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  #21  
Old 04-12-2011, 08:01 PM
koifish koifish is offline
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MrFarFromRight,
Kinda harsh, but I can see how you would be confused and concerned by my posts, nearly all of which of occurred during intense periods of unhappiness.

My fiance and I dated for several years in high school, broke up and then got back together a number of years later. We've been together for 3 years. We are young, but not that young. We were together a year beofre becoming engaged.

If our relationship had been rock solid with GF, I would likely have stood up to family and taken the consequences. But it wasn't. Far from it. I was looking at trading a huge number of relationships with different people for this one, which barely worked, if you can even call it that. I wanted it to work, I resisted the advice of friends who nay sayed and it just didin't work.

I loved and still love GF. Yet this relationship, especially in retrospect, was bad. I actually made a very valiant effort in the face of much doubt and misery and it was still bad. I could not successfully make her part of my fiance's and I's relationship.

I don't know that I'm poly, I'm okay with my romantic life being slightly blurry around the edges, same for my fiance. I'm bi. But I would never do this like this again.

I was going to avoid talking to him about my feelings, because he is sad, but now I'm think I should anyways.

As for me and my stuff with the wedding. I have a tendency to run away slightly with fantasy. Maybe because I've spent so much time ill and dreaming vividly of nicer things. The stuff with the wedding was exacerbated by the triad, though.

I felt alienated by the relationship and unhappy and would withdraw into the distraction of planning. He would be playng with GF and keeping her happy, without keeping promises to me about getting stuff done. I would get upset at his being a flake. He would withdraw because I was upset that he wasn't helping and that I was in my own head planning and not listening to him enough. With GF, there was something to escape to, things need not have been dealt with with the wedding for him.
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  #22  
Old 04-12-2011, 08:27 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Well, koifish, you know you weren't happy and were using fantasy as a retreat from your unhappiness, the unworkableness of the relationship, and his shitty, inconsiderate treatment of you.

So, what are you going to do? Get married anyway? The fantasies you may have of that fixing everything or turning the crap into something wonderful will almost certainly never come true, hate to break it to ya.
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  #23  
Old 04-12-2011, 08:41 PM
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I think I see what you mean with how you loved the GF but it just wasn't working. I know I had a hard time letting go even though there were all these problems because I just wanted so badly to make it work. It's amazing what humans will put themselves through in order to try and 'make it work.'

I agree with those that have remarked that some of these issues would be best worked out before the wedding. I've never been married so I have no personal experience to base this on. I bet it would be terrifying but it seems like there might be some things to consider.
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  #24  
Old 04-12-2011, 08:51 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
MrFarFromRight,
Kinda harsh
I didn't mean to be harsh... and there are others saying (without my long-windedness) what I'm saying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
I was going to avoid talking to him about my feelings, because he is sad, but now I'm thinking I should anyways.
I'm glad to see that you've changed your mind on this! May I suggest you search the term "non-violent communication" (also under "NVC")? Please don't think that I'm accusing you of violent communication! I just want your talks to have the best chance of success. And if he's sad (or angry) now, a little extra care about wording on your part could make a lot of difference.
Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
As for me and my stuff with the wedding. I have a tendency to run away slightly with fantasy. Maybe because I've spent so much time ill and dreaming vividly of nicer things. The stuff with the wedding was exacerbated by the triad, though.

I felt alienated by the relationship and unhappy and would withdraw into the distraction of planning. He would be playng with GF and keeping her happy, without keeping promises to me about getting stuff done. I would get upset at his being a flake. He and that I was in my own head planning and not listening to him enough. With GF, there was something to escape to, things need not have been dealt with with the wedding for him.
You're confirming some of my earlier fears here: You write that he "would withdraw because I was upset that he wasn't helping" [with the planning for the wedding] and that you "have a tendency to run away slightly with fantasy [...] I felt alienated by the relationship and unhappy and would withdraw into the distraction of planning."

It seems that both are forms of escaping. Consider the possibility that you were escaping from dealing with the problems of your relationship (some of which - but perhaps not all? - had to do with the GF) into the fantasy world of weddings, being a bride [you wrote that he preferred a much simpler wedding with just a few friends], and "happily ever after", while he was escaping from the idea of the wedding - and perhaps(?) even of marriage - into the fantasy world of his NRE with her.

If he has doubts about getting married - or about getting married according to your conditions ("But I would never do this like this again." - What if that's what he wants?) then you really are better off postponing the wedding until you clear this all up.

You mentioned several times on that other thread your concerns about finance: that you couldn't afford to do this without his parents financial support, that friends who had already bought plane tickets might decide to back out if they knew that you were poly...

Do you know how much a divorce can cost?

Getting married as a way of saving a relationship is about as crazy as having a child to save a relationship (though not as disastrous... because there's not a child to suffer as well). If he's reluctant about getting married, you need to decide if the dream is heading towards nightmare.
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  #25  
Old 04-12-2011, 11:36 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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The following got moved by Neonkaos to a new thread about formatting. I've removed the "highjacking" portion and repost here, as what's left has to do with this thread (and possibly influenced koifish in her response to me [now a few comments back]) In it, I'm only agreeing with 2 other comments... but agreement is part of a conversation:
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
However, what you need to do is make decisions that are RIGHT for YOURSELF, and don't get married or decide not to get married because of other people's opinions or your families' expectations. So far, it sounds like your crises stem from "what will everyone THINK if I do this or that?"

You have to decide what's right for YOU, and start putting yourself first in your life.
Too true!
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Originally Posted by Penny View Post
Koifish, the closer it gets to the wedding date, the more disastrous and havoc-wrecking cancelling it will be. The pooch is already screwed here. Now does not seem a good time to get married.

At this point, the wedding seems more about the event than the relationship, which ain't good.

Why do you want to get married now? I think this is a really important question.
100% in agreement. koifish: Pay special attention to the middle paragraph!
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #26  
Old 04-13-2011, 12:37 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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Thanks for the sage words, everyone.

We had actually gotten to a point prior to the breakup where we were both okay with how the wedding was. At least I think. We made it much smaller and pretty inexpensive. He has a tendency to not say what's bothering him, and rather to expect that I guess. When he finally admitted what was bothering him and why, and I made a concerted effort to put his feelings ahead of any plans, we started to make progress.

He is still acting angry. He won't say anything except he's having a hard time, but he glares at me at work whenever we pass by. I'm wondering if he generally feels like he must bottle things up right now, because he's feeling ambivalent to say the least about the wedding. I'm thinking I should tell him that if he is not comfortable with the wedding and the marriage right now that we can put him off. I know I've been guilty of putting the process of marriage, and the process of various projects ahead of his feelings.

(Don't throw things at me! :-/ ) That's how I was raised. Stuff ahead of people. Appearance ahead of people. I'm learning rapidly about how not to do this. And it's a very good thing.

I would give up the whole wedding shebang in a heart beat just to be close to him and happy with him again.

I'm going to look up the NVC, MrFarFromRight. I was joshing you a little about being harsh. I know you are trying to help.

Last edited by koifish; 04-13-2011 at 12:58 AM.
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  #27  
Old 04-13-2011, 12:56 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, koifish, you know you weren't happy and were using fantasy as a retreat from your unhappiness, the unworkableness of the relationship, and his shitty, inconsiderate treatment of you.

So, what are you going to do? Get married anyway? The fantasies you may have of that fixing everything or turning the crap into something wonderful will almost certainly never come true, hate to break it to ya.
Thanks for the wake up call, NYCindie and everyone else on this board. I appreciate it so much. It actually has mad a big difference to me.
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  #28  
Old 04-13-2011, 01:34 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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On the other hand, keep in mind we are strangers and we can't make decisions for you. You have to be able to trust yourself, only you know what is true and relevant.
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  #29  
Old 04-13-2011, 03:08 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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Well, we talked. More talking, less glaring, which is good. I offered up the wedding postponement and he didn't snap it up, so maybe a desire to get married as planned is still rolling around in his noggin.

We talked about a lot of things that he was specifically angry about, which is lot better than unverbalized undifferentiated anger.

I think it was good.
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  #30  
Old 04-13-2011, 03:10 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Good for you!
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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