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  #21  
Old 04-08-2011, 06:26 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is online now
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Also I want to know how I can effectively communicate that [...] I want you (particularly Drew) to realize that you destroyed that blind trust in me. And you'll need to earn it back, and I'm more than willing to give you that chance, but I'm not going to be freely trusting again, you need to prove to me I can trust you, that sort of message.
I think you're in a tricky position for that. Basically, you're not really in a fighting position to make demands. That kind of thing would work if Drew was begging you to take him back ("Fine, but you'll need to re-earn my trust.") But that's not the case here. You're the one who wants a relationship again, and he's the one who doesn't.

So you basically want to find a good way of telling him that in order to get something he doesn't want as it is, he'll need to make a lot of effort before you let him. I really don't think you'll be able to do that, man. I mean, I don't see what he'd get from it.
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  #22  
Old 04-08-2011, 07:31 PM
Seeker90 Seeker90 is offline
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So I've been reading a view other posts and had a question regarding fluid bonding. Is it basically having unprotected sex with your partner and/or partners. That's the basic idea I'm getting from it.

But also that it isn't about not about birth control or std prevention, but about a connection with that person on a high/more intimate level given that everyone is clean? Is this correct, or is there anything further I should know about that subject?
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  #23  
Old 04-08-2011, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
So I've been reading a view other posts and had a question regarding fluid bonding. Is it basically having unprotected sex with your partner and/or partners. That's the basic idea I'm getting from it.

But also that it isn't about not about birth control or std prevention, but about a connection with that person on a high/more intimate level given that everyone is clean? Is this correct, or is there anything further I should know about that subject?
Fluid bonding is an intimate act that requires a lot of trust. It basically means exchanging bodily fluids without barriers such as condoms. As I understand it, it most often goes hand-in-hand with a condom commitment, which means that you agree to always have STD-protected sex with others outside of your bond circle. If somebody breaks that commitment, it jeopardizes everybody in the circle and since HIV infection takes six months to manifest, it's considered by most a really serious boundary-break.

You don't need to have sex with somebody to be fluid-bonded. When you fluid-bond with someone, you bond with all the partners they are bonded with or have bonded with in the last six months. So in my vee, if I bonded with my sweetheart I would automatically bond with my metamour, his primary partner, as well. If she would have unprotected exchange of bodily fluids with someone new, that would break the fluid-bond, or more accurately, bond more people with me.

People who know better should really answer this, but I hope this illustrates some of what fluid-bonding means. It is an expression of trust and usually (not always) a sign of stability/primary status in a relationship. And of course people can be totally committed and not be fluid-bonded for a variety of reasons, like lack of workable birth control method other than condoms, one partner carrying an incurable STD infection already etc. And since condoms are not perfect, not everybody wants to fluid-bond ever unless it's a iron-clad poly-fi arrangement.
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  #24  
Old 04-08-2011, 08:34 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is online now
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Fluid bonding is linked to STDs and STIs because being fluid bonded means you don't use protections from them, and rely on testing and trust (meaning that the bonded circle either doesn't have sex outside of the circle, or that they use protection when they do).

It has nothing to do with birth control, you can use any form of birth control apart from condoms and still be fluid bonded (diaphragm is also a physical barrier but one that doesn't prevent fluid bonding).
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  #25  
Old 04-11-2011, 01:39 AM
Seeker90 Seeker90 is offline
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Thanks for that Ton.

Does anyone have suggestions on how I can make my feelings on the situation known. I'm trying not to create a giant mess of drama with everything, but I think that I have a right to express everything. I just don't wanna have everything I saw get used in a negative way against me.

Nor do I want to let things fester. Which is a big problem I think, because I want to clear the air with a lot of stuff, much of which I've already dropped, but some I think warrant communication, however Drew doesn't talk about anything along those lines now and Brian just completely makes me feel like I'm purposely doing things to negatively affect him, Drew, me...everyone.
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  #26  
Old 04-11-2011, 01:59 AM
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Seeker, why not preface what you want to say with pretty much what you wrote?
"I don't want to create a giant mess of drama with everything, but I think that I have a right to express my feelings. Some things have been festering because I've been discounted or unacknowledged.

I don't want anything I say to be misinterpreted or used against me, but I need to clear the air with a lot of stuff. I think I deserve at least that much respect.

I want you both to really make an effort to hear me without automatically resisting what I'm saying, or making some conclusions about what I'm saying. This is important to me . . ."
Then go for it.

A lot of people come here, write what's going on for them, and then ask,. "How do I say that to him/her?" But really, you've already put out there what you want to say, so there it is! Good luck.
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  #27  
Old 04-11-2011, 03:29 AM
Seeker90 Seeker90 is offline
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That's really good! Thanks for that, I really liked those openings cause they don't come off attacking. I think I'll go with something like that. Thanks a lot!
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  #28  
Old 04-11-2011, 04:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
That's really good! Thanks for that, I really liked those openings cause they don't come off attacking. I think I'll go with something like that. Thanks a lot!
Well, you're welcome, but you really wrote it, hon.

And remember to slow down and breathe if you get scared, overwhelmed, or emotional when you talk to them. You can do it!
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  #29  
Old 04-13-2011, 04:19 AM
Seeker90 Seeker90 is offline
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Default Moving Forward

Hopefully beginning to work on things. I haven't brought up this issue or trying to have a super deep conversation on much yet. Just continuing to build the lines of communication and working on not bickering over little things.

So far so good. I'll take the advice I have so far and implement it soon though. If anyone has further helpful hints or stories I'd still appreciate hearing them. Thanks!
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