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  #31  
Old 04-12-2011, 10:22 AM
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I have always thought that being "in love" was something that needed to be mutual. You never get the full experience of a healthy relationship with someone unless you get all the bells and whistles of feeling the love returned. His wavering heart, effort, appreciation, and in some ways respect has me feeling a little foolish, but that is NRE for you.
I dislike the term NRE, but that doesn't sound like what I take it to mean when others use it. That sounds like waffling.
Yes, being in love must be mutual to not just feel like heartbreak.

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I keep thinking back to my dating rules when I was single, and I think I may have broken a few of them. I do not like to waste my time on someone that's not really into me...
What were your dating rules? The one you mentioned sounds solid.

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So, I will linger in the background, remembering some of the better times, but still living in the reality that is his fleeting love for me. I am strong enough to move past this, and adapt to what I need. I have a huge long list of things to do for myself anyway, and the distraction that is this confusing chaotic situation is not helping.

never settle!
NO. Never.

I want to say to you that you seem to have a great handle on the situation and a healthy love and respect for yourself. You know what feels right and feels wrong, -in your gut. Don't ever betray it. Sending encouragement and appreciation at you for being so honest with yourself at a time when you must be hurting and dissapointed.

Good luck with your list. I promise you that if you step back and work on that list, you will be rewarded beyond anything you could want or predict.

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  #32  
Old 04-12-2011, 03:54 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I have always thought that being "in love" was something that needed to be mutual.
I believe you can be in love without it being mutual, provided you're not in a relationship with the person. It seems to me if, in a given dyad relationship, one person is in love and the other isn't, it's a recipe for disaster and heartbreak.
However, you can be in love and feed off of your own feelings and appreciate them without necessarily being loved in return, provided it becomes something personal, and the state of being in love becomes something like being happy from knowing the person, being happy when they're happy, etc.
And I would say that if the person either doesn't know about that love, or knows and accepts it (without reciprocating), it's better. I think having someone reject your feelings has a strong potential to turn the love into something that hurts.
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  #33  
Old 04-13-2011, 03:54 AM
younglove younglove is offline
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I am so bummed that my love interest does not want to just enjoy time together.. and let us hang out and have feelings the same way.

But on a bright side, I told one of my good friends about my situation and she was actually somewhat interested in still meeting this guy and perhaps investigating the situation, claiming she thinks it would be pretty comfortable given our current friendship and knowing how I feel about him and everything. She's known me and my husband since way in the beginning of our relationship. It makes me feel that even if nothing comes out of it, that it is at least possible for things to *maybe* happen. Hope is nice. But I am still aware of reality.

In other news, I am pretty sure that he went on a date this evening. But I want him to branch out and find himself so he knows for sure what he wants. I don't want to hold him back! He did say he wants to hang out on his day off thursday or friday, so he still wants to hang out. He has also texted me every single day ever since we started talking. So we've never gone without talking. His effort does say something!
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  #34  
Old 04-13-2011, 10:22 AM
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But I want him to branch out and find himself so he knows for sure what he wants. I don't want to hold him back!
Let me first say I am really good at killing off any and all flowers that are entrusted to my care. I give them too much or too little water too late. I do have one survivor that's been with me since I was in high-school, though. He gets into all these funny shapes because I don't remember to turn him towards the sun often enough, so he does it for himself.

By being open and loving you are turning him towards the sun, but you can't really do nothing but to wait for him to branch out for himself. I'm sure you know that. He will branch out when he is ready.
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  #35  
Old 04-15-2011, 08:54 AM
younglove younglove is offline
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I think I could have been "friends" and channeled my love a little differently than the romantic way I felt for him at first... But lately I am thinking why?

See the man that I started seeing, the man that I fell for was just completely different than the man that I have before me today. He really stressed wanting friendship. He still texts me everyday. But it's completely different. It's half assed. It's disrespectful.

I'd love to be his friend but I don't know if he can. The kind of friend he is right now is closed off, distant, reluctant, strange, awkward, confusing. He sends me mixed signals. He doesn't seek my support or my company when he's had a bad day at work. He tells me we should hang out on his days off, but somehow is too busy to text me. Instead of courteously telling me he can't hang out, that something came up, or that he fell asleep and he's sorry, he's just making light happy little jokes. "Whoops I fell asleep.. I am an old man!" Maybe I am getting bent out of shape. But I want a friend that WANTS to hang out with me. I don't want a flake. And most certainly don't want a friend that thinks its nice to flake and not communicate.

But here's the idea I have going in my crazy little head. I am thinking that instead of a nice crisp break up - a clean slate and a time to heal and move on, I am presented with the option of killing it slowly.

Drawing out the relationship between us until it becomes a miserable roller coaster of highs and lows, expectations and disappointments. I am a little distant thought in the background. I am a candle that is running out of wax. Eventually he wont text me at all. Eventually he won't want to hang out with me. Little by little there is nothing. It's making it harder for me. If there was still a functional friendship where new memories could be created, laughter, enjoyment, happiness, appreciation, respect, effort.. I would be so inclined and honored to have him in my life.

What do you think? Is it wrong for me to want to just write him a letter letting him know how I've been feeling and stressing that I think it's a good idea that we either make an effort at being "friends" or move on permanently?


PS sorry if this sounds particularly whining or ridiculous. I've been awfully miserable and emotional about this whole situation the last few days. I think I am so miserable because I hate who he's become. It's so frustrating.
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  #36  
Old 04-15-2011, 10:24 AM
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What do you think? Is it wrong for me to want to just write him a letter letting him know how I've been feeling and stressing that I think it's a good idea that we either make an effort at being "friends" or move on permanently?
Blah, I have a similar situation. Not intense feelings of NRE, but just wanting to be friends and communicate better with someone. I wrote them a letter and they eventually answered it, but I never got the reply. I think I've given it my best shot, sending friendly texts etc. that are very sporadically answered. So moving on while keeping my heart open, I think. Letter might make you feel better but he would have to be wanting to communicate with you in that way for it to really clear things up between you two.
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  #37  
Old 04-15-2011, 10:34 AM
younglove younglove is offline
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I wrote a letter up. I plan on having him read it with me. I could I suppose just talk to him, but I really like having a letter. It just completely makes it easier. I can open up entirely and not forget something - he can ask me any questions, has the potential to respond - by either talking about it then or requesting to reply by letter also. I just feel like writing things makes you think more clearly and carefully and lets ideas fully come out without fear or hesitation or changing the topic.

Him and my husband are really similar and have a hard time talking about emotions and opening up *fully* about them. I think if he wrote me a letter back that would be most beneficial to him. and maybe to me too.

I know that there is the risk that he may not even want to make an effort at replying or thinking much of it. He may even be relieved at the idea of not keeping a friendship going.. who knows. My letter was really sweet and kind and written from the heart. I tried my best to be constructive. I copied and pasted it below but I don't expect you to read it because it's a novel. haha.



----------------------------------------------------------
Dear -his-name-here-,

Let me start by saying that I want to and think I am more than capable of channeling my love for you completely to friendship. There are times when I still think of you, and I think I will always have those thoughts. I will still think of you the day you came over and I wouldn’t let you leave, standing there with the door open and me yapping away. The excitement I had to spend my time with you was just bursting at the seams. The times cuddling on your couch and wanting to kiss you but waiting for many hours before doing so even though we had before. Looking into your eyes and just feeling the vibes of being around you. Feeling comfortable and cozy curling up besides you, laughing with you, and completely not watching the moving pictures across the television screen – yes those times were great.

There’s not really that much different between those times and the times I could see us having as friends. Yes there’d be differences, but the excitement to be around each other would still be there. The comfort and support we could offer each other. The shitty days that went by at work or school or wherever weren’t nearly shitty with the hours of time together to look forward to… and they can still be that way. Friends can lean on each other, laugh together, and make an effort to see each other. They get excited to see each other, have inside jokes, talk about real stuff, communicate, appreciate, and in some cases even love each other. Of course it is different, the kind of love that it is at that point.

The part that is hard is that we didn’t really transition to friends. We didn’t really do much. Neither of us was really eager to let things completely go – hence your asking for friendship and my wishful thinking. We both clearly liked each other. And we both could sense the intensely awesome chemistry we had. We knew we liked each other… how we felt at home with each other almost immediately. Now I don’t want to read too much into your feelings because you claim you always knew it was temporary and therefore never felt it like I did, but I seem to recall things that made me think you had the possibilities running in your mind. You called me babe, you held my hand, you cuddled me, you kissed me, you looked at me adorningly, you told me often of your strong feelings for me, you let yourself lose control for a moment and you got intimate with me. You enjoyed yourself; you let yourself be free to feeling things you hadn’t in a long time. Perhaps instead of you realizing that you felt this way because of your feelings for me, it instead gave you the hope that these feelings are possible with someone else. Now I won’t deny they are possible with someone else, because I am sure they are and will be. And I wish you all the best with this plan of yours.

Since we didn’t want to let go, we have really made a mess of it. See, you’re so focused on the idea of missing out on someone else that you are eager to get rid of the feelings you have/had for me. But in doing so, I feel pushed away, perhaps in an over-compensated way. We are killing these feelings slowly (it’s agonizing). Every day I get a little less from you. I notice it. One day, I feel I will get nothing from you. I don’t want to be a burden; I don’t want anything from you but friendship.

I want friendship in the sense that you want to text me, not out of habit or obligation. I don’t need to be texted every morning or every night or every day - just when you really want to. I like substance, not fluff. I want friendship in that you make an effort to schedule time to see me. It can be way less time. Once a month for all I care. I just want to feel that you want to spend time with me. I’d like to do stuff together, like activities. We can’t really sit around and cuddle (or sit around and not cuddle) anymore. I suppose romantic relationships are different in that you can do absolutely nothing and just show affection for hours – but as friends the sitting around just isn’t the same without the affection that once was. I’d like to get out and do stuff and laugh and talk about things in your life that you love and hear about your passions. I want to be a friend that you love telling stories to and thinking about silly things in life. I want to be a friend that you can act weirdly with, but not feel weird. I want to be a friend that you can be the biggest dork with, but feel accepted. I want to be a friend that you can open up to. I want to be a friend that you can depend on to be there for you at your worst moments. I want to be the friend you call when your day sucked. I want to be the friend that’s always been there for you in years to come. I want all those things.

But I don’t know if that’s the direction we’re headed. I am hopeful. I am eager. I am waiting. But at the current point in time, I feel like only one of two things can happen: We both desire and want to be friends that show effort, respect, appreciation, and love. Or … we move on permanently. Because what is the point of friends who aren’t really there for each other. Who don’t really care? Who don’t want you around, who can’t be a support and facilitate happiness? Who you can’t open up with? Who you can’t be honest with? I don’t like the idea of moving on, but I cannot see a future in the current “friendship” without change.

Maybe I am too much work. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am emotional. Maybe. But when you really want something you fight for it, you give it your all, you’d do anything to hold on to it. If it’s not realistic though – if I am not something you really want, then it’s time for you and me to move on. (I take no offense because I don’t want to waste anyone’s time). I would hate to be any more of a burden than I already sometimes feel. If my ideas here seem unreasonable or silly, then I apologize sincerely. I would love to hear your take on this. By the way, I must tell you that I am truly sorry I ever got you into the mess of emotions that I likely did. I feel like I have really been annoying, what with all my emotions and difficulty throughout. I can completely understand being over me by now…

I want you to know that I am not that different from you. I can be very monogamous. In fact I think I mostly prefer monogamy. I have no desire for anything or anyone else besides my-husband – that is until I circumstantially* met you and started to feel a deep understanding of you as a person, and I started to care for you unconditionally. I want to shower you with as much love as I can muster. I find you special. You are likely to be the last person I felt all the newness and sweetness of a new connection with. I will remember you and the way I felt around you for many years in my life if not all of them. I know and trust you will go on to have connections with other women until one day you meet your special someone and marry her. It will be incredible. You’ll have everything you want at that point, and I will just be one of the many rungs of the ladder that helped you get to her. I just hope that when you meet this person you are willing to walk through fire for her. I hope that you are willing to give her your world. Because love deserves effort. True honest love deserves that.

*I bolded this for emphasis that I did not seek love nor felt I needed nor wanted it nor craved it but that my meeting you combined with the possibilities/opportunities that were a result of my-husband’s permission and your acceptance turned into something more than I could have asked for.. I am not the type of person to deny my feelings when it does not bring harm to others.
I don’t think I can ever relay how much of a crush I had on you, nor for how long, nor how exhilarating it was finding out that you were exactly the kind of person I could(/would) fall for..sweet kind sensitive caring emotional loving tender captivating enticing passionate understanding & more!)

Your loving friend,
my-name-here 

Ps. The same part of me that could not hold back my feelings, could not stop myself from revealing them… is the same part of me that could not help but write this letter in order that we may in a healthy way continue in each other’s lives, which is also the same driving force that continues to compel me in every way possible to not let you go (unless its what is best) – love. Oh love - such a crazy feeling of compelling desire to think of you and your needs before all of mine at every moment of the day. I love you his-full-name-here . So much, I wish you so much happiness in your life.

Last edited by younglove; 04-15-2011 at 10:35 AM. Reason: paragraphing things better
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  #38  
Old 05-23-2011, 04:29 AM
younglove younglove is offline
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So I wanted to do a little follow up on this.. maybe someone can offer their opinion as to whats going on with him. but if not its alright.


So i gave him a letter (posted above) asking to be just friends, but very good friends that really strive to make an effort to be supportive happy friends.. not crappy mean disrespectful flaky wavering friends that are worse than acquaintances. If we werent going to keep contact, I wanted to cut it off completely because it would be easier than dragging things out awkwardly. Maybe become friends many months later..

Well the result of my letter was that he didnt want to be just friends and basically said he wanted to go back to where we kind of were in just enjoying each other (but he was still going to go on dates with other women in hopes of still finding a "real" girlfriend).

I agreed to this only if this meant consistency. I asked him to define to me a point at which he would recognize and tell me when things got serious with another woman so we could end things and just be friends (if possible) because I knew he would not tell potential dates hes been seeing a married woman.. and I want things to be fair for a potential future girlfriend of his.

Well, he read the letter and told me all this, the first thing he said was "I love you" but explained that it was not completely a romantic I love you, but just love me as a person? (confusing).. we went out to dinner, stayed the night at his place and we had an amazing intimate time, some real bonding. He was back to himself and everything was seeming to be perfect again. (as much as it could be)

He started acting weird again maybe only a few days later. Several weeks went by before we were ever intimate again. In fact, I texted him one evening we were going to hang out and told him I didnt feel comfortable with coming over given how he had been acting which was pretty weird. He would still text me, maybe once a day just to say "how was your day" and if I answered it, he wouldnt ever text me back. He asked me to come over and watch him do laundry. that was his idea of a great hang out time. I told him I had no interest in that. to rethink his approach to our "friendship"..

He met a girl, liked her a lot whole lot but it was kind of a blind date thing and when they went on it, he didn't really like her AS much as he thought he would. He told me about this girl one day when he asked me to go to the beach with him. The entire time he was texting her. It was very rude and it annoyed me a lot, which I did make a comment about, but he didnt seem to care and went on texting her. Of course after they went on their date and finally met each other, ... he started texting me again and acting interested.

So one more time, everything happened again. He was sweet, kind, making a ton of effort, we had so much to talk about, conversation was never boring, he'd hold and kiss me and hug me and give me tons of attention and affection. He told me he was content not having a girlfriend. He told me he hadnt been so crazy over anyone but me in a year. He thinks its a bummer I am married, but he was glad I was in his life because I have been there for him for a lot of things.

I recently hung out with him on his birthday. He acted strange again. Very distant, disinterested. We were alone for most of the time, but it's like he re-started the friendship thing.

I dont have a problem with "just being friends" I just wish he wasnt so indecisive. Every time we are "more" than friends he randomly flips a switch when he starts to feel too much for me and starts acting very different. I would appreciate it if instead of just acting strange, he would just say it "I know the last time we saw each other we were very close and .. I just can't handle it because I feel myself getting too attached and getting too many feelings, which is why I think we should be just friends"

but he never says that. It is ridiculous. On a sunday we will be practically boyfriend girlfriend with the way he is acting holding my hand taking me out to dinner, watching movies at his place with me, laughing, enjoying each others company, the things he says... ugh. On tuesday he will be over it and trying to be just friends. 3 weeks will go by, and he'll be back to wanting more from me again. And it isn't purely sexual, although I am starting to worry that is something that must be factored into the equation here. He has done nothing with any chick other than me for over a month, even kissing. He chose to spend his birthday with me, instead of the chick he somewhat likes ...

Anyway, it's been 3 months exactly of him talking to me every day no matter what at least once. He will text me every day. Even if I dont care to respond anymore. 3 months of having an 'on again off again' situation. I am pretty tired of it. So I think I am going to have to tell him once and for all that theres never going to be anything ever again... that is slightly sexual. We can ONLY be friends at this point, because it's driving me crazy to keep feeling like I am doing something wrong when he randomly starts to stand 2 feet away from me, not like it when we look into each others eyes, not kiss me good bye, etc. its playing with my feelings and I hate it.

Ps. he loves to check out other chicks in front of me and it's really annoying to me because its disrespectful. None of my guy friends do this in front of me. Save it for hanging out with the dudes. Anything but doing that when I am spending time with him.
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  #39  
Old 05-24-2011, 01:50 AM
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Um, he's not into you. That's what I would say. If I were you I would think of myself as a goddess and not settle for anything less than that from others. Of course this means that you need to think of others the same way and not treat them any less. If he isn't then you won't and then, well, why bother. That's just me though, I don't like wasting my time with people who don't give me their undivided attention, communicate openly and I don't like rudeness.

I would say good-bye and tell him why... you deserve someone's full attention all the time when you are together. You deserve consideration in his life and deserve reliable and open communication. If he is waiting for someone better and trying other women on then leave him to it. He is obviously not looking for the same thing you are.
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  #40  
Old 05-24-2011, 10:57 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I get a slightly different vibe ... He's interested, but completely incapable of dealing with the reality of poly.

However, I do agree with RP. It is time to move on to someone who loves you for who you are.

*hug*
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