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  #71  
Old 04-11-2011, 06:03 AM
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WTF??? What happened? I thought you two were moving toward some sort of better, more mindful place where things were being repaired. Wasn't that the point of moving out, making all those lists, working on stuff together and separately?

How can he hate GG after he saw the good things he did for the family when your daughter was having her baby? Didn't Maca praise and express appreciation for GG when he saw what a stand-up guy he is?

What could have caused this turn-around, I wonder? Do you think he's being influenced by someone with poisonous opinions?

Omigosh, I am so sorry, LR!!! But don't make any decisions now, really, you're in no state for decision-making. Just be. I wouldn't break it off with GG if I were you, he has always been so supportive, don't leave yourself dangling with no one.

(((((((BIG, GIANT HUGS)))))))
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  #72  
Old 04-11-2011, 10:13 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
My heart is broken.
I have lost faith in relationships.
I have lost faith in trying.
I've lost hope.

If it wouldn't be more devastating for the kids, I'd end the relationship with GG as well. I simply don't want to have a romantic relationship at all. However, I think that GG and I can manage to terminate the romantic relationship without him having to abandon the family. So, that is what I intend to do.
Oh fuck, this is bad.

Distance & time. Don't make life-altering decisions right now. If you break up with anyone at this point it might be hard to take back later.
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  #73  
Old 04-11-2011, 10:25 PM
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Originally Posted by ray View Post
I'm so sorry, LR. (((Hugs)))
Thank you. Right now a real life hug would be amazing. Don't get me wrong, the kids rock at giving them random (and kisses) but it's not really reasonable to break down and sob on your kids shoulder.

[QUOTE=nycindie;75675]
Quote:
WTF??? What happened? I thought you two were moving toward some sort of better, more mindful place where things were being repaired. Wasn't that the point of moving out, making all those lists, working on stuff together and separately?
That's what I thought too. But, he started pulling away and distancing himself from me-beyond that. He cancelled our date night Friday. Blew off the goal meeting Saturday. I asked him (in tears) yesterday about it, told him it felt like he was shutting me out and I didn't know what I'd done wrong.
He informed me that he was shutting me out and that he simply doesn't want to see or hear anything about my relationship with GG.

Near the end I was telling him that I understand how hard it is to let go of the past and forgive someone so you can move on because I had to decide to do that with him. I had to face the fact that to be with him meant accepting and forgiving completely, because every day it's his hands that touch me, the same hands that raped me, his body, his face, all the same that raped me. If I didn't actually face down the whole thing and work through every issue, there's no way I could have come back to him all of those years ago and spent all of these years with him.
He got vindictive and spat out at me, "Yeah, but I don't rape you every day." I shut the door and he sped out of here, truck spitting gravel in the air.

What I didn't say was, "You're right and I haven't cheated, lied, or dishonored you in any way since September 25th, 2009. But, I'm still suffering the punishment of your hatred."

Quote:
How can he hate GG after he saw the good things he did for the family when your daughter was having her baby?
I guess you'll have to ask him that. In my opinion the answer is becuase it's easier to hate GG than it is to admit that he's responsible for his own life and if it sucks, it's his own fault. If his relationships are failing, one after another, it's his own fault. It's easier to blame the scapegoat (GG) then face that he's choosing to destroy his life.
BUT-that's just my opinion.

Quote:
Didn't Maca praise and express appreciation for GG when he saw what a stand-up guy he is?
Yes, yes he did.

Quote:
What could have caused this turn-around, I wonder? Do you think he's being influenced by someone with poisonous opinions?
He does this so repeatedly its like a fucking merry-go-round. Every couple of weeks. When he's forced to face the facts, he knows that GG IS a stand up guy, DOES love everyone in this family and HAS CONTINUED to put everything he has into helping this family, the WHOLE family survive-Maca included.
BUT-when he's forced to face that HE HAS TO ADMIT THAT HE FUCKED UP HIS OWN RELATIONSHIPS, he flees in the face of the work that goes along with fixing himself and suddenly it's all about hating GG again.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Oh fuck, this is bad.

Distance & time. Don't make life-altering decisions right now. If you break up with anyone at this point it might be hard to take back later.
I did break it off with GG. He's being completely understanding that what I need from him now-is a friend, not a lover.

Thankfully, in that one relationship, I choose well. I choose a man who understands that just because you can't be a couple at a given moment doesn't mean you don't love each other
AND
just because you love each other doesn't mean that you're capable of being together at any given moment.

He's committed to the family, not to the sexual aspect of our relationship. He's helping me get the rest of the stuff out of the garage, then we're going to convert it to a bedroom for me.
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  #74  
Old 04-12-2011, 02:26 AM
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Sorry to hear this LR

I've got to ask something and you don't need to answer. Why did you break it off with GG? RP says she understands but I am at a loss as to how this helps. I know GG understands but is it really fair to him?

I hope you are ok.

Take care Pretty Lady
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  #75  
Old 04-12-2011, 03:15 AM
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Lots of love to you and all your family LR. I totally get why you would break it off with GG. To me my men are a merge of each other in a lot of ways. I have a joke that when I want them both to come I call them by the merge of their names. I get it.
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  #76  
Old 04-12-2011, 03:16 AM
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No, it's not fair to him. But it's also not fair to him or anyone else for me to not be "real".
Real right now is that I'm in no position to uphold the responsibilities of being a girlfriend.
Our relationship is based on the reality that we're committed to each other for life-regardless of what DYNAMIC we have.

So, to quote GG, "the dynamic has changed, that's all".

It's changed many times, it may change many more.
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  #77  
Old 04-12-2011, 03:23 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Lots of love to you and all your family LR. I totally get why you would break it off with GG. To me my men are a merge of each other in a lot of ways. I have a joke that when I want them both to come I call them by the merge of their names. I get it.
Very much so. I love both of them. When you take one away, I fall apart. Maca doesn't get it at all. He can't understand why I would "break up with GG when I'm out of the picture" as he said.
But, that's the point I suppose-he doesn't get it.

He's writing me today about how he knows he's fucked up blah blah blah, but we've been down this road before. I love him, but to quote someone else,

"the time for words is over, the time for action has long since arrived."
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  #78  
Old 04-12-2011, 10:38 AM
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I just want to tell you LR how much I admire you. I come from a culture which places a huge emphasis on family closeness and responsibility. It warms me to my core to see someone (not just you, others on this forum too) really put their family first.

I totally get the temporary break-up with GG. You've weathered 18 (?) years, this is just a different phase in your relationship.
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  #79  
Old 04-12-2011, 11:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Right now a real life hug would be amazing.
Sorry, but my arms aren't that long. Will you take a rain check? (Hold me to this - it's waiting for you.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It's easier to blame the scapegoat (GG) than face that he's choosing to destroy his life.

BUT-when he's forced to face that HE HAS TO ADMIT THAT HE FUCKED UP HIS OWN RELATIONSHIPS, he flees in the face of the work that goes along with fixing himself and suddenly it's all about hating GG again.
This sucks! But it's so human.

I haven't read all of your earlier stuff, so the bit about rape comes as a real shock to me. It seems that Maca is now in that stereotype position of the divorced father who hasn't got to deal with the day-to-day problems (Are the kids eating healthily? Are they treating each other well? How are they coping with the break-up?...), gets to show up when it suits him (OK, I suppose that you've worked out a schedule... but just who's holding the fort if "something came up"?), take them for a hamburger, an ice-cream (maybe not in your climate just now), a movie... and come across as "Dear Daddy!" who's fun!!!, while you're the sergeant-major who lays down the rules at home.

Easy to complain that you only talk about problems when he's skipped out on the problems...
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I did break it off with GG. He's being completely understanding that what I need from him now-is a friend, not a lover.

Thankfully, in that one relationship, I choose well. I choose a man who understands that just because you can't be a couple at a given moment doesn't mean you don't love each other
AND
just because you love each other doesn't mean that you're capable of being together at any given moment.

He's committed to the family, not to the sexual aspect of our relationship. He's helping me get the rest of the stuff out of the garage, then we're going to convert it to a bedroom for me.
This bit makes me both happy and sad. Happy that you've got somebody who's not going to abandon you or the family because he doesn't get his ration of nookie. Sad because I agree with another poster that it's a decision made in haste (no, sorry: this has been dragging on, I know) and it seems - to me - that you're making GG (and yourself?) pay for Maca's sins.

I hope that you both consider this a temporary break-up. (But in that case, wouldn't you have used the wording: "I told GG that I needed to back off for a while, to put the sex on hold, to concentrate on myself...")

I remember your writing that GG held you while you cried the night that Maca walked out. I hope that that's still possible between you two, because you do need hugs.

[Pass on a message to GG (you wrote that he doesn't log in here that often) from MFFR: "Please, Mister! Give this woman a hug from me." (This does not count as a debit on your account with me. And tell GG that this one doesn't count as a debit on your account with him, either. It's a freebee!)]

And LR: Give GG a hug from me as well: he deserves it! (You're now studying Maths, right? This makes TWO [separate] hugs!)

p.s. I read this thread after I sent you the PM.
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  #80  
Old 04-12-2011, 07:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I just want to tell you LR how much I admire you. I come from a culture which places a huge emphasis on family closeness and responsibility. It warms me to my core to see someone (not just you, others on this forum too) really put their family first.

I totally get the temporary break-up with GG. You've weathered 18 (?) years, this is just a different phase in your relationship.
Yes. We've weathered 18 crazy, fun-filled, sometimes heartbreaking, definitely full of learning experiences years.
We know that our souls are connected in a way that simply won't be undone. We accept that in order for our lives to remain connected as well-we have to be willing to go with the ebb and flow, move with the tides so to speak.

He took the couch, made his bed, cleaned his room and set it up the way I would prefer so that I could have some privacy and personal space while I struggle through my hurts.
He's helping me create a room for me out of the garage.
He's patiently caring for me from whatever distance I need in order to feel the CARE and not feel pressured.
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