be able to establish a small connection and explore their energy without that pressure first. I do like that TL and LT are being active about expressing what they're offering. Honesty can be difficult to find sometimes. I would imagine that method keeps cowgirls and boys at bay.
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Old 04-18-2011, 04:40 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
To me having anyone else on a first date, would not be a first date. It would be a meeting.
I'm with you. Such a meeting wouldn't be a date. Nor would it would last an evening for dinner and drinks or anything similar. Want to have coffee and a short chat? Sure. Meet somewhere and have a beer? Perhaps. Make an evening of it when there's no way it can be a date? No.

I prefer any women interested in me speak with Curly prior to any great involvement, sure. I'm certainly not going to ask anybody on a date with Curly along, for that wouldn't be a date. I believe that would be rude--any lady interested in a date with me isn't automatically signing on for a date with Curly.
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Old 04-18-2011, 05:04 PM
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Mr. Sour and I tried this !

The amusing part for ourselves, was that we didn`t do it at 'the beginning'.
We dated seperately for awhile, and then one time a issue came up, where I couldnt really get a read on a guy.

I take awhile getting to know people before I meet them. Usually I have good intincts,.....but,..this guy was a head-scratcher' for me. Mr.Sour and I tend to have the same thought processes on people and personalities, so I wanted his opinion.
So I asked Mr.Sour to meet me with him. It went totally fine, and the guy was okie-dokie.

I am usually someone who prefers to do things alone, on my own. However, we had moved to a new city, I was in a unknown area, had no feel for the culture or the attitude, so I think I just wanted the confidence and opinion, that something familiar brings.

He asked me the same favour one time, going on a date with a new woman. Though, his reason was ....ummm,......cause he wanted a excuse to leave, if she was a nutter. LOL


So I can see TL`s reasoning. (safety, and equal opportunity in a way, I think ? ) Also, I have met people who wanted me to meet their spouse as well. It`s not ever felt awkward, which really surprised me ! We usually all laugh and have a easier time,....3 or 4 people making conversation, fills in more gaps then 2, sometimes.


I think the difference lies in the reason for the extra addition. If it is fear-based, and almost interrogation-like, then it would feel very much like a meeting, and not a date.
I can tell you, in my case, where I met that gentleman,..there was some flirting, and I was even flirting with the waitress on behalf of Mr.Sour.


Negative moments : I`ve had people message me online, then hand over my email to their spouse,....and THAT felt like interrogation. I`d rather meet in real life, and see if the comfort-zone is there, or not.

I had the husband of a gorgeous woman, ( I had hoped was blossoming into a relationship ) ..tell me after date three, that if I wanted to touch his wife, I had to ask him permission first, because they had a D/s relationship sexually, and I was expected to follow it. Ummmmm,....no. I`ll ask her, not him. Either she`s her own woman or not, apart from him. What they do in sex, involving themselves, is up to them, but nobody was dictating their sex life, at me.

Last edited by SourGirl; 04-18-2011 at 05:07 PM.
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Old 04-18-2011, 05:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I've personally never had it officially. I was more apt to see girls on my own, and then they could me pengrah separately. The added pressure of a full fledged introduction would be annoying I think. So it usually didn't happen until it became something more than fleeting.

That said, the first meeting with sourgirl was all 4 of us. Its blossomed quite well that way.

I am not sure how I would take it as a requirement. I might think of it as a yellow flag.
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Old 04-18-2011, 05:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I've personally never had it officially. I was more apt to see girls on my own, and then they could me pengrah separately. The added pressure of a full fledged introduction would be annoying I think. So it usually didn't happen until it became something more than fleeting.

That said, the first meeting with sourgirl was all 4 of us. Its blossomed quite well that way.
.
Well, You were travelling by plane, to meet a woman from online. lol. It didn`t offend me in the slightest, and made perfect sense she wanted to meet me due to distance. None of it was awkward at all.

Wanna do it again, sometime? :P
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Old 04-18-2011, 05:21 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Well, You were travelling by plane, to meet a woman from online. lol. It didn`t offend me in the slightest, and made perfect sense she wanted to meet me due to distance. None of it was awkward at all.

Wanna do it again, sometime? :P
That is true, it would have been awkward flying a distance without my wife to spend time with a wife and hubby. It worked out for the best methinks ...

Sure, how bout this weekend ...
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Old 04-18-2011, 05:36 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I've personally never had it officially. I was more apt to see girls on my own, and then they could me pengrah separately. The added pressure of a full fledged introduction would be annoying I think. So it usually didn't happen until it became something more than fleeting.

That said, the first meeting with sourgirl was all 4 of us. Its blossomed quite well that way.

I am not sure how I would take it as a requirement. I might think of it as a yellow flag.
I should note there a hidden truth. I guess I am accidently leaving it out. Before sourgirl I was a unicorn hunter. Also, Pengrah and I were also very independent in our groups. I had an abundance of friends on my own, and she did with hers. There was a lot of cross over. But we commonly hung out on our own.

Me hanging out with a group of girls on my own was not unheard of. Me going to a bar and hanging out late into the night with a girl was common. Me flirting and partying with random strangers wasn't unheard of. In that time it was fun. My wife had the same kind of fun too. Again with lots of cross over.

So my perspective on being married and friendly/available/dating is very different than most. Most peoples concepts of monogamy and marriage are very locked in and restrictive to me.

Last edited by Ariakas; 04-18-2011 at 05:56 PM.
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