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  #31  
Old 07-30-2009, 09:25 PM
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As I consider the question of "the advantages of polyamory," the main thing that comes to mind is that it isn't necessarily the best question to ask. There are advantages to both monogamy and polyamory. But the more urgent question, to me, is what are the advantages of a non-possessive versus a possessive style of loving?

What is it to be possessive? http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/possessive

What is a possession? http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/possession

A possession is a kind (or form) of property.

Now, it is conceivable that a couple could choose a monogamous love-style without choosing to behave as if the other was their property, or possession. But often monogamous people treat one another as property or possession without any thought that that's exactly what they are doing.

A piece of property, or a possession, essentially, is something under our control. To control is "to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command."

Such control is usually manifested by a rule or an agreement.: You may do this but not do that."

Well, there's nothing intrinsically unloving about establishing agreements, even rules of acceptable and non-acceptable behavior. But, surely, most of us would agree that some relationship agreements (rules) amount to a kind of abuse which is unloving. Some partners feel they have a right to limit who (or what sex of person) one may choose as a close friend! How loving is that?!? Some are so possessive and fearful (insecure) that they will disallow even intimate non-sexual relationships. "You must love only me, and no others!" How loving is that? It's certainly controlling, possessive, dominating!

Most of us, if our partners insisted that we can't form other intimate freindships, would refuse to follow such a silly and absurd rule. We'd quit a relationship of that sort. But somehow most folks think it is appropriate to impose limitations on HOW we can express or experience love and intimacy with others. We typically do this, I believe, because we secretly believe that, in order for our relationship to be "special" it must also be unique in how we experience and express affection and warmth. We don't want to lose the "specialness," and so we want to restrict our lovers in their expression and experience of intimacy with others -- by refusing them the freedom to express or experience physical intimacy. Or even, in some cases, emotional bonding!

But this "logic" doesn't work for most polyamorous folk. It seems faulty, erronious, manipulative, controlling, fearful. We'd rather trust that our partners can love others fully, however they will, so long as we are also being loved. So a major advantage, I think, of polyamory, is trust. Our trust in the love of our lovers is larger, more expansive. And we trust our love-bonds well enough to not respond with fear or anxiety if our lover also loves another--however expressed. Or, if we find ourselves feeling insecure or fearful about our lovers' love of another, we inquire within to see--well, Why? And we find that there are no good reasons to fear this additional love, so we learn, often gradually, to open up and fear less. The result, often, is growing, not shrinking love with our partners.
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Last edited by River; 07-30-2009 at 09:30 PM.
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  #32  
Old 07-31-2009, 01:03 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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I've been working on possession myself; in past relationships I have hated feeling like a possession. I had a bf once who used to accuse me of sleeping with the neighbors when he would come home and I wasn't there. I also had another bf who used to freak out if I was gone at my friends house for what he thought was "too" long.

It's tough because even though I have been on the receiving end of possessive people, I can't help but have some of those tendencies myself. I have control issues and sometimes I catch myself wanting to dictate what my partner can and can't do simply because I feel left out or something.

It's important to see him for who [I]he[I] is, not some fantasy, idealistic possession. When you can see a person as the individual they are, the WHOLE person, it is easier to allow them, no - GRACE them with freedom. I can preach this all I want, putting it into practice is a little more difficult because I tend to fall back into my conditioned state of jealousy.

There is a book called "Facing Love Addiction" and if you can get over the Narcotics Anonymous type of talk in it, it has some fascinating ideas on what it means to be in a healthy relationship and steps you can take to know your true self and value yourself, indeed LOVE yourself so that you continue or re-enter a relationship in a healthy way - or decide if you should even be in the relationship.

I find it helpful because I need to know if I can continue in my own relationship with my poly bf, or leave it behind.
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  #33  
Old 07-31-2009, 01:58 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by distraughtinNJ View Post
Yes, I am looking for benefits of being mono in a poly relationship.
If you are just looking for stuff in the "Pro" section, you could try:
1) You get to be with this person you love.
2) There is a much less of an issue of cheating since he is being honest with who he is sleeping with. (That assumes the damage of cheating is the lieing, not the sex itself.)
3) You are able to be part of a larger poly family. You will have more people in your life that feel like family. You may or may not hit it off with his wife as friends. But who knows, maybe you will become good friends with someone his wife dates?
4) You know he is with you because he wants to be with you, not because he "settled" or made some committment long ago. He will not leave you for another woman because you are not limiting him. So the only reason for you two not to be together is because you have grown apart.
5) You get to go to poly meetings and act cool and hip. You can be in on the "in" jokes and have a nice scandelous story for them vanilla people.
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  #34  
Old 07-31-2009, 03:23 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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JRiver- Sorry for the misunderstanding. I have read many of your posts regarding conditioned monogamy. Maybe it's just the way they're worded or maybe it's just because so much meaning is lost in text versus one-to-one convo. I was simply worried people coming from a mono standpoint who are TRULY mono may read your posts and start thinking "What's wrong with ME for not being able to do this?" Or consider settling into a lifestyle they are not truly comfortable with. There is no better type of relationship or better pairing of one type of person versus another. There is only a good relationship in which all involved have their needs met or a bad one in which one or more partners are neglected or abused.
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  #35  
Old 07-31-2009, 07:18 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
I was simply worried people coming from a mono standpoint who are TRULY mono may read your posts and start thinking "What's wrong with ME for not being able to do this?" Or consider settling into a lifestyle they are not truly comfortable with. .

Good work.
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  #36  
Old 07-31-2009, 08:05 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Being in a "v" is not easy.

.?
My experience is different, Gorgeous. I find our "V" to be quite easy actually. It's the other stuff that isn't easy.
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  #37  
Old 07-31-2009, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
JRiver- Sorry for the misunderstanding. I have read many of your posts regarding conditioned monogamy....
Well, surely we all must recognize that there is a lot of "conditioning" we receive from the dominant culture concerning what love is and is not, and what is considered right and wrong, etc. I just shrug when I hear people in here say that their "natural" monos--as if there were a genetic basis for it or something! Some folks in here believe there are "natural monos" and "natural polys" and then there are others, supposedly, who just have to work through their conditioning to become whatever is "natural" for them.

Probably, gay people are "born that way". I've always been dual attracted (bi)--with a bit more attraction to guys, generally. And this is something we queer folk discover about ourselves, not something we decide or are conditioned into. There's a strong case for a bilogical basis for sexual orientation -- although there's a lot yet to learn about that.

But the "conditioning" we receive meant to make us into monos is simply OBVIOUS. All we have to do is pay attention to movies, radio songs, television, friends, family..., and it will be plain as day. If any of us received that much "conditioning" to ensure that we were racist or sexist, we'd probably BE that. And if we began to wake up to the fact of that conditioning, and to question those assumptions and attitudes, we'd have to work hard to get free of it, most likely. So it's not as if we have a simple neutrual choice, mono vs poly! Becoming free to love more than one person, or to bond with one who does, means swimming upstream, against a strong current.

Let's face it, polyamory is TABOO in this culture. Very. And, to my way of thinking, that taboo is an -ism like sexism, racism, heterosexism, ageism.... That is, it is a harmful kind of bigotry and ignorance. It is a form of social injustice.

But this in no way means that the reverse prejudice is valid. Monogamy, per se, is not an "-ism" of this bigoted sort. It's a relationship style choice, like polyamory.

I have never opposed monogamy in insisting that it is the default "conditioned" mode of thinking and attitude about romantic relationships. I have no gripe against monogamy or monogamists. My target is monogam-ism.
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  #38  
Old 09-24-2009, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by distraughtinNJ View Post
Thank you. If any other mongamous people out there are involved in a Polyamorous relationship would please share you coping strategies I would really appreciate it. I do not want to lose him. I connected with HIM and want to have a relationship with HIM. I did not sign on to have to have share him with his wife.
Hiya - just to say - I've just joined this group. My situation is I've been married 30 years, and I'm mono, but my husband appears to be poly. He's been kinda interested in others always - and I've always been threatened by it, hurt, jealous. But he never stopped loving me. I've just started getting curioius about poly, because he's fallen in love with someone. it's broken my heart, but nothing's changing so I think I gotta start facing up to it or leaving him, which I don't seem able to do.... I haven't got a lot of advice for you, as I'm just dipping my toe in myself - but I am learning that you can't change what is...

Good luck xx
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