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  #11  
Old 04-12-2011, 02:00 PM
koifish koifish is offline
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Probably a GF who has a primary of her own. The entire time we were together, I felt like it was on my shoulders to make her happy. She felt comfortable and loving with my fiance from the beginning,and he with her, and it was early on decided that it was mainly my problems with "being close to people" that prevented me from being acting in unison with my fiance as a primary to her. And this (it as decided) was why she was unhappy.

I felt incredibly inadequate, stressed and unhappy. Each time there was sort of an explosion of unhappiness in her, when she would try to break up with us, and my fiance would convince her to stay, that things would be different, I would feel huge amounts of pressure heaped upon me to "be close". At the same instant, I felt such pressure to make her happy and such a lack of trust that she could be happy and that she wanted to be in this relationship, that I couldn't be close. It was decided that it was the lack of development in GF's and my relationship that made her unhappy.

So GF and fiance became closer and closer. And I let them, because I knew he wanted it and I felt like the defective one, and I felt my unhappiness signified that I was the defective one among the three of us. The level of care and affection and emotional intimacy he used to have for me transferred in a big way to her, caring for her, keeping her happy by bits and pieces in this relationship she never really wanted, never really believed would work for her. I guess that he thought I knew I had him and should feel secure in that, and therefore did not require as much care (or possibly deserve it, since I was the one doing something wrong)

I'm beginning to see all these things in retrospect more clearly, and it's starting to make me angry. He was concerned if I would be good to him for the rest of our lives, as he has been grieving. As in, would I be as good to him as GF has been in the several months we have been dating her, the several months during which he has showered an enormous amount of care and affection on her, had a lack of the mundane conflicts that long term relationships bring, and basically aligned himself with her in finding problems with how I performed in this relationship.

I think he has been selfish, honestly.

He is not the only wondering if someone will be good to someone over the course of a marriage.

I'm going to have to find something else to do with my anger other than talk to him about it right now. He is too fragile with the grief.
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  #12  
Old 04-12-2011, 02:10 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Poor you! Please note you just received a virtual hug.

Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
As in, would I be as good to him as GF has been in the several months we have been dating her, the several months during which he has showered an enormous amount of care and affection on her, had a lack of the mundane conflicts that long term relationships bring, and basically aligned himself with her in finding problems with how I performed in this relationship.
This actually produced a giant 'YIKES' reaction in me. Performance is a word that should not be coupled with sex, love or relationships. The fact that you felt it was your performance that was somehow under evaluation sounds just really wrong and unfair.

I am being super-cautious with my tree right now. I have decided it's her who needs the girlfriend and I will be her gf first and their gf second, in part to avoid some of the problems you mentioned your ex was having.

How does all this impact your wedding I wonder?
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  #13  
Old 04-12-2011, 02:25 PM
koifish koifish is offline
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I hope the wedding is still going forward. I'm continuing with it as if it is. Two things need to happen before then:

My fiance needs to be through his grieving process enough so that he can love me openly and be happy on our wedding day. I need to have been able to talk about him about my anger and resentment about this relationship and have it resolved. We're talking a month way. Yikes.
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  #14  
Old 04-12-2011, 02:26 PM
koifish koifish is offline
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Thank you for the hug!
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  #15  
Old 04-12-2011, 02:58 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Would you be "as good to him"?!?!?!?!?!

You are TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

Don't marry this man.
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  #16  
Old 04-12-2011, 03:17 PM
koifish koifish is offline
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I've got my faults, too.:-) Honest to god. But working on them.

For example, we had a lot of conflict over the wedding planning during all this with me not listening enough to what he wanted (I am not a bridezilla, btw :-) - i just wanted a celebration of sorts, where he wanted extremely small and private) and him being pretty untrustworthy about getting stuff done in response. At many times I was a shitty non-listener.

I think a lot of us carry a lot of weird stuff from childhood, things that were done to us, ways we were taught to behave. I see this non-listening behavior in both my parents.

One thing I don't regret about this relationship with GF is all the learning that went on. It's sort of a pressure cooker that brings to light insights about problems you weren't really aware of before and then it's sink or swim in figuring them out. So I swam with a lot of things. Learned a lot.
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  #17  
Old 04-12-2011, 04:28 PM
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How do I write this tactfully? I think that you have to work out your feelings before you get married. ("You" plural [you and your fiancÚ], but also "you" singular [koifish].) I'm reading between the lines here and am admittedly rather confused. I contributed 2 comments on your other thread: " I was just outed involuntarily 5 weeks before my wedding" which you asked the moderators to close before resolving your problem.

(Or do you now consider it resolved because the GF has left the relationship, making the being outed "irrelevant"?)

A few quotes from that thread:
"My fiance and I have known each other for 15 years. Last fall we became involved with a woman.
They all
[your parents and your step-mother] say they are sad and disappointed and question why we are getting are getting married, even. They say the idea of our marriage has really been tarnished in their eyes and that when we have people come to our wedding who don't know about our third, that we are lying to them and betraying them. One of them said she specifically does not want our third at the wedding."

"My fiance now feels compelled to out us to his parents. This is horrible. I'm scared. [...] I don't know if his parents will want their financial contribution back. This will leave us with very little money for any kind of reception."

"I hope we decide we can wait to tell my fiance's parents so we can avoid that much more turmoil. [...] Right now I do not want to have to tell his parents. They are lovely and sweet and very religious and right now I love his dad more than my dad and they love me."

"I have to admit that I feel ashamed. Ashamed that other people know we've been doing this. My fiance is good at holding his head high. He'll even tell his parents, he says, before the wedding, and he doesn't worry about the consequences.
Me, I'm hanging my head right now. I am afraid for his family to know. They're important to me and their disapproval would bother me a whole lot. I like them more than most of my family.
I'm afraid of the unknown of telling them weeks before our wedding. I just have a hard time believing everything will be okay. It feels more like stepping off a cliff."

"Is this worth risking my relationships to my family over?"


And about your triad:
"She wants to be on completely equal standing with us right now, and always has, so the wedding sort of constantly upsets her. We were engaged 9 months before we met her.
When it's good with us, it's good. But that has been well under half the time."

"I care very much for our third and so does my fiance."

"I don't know if I am cut out for this. You may have read my other posts about being sick and polyamorous."


One of the pieces of advice I gave you on that thread was:
"[Don't] make your in-laws feel that you were being sneaky and dishonest by keeping quiet until after they'd paid for the show. The way things are now, they will find out someday. Wouldn't it be better to be honest and trust to their affection? Otherwise they will resent. [...] I think that if I were one of your fiancÚ's parents, financed the wedding, and then found out that you had kept us in the dark, partly out of fear that we would not pay for it if you'd been honest with us, I would feel manipulated and well pissed off!"

So... I have a few questions:
1) You've known your fiancÚ for 15 years, and you've been engaged what? 15 months? For how long were you a couple before you became engaged?
I bring this up because (you know this) there's this thing called NRE which would mean that your fiancÚ would be - for a while - more excited with a new relationship (about 6 months old at the time she called it quits?) than with someone that he's been loving for years. But - reading between the lines - you seem quite young to me, and I doubt that all those 15 years of "knowing each other" were as a couple.

2) Have you really changed your feelings towards the GF that much? (On the other thread, you had your doubts, but "When it's good with us, it's good. [...] I care very much for our third and so does my fiance." whereas on this thread you haven't got one good thing to say about her inclusion in the relationship.) Or is it that you were "putting on a brave face" before, whereas now you're being more honest with yourself about your pain and your dissatisfaction with the triad?

3) Are you poly... or were you just going along with your fiancÚ's wishes? (This isn't meant to be judgemental, believe me: There's no shame in declaring that polyamory isn't for you. And I think that both you and your fiancÚ need to be clear about this before you take the big step of getting married.)

4) Just how much of your present negative feelings about the GF's role in the triad are really due to this sense of shame (in the face of family and friends) about admitting that you're poly?

5) There's a common feeling re: budding poly relationships: "Am I not enough for him/her? Why does (s)he need another love?" Your parents (and stepmother) obviously ask themselves this question about your relationship with your fiancÚ. My question: Do you ask it? Even subconsciously?

+++

I have had a LOT of experience of listening to others' emotional crises. In the beginning, I would listen to A crying about how B was treating A really badly, and I'd agree that B was a real shit. Then I'd hear B's side of the story, and I'd see that B wasn't really such a shit. B had their reasons...

This happened often enough so that nowadays, my attitude is: "Wow, A! I feel for you. That sounds rough!... But what's B's take on this?" And even if I never hear A's side of the story, I'm aware that A has one.

I'd really like to read your fiancÚ's and the GF's feelings about all this.

I come back to the following point because it might save a lot of future heartache - and expensive dealings with lawyers:
Please, please! Do not go through with this wedding until you've got some basis issues well worked out and understood by both of you!

I apologise if I come across as the heavy guy. I wish you the best. Believe me. (I wouldn't have spent the last hour composing this comment if I didn't.)
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-12-2011 at 10:43 PM.
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  #18  
Old 04-12-2011, 04:39 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I thought I was the one who was being the "heavy guy".

I think I said in the other thread (maybe not) that it would be grooovy to hear the other side(s) of this story.

However, what you need to do is make decisions that are RIGHT for YOURSELF, and don't get married or decide not to get married because of other people's opinions or your families' expectations. So far, it sounds like your crises stem from "what will everyone THINK if I do this or that?"

You have to decide what's right for YOU, and start putting yourself first in your life.
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  #19  
Old 04-12-2011, 04:44 PM
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MrFFR, dude, please use darker colors if you're gonna do the fancy formatting. My eyes are still recovering from the acid green.

ETA by Neon: I changed the "acid" green to a darker green and moved the hijacky posts to another thread.

Koifish, the closer it gets to the wedding date, the more disastrous and havoc-wrecking cancelling it will be. The pooch is already screwed here. Now does not seem a good time to get married.

At this point, the wedding seems more about the event than the relationship, which ain't good.

Why do you want to get married now? I think this is a really important question.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-12-2011 at 10:44 PM. Reason: typo
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  #20  
Old 04-12-2011, 06:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
I think he has been selfish, honestly.

He is not the only wondering if someone will be good to someone over the course of a marriage.

I'm going to have to find something else to do with my anger other than talk to him about it right now. He is too fragile with the grief.
Oh, puh-leez! You need to talk to him about it. NOW. Before you say your vows. Why defer to his grief for her, when he has been incredibly selfish and outright mean to you? If I were you, I would consider postponing the wedding until you work out these very very important issues in your relationship. He doesn't seem to know how to be kind and loving to you, much less able to handle polyamory.

Ecch! I'm so sorry you felt you had to put up with his shitty treatment of you!

He should come here and post his side, too.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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