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  #101  
Old 04-12-2011, 10:32 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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For me, I've felt at least these types of compersion;

1) I have had sex with someone who really knew how to do it. We had fun times but there is someone I heavily suspect they would be even more compatible with. I love this person, I want them to experience the fullness of joy, also of sexual joy. I know that the person I've had sex with is interested in my other love. So to me, it seems natural to try to make sure that they at least consider the possibility of getting it on (without me).

2) I see someone treating their loved ones with respect and love. They want to share their loves with me, not because they are afraid that the relationship would end otherwise or because they want to get their own jollies out of it. They are just good at sharing, like someone who has enough to get by themselves might want to share from their good fortune to others less well-to-do. They understand the philosophy behind it. So compersion tinged with gratefulness and admiration.

3) I am with someone and thoroughly enjoying my self. For some reason, there is something I can't fully give to this other person - something they can do without, an interest perhaps that I don't share. I would encourage them to the best of my ability to seek out someone who shares that interest with them. A good example, like Mono pointed out, would be me dating a bisexual and wanting them to find a male partner as well.

So for me, compersion is a combination of wanting somebody to experience the fullness of joy available to them and also feeling that someone I am with is just too good NOT to share.
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  #102  
Old 04-12-2011, 04:55 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
So for me, compersion is a combination of wanting somebody to experience the fullness of joy available to them and also feeling that someone I am with is just too good NOT to share.
I had never thought of it, but there IS a bit of that, isn't there? "My boyfriend is so awesome, please, people come and see for yourself!". It's like when you love a book so much that you want everyone else to read it.

For me, it's mostly the other way around: I want my boyfriend to be happy, and it doesn't matter to me if I'm always the one who achieves it as long as I'm making him happy some of the time at least. But you can't reasonably be the only person making someone happy. There will be friends, family and complete strangers doing it.

I haven't really experiences jealousy in my romantic relationships because I was always so sure of how much I was loved. Nothing was a threat to that. However, I have been jealous of friends. I found it much harder to "share" them, because I know it's possible to lose them if you don't get to see them often enough, and it has happened to me a lot.
I think if I could have hanged out with their other friends it would have been fine. It was the exclusion, being pushed aside and away, that hurt.
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  #103  
Old 04-12-2011, 07:48 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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What do you think of sympathetic joy (the idea of feeling happy because someone you love is happy, even if they are happy because of someone else)?
I think it's an admirable quality to foster in oneself.

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To me it seems really logical, but very difficult.
It's easiest if you A) are ensuring your own needs are met & B) you are committed to not being self-centered.
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Is it hard to experience sympathetic joy sometimes?
absolutely. If you have an unmet need, have failed to address your internal fears, if you are "under the weather" (which means you have an unmet need), if you are focused on your own gratification, if you are addicted to instant gratification.

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What do you do when you are feeling jealously, or envy creeping up on you?
Depends on what's going on. One time I sent my metamour a loving, affectionate letter. She wrote back how much it meant to her that I shared my husband with her and that reply sent me to highs of self-appreciation that killed the insecurity that was driving my bout of jealousy.

At other times I've simply asked my partner for a hug or kiss and told them I'm feeling insecure (because generally jealousy is triggered by insecurity) or missing our time together (because envy is generally triggered by a lack of having what someone else is having). That almost always solves the issue.

In an ideal (poly)world, I'd spend a few extra minutes with my significant other with them reassuring me by their willingness to give me a few extra minutes; and then I'd plan a "friendly date" (not romantic-no need to compete) with my metamour in the week ahead.
I find that creating a friendly bond with the metamour makes them a REAL person and that alleviates the sense of them being a "threat". Also, if I can be friends with them and can talk and hang out with them comfortably on my own, that increases their understanding of my quirks (like I get all emotional just before my period) and my understanding of theirs (like they need their lover more often the week before theirs).

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It seems like somewhere in the roots of sympathetic joy is the idea of non-attachment, or the idea that we only hurt ourselves with attachment and the false sense of security it brings.
I think it's critical to know what your definition of attachment is in order to address this. For me attachment is a critical part of a relationship, but being attached to someone is not the same to me as being possessive of them. In order to remain in a deep, meaningful place in a relationship, I need quality time and emotional connection with my S.O.

But, I don't need them to share quality time with ONLY me and have an emotional connection with ONLY me. In fact, that would be creepy. I think that the emotional connection that one has with a lover is related to the emotional connection one has with any other person; different depth maybe, but same concept. I would never want someone to give up their emotional connections with the rest of their loved ones for me; it follows logically for me that if I can share a deep, meaningful, emotional connection with them while they have so many emotional connections to others, then I can share an emotional connection with them while they have another deep, meaningful, emotional connection with another lover.

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Has your experience with polyamorous relationships seemed more realistic at all, in the sense that you are less possessive of your loves and/or more accepting of the idea that (unfortunately) we will all have to say goodbye to one another eventually?
No. I already was no possessive of my loves. I'm not accepting of the idea that we will all have to say goodbye to one another. Saying goodbye is a choice, we can make it, or not.

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How has your experience helped you to be more true to yourself and to find your true identity?
Yes.

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Lastly, given the society that we live in and its prescribed ideas of heteronormativity and monogamy as a norm, what struggles have you had as you have challenged these ideas?
Aside from dealing with Maca, very few. The people I surround myself with (mostly mono) are open to accepting that we're all different. That has made it very easy to be "different" because in one way or another, we all are.

On the other hand, I've encountered a number of judgmental and hostile people in the "poly community". Which I find ironic and bizarre.

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Has it been worth it?
Yes.

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What would you say to the closed minded if you could tell them or try to teach them anything you believe in?
I wouldn't waste my breath. It's impossible to teach anyone who isn't open to learning and a closed minded person isn't open. However, to a person who was open to learning but inexperienced or fearful, I would tell them of all the positive lessons I've learned.
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  #104  
Old 04-13-2011, 08:18 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
However, I have been jealous of friends. I found it much harder to "share" them, because I know it's possible to lose them if you don't get to see them often enough, and it has happened to me a lot.
I think if I could have hanged out with their other friends it would have been fine. It was the exclusion, being pushed aside and away, that hurt.
This! I've had intense friendship jealousy. Slowly working towards increased compersion in close friendships too. I always try to ask Flattie when she is going to see her friends next to show my support (I hope) for her other friendships.
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  #105  
Old 11-23-2011, 01:03 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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Default is compersion real?

or just an ideal people try to aim for? Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion? Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed? Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?
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  #106  
Old 11-23-2011, 01:08 AM
mcmctalk mcmctalk is offline
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I'm trying to understand this as well. It seems to me, on the surface, compersion is an ideal situation to eliminate jealousy. I have hard time getting the underlying mechanic on how exactly one gets themselves to this place to see other happy while feeling like something has been taken away from you.
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  #107  
Old 11-23-2011, 01:35 AM
CheesyLady CheesyLady is offline
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I think it is real but I think it takes the exact right combination of people with their personalities and circumstances for it to happen.
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  #108  
Old 11-23-2011, 02:25 AM
mcmctalk mcmctalk is offline
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Originally Posted by CheesyLady View Post
I think it is real but I think it takes the exact right combination of people with their personalities and circumstances for it to happen.
Tally makes me feel better, if poly veterans still finds this concept difficult, I do t need as "lacking" in this quality.
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  #109  
Old 11-23-2011, 02:43 AM
quietstormn quietstormn is offline
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Default This is difficult

Compersion is hard for me, I waver back and forth, but it seems to be based on my feelings of insecurity. When I fell in love with A, it helped me to understand loving more than one person. I tend to fall in the jealousy pit when I start comparing myself to others, and that's not a healthy thing to do...although it is human nature to do so. Someone will always be younger, "prettier" (what is pretty anyway), or better at some things, or have tgings that I don't. So it is useless to compare. Instead I focus on the things I know he loves about me, and remember that he is not poly because he lacks anything from me, but because he wants to add more to what we have.
I want him to find someone...but I do sometimes get scared.
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  #110  
Old 11-23-2011, 02:54 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yep, it's real, I've felt it. But you're not good if you feel it and bad if you don't -- it's just a nice thing to aim for. It involves a lot of security, compassion, understanding, and good feelings for all involved, and often it only comes in time if it does in fact come. Focus on the process, not the end goal.
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