Originally Posted by nycindie
I know she has said that when she realized she could have feelings for someone outside of your relationship that she felt something had been missing til then. That does not mean that the things that were missing were about you at all. I suspect the thing that was missing was simply acknowledgment that it was possible. It's possible for you too. Aren't there numerous people in your life that you feel love for? Why does Jen's desire to expand that love into something sexual, with the right person, threaten you so much? I'm not asking that glibly, but saying that to you as something to ask yourself and examine closely.
I don't know how to explain that it is NOT about not having enough. I know that you give me all of the love that I could possibly want from YOU. I know that if I ever wanted more sex for the sake of the act, YOU would give it to me. I KNOW that you spoil me rotten and I DON'T take that for granted. What makes you think I am unhappy with anything you give me?? I have NEVER EVER said anything like that.
It's not the sex, it's not the love... it's the sexual and emotional freedom.
Using J as an example, how I feel about him.. when it comes down to sex. I wanted that connection with him. If I said, "man, I really feel emotionally and physically drawn to J, so I'm going to go have sex with my hubby and that will fill my need".. that would sound ridiculous...and vice versa. J could not fill my needs from you.
I am exhausted. I feel like I speak a foreign language to everybody in this house. The kids don't listen to me the majority of the time. Hubby listens but doesn't understand. Everybody is whining, crying, hanging on me, upset about something. I am emotionally drained. I'm feeling weighed down by guilt and carrying the blame for something that I don't feel i can help. I feel like all of the fingers are pointed at me for being the horrible person that always wants more and can never be satisfied by what she has. I feel like I'm expected to be perfect and I know that I will never achieve that.
Sometimes I just want to give up. Crawl in bed and stay there for as long as possible, so I don't have to be poly, so I don't have to be mono, so I don't have to keep repeating myself over and over when nobody listens. So I can't hurt anybody, or be hurt. I don't want to argue over who is wrong or who is right, or who's fault it is. I just want to sleep, and sleep. I'm tired.