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  #21  
Old 04-01-2011, 07:49 PM
younglove younglove is offline
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Let me start by saying I am glad I posted. This is a good community of people that can relate to this experience and have given me a lot insight. I don't feel so crazy for being confused about this situation.

So there's been a new development in the mix. I really love this guy and want him to be happy, so I am kind of torn. I introduced him to a girlfriend of mine and they really hit it off. She doesn't know about the situation at all. I wonder if he will pursue things with her. I am a little miserable because I know helping him find what he's looking for is ultimately going to end our romantic relationship. Its really hard for me but I think red pepper had a point of letting him be free. If he comes back to me he will have realized his feelings a bit more and also that the cookie cutter life of marriage and kids just the way he wants it isn't necessarily going to happen in some perfect idealized way... who knows. I think this will be challenging for me. I think my biggest hope is that we still remain friends and I still spend time with him.

Wish me luck. :-)

PS. He's been my boyfriend a brief amount of time. Like a little more than a month. I wish it could turn long term but I don't think at this time it would happen.
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  #22  
Old 04-01-2011, 09:23 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by younglove View Post
PS. He's been my boyfriend a brief amount of time. Like a little more than a month. I wish it could turn long term but I don't think at this time it would happen.
So BF and I met online. He maintained that we enjoyed each other's company, but he would ultimately like to find a mono girl to be with. He'd keep me updated if he met anyone else online, but he didn't actually have any dates.

We just kept enjoying each other's company ... and then about four months in, he removed his profile online and said he was not interested in meeting anyone else.

My point is, a month is not enough time for him to figure out if you're someone he'd like to make a serious commitment to. Give it time, and enjoy what you have for now.
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  #23  
Old 04-03-2011, 01:13 AM
younglove younglove is offline
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When you said enjoyed your time together four months was he showing his feelings? Because mine is so guarded lately that he's acting differently. He still wants to hangout but he has issues showing affection or interest. Even if we hang out all day and not in public he's holding back a lot and he does want to go on dates and probably will. He says he never stops thinking about wanting a girlfriend and believes I cannot be his definition of girlfriend. Knowing he can "never move in with me" or intorduce me to his family makes him want to not let his feelings get any deeper, yet if I ask him if he wants to "break up" he's hesitant to call it quits. I feel because he doesn't wanna hurt me. I think I may have to walk away since he's choosing to avoid fully enjoying time now. I feel like I give and give my love, but get 50% back. Maybe. When he's in the mood. I wish he could take a risk on this relationship instead of holding on but holding back.
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  #24  
Old 04-03-2011, 03:01 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Yes, he was affectionate to me.

I doubt he's staying in this relationship to avoid hurting you. It's sounding more like he has feelings, but is trying to deny them, and can't make a break from you either.

It think his holding back is an attempt to control his emotions. i.e. "If I hold back my actions, I won't continue to develop deeper feelings for her." We both know this won't work.

So what do you do? It's hard to say. I'm always one for laying things out, and going from there. It sounds like doing so with this gent might scare him away? Perhaps wait for him. Don't withdraw the amount of love you're showing, but don't push for more. Let him come to terms with what he's dealing with, while showing him you're still there and are prepared to wait for him.

If that's how you feel.
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  #25  
Old 04-03-2011, 03:21 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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I wrote the parts of uncertainty because I have to live in his world of cants.
Listen to the musn'ts, child
Listen to the don'ts
Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts
Listen to the never haves
Then listen close to me;
Anything can happen, child
Anything can be

-Shel Silverstein
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  #26  
Old 04-04-2011, 12:11 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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If he comes back to me he will have realized his feelings a bit more and also that the cookie cutter life of marriage and kids just the way he wants it isn't necessarily going to happen in some perfect idealized way... who knows.
A friend of mine once explained to me why it is so hard for women to date.

"You see, us girls, whenever we meet a nice guy, three weeks into the relationship, we're thinking what our children would look like. And what their names could be. And whether we'll be having terrible rows over what the names of the children should be. And whether we should keep our own surname, or if it would be nicer to take theirs. And what kind of dress we'd like for our wedding reception. And all the time we're thinking this, the guy is thinking; 'Great. Let's see how it goes. If things continue this good, I might soon change my relationship status in Facebook. Like, in a few months.'"

Don't live your relationship with him or even his relationship with this friend of yours out before it's even started. Who knows, life might soon be serving you cookie cutter marriage with kids. Although now I identify as bi-poly, who knows - feelings change. Although I'd say the chances of me living in a monogamous marriage with a man in ten years are smaller than the chances of me being struck by a lightning (and only slightly better chances to catch me in a similar situation with a woman), it's based on my current estimate of who I am. Your guy might change. You might change. Your hubby might. If you agonize over possible future scenarios going by what you know and feel now, it's a like playing poker without knowing exactly how many cards are in the deck - pointless.
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  #27  
Old 04-04-2011, 11:29 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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If you agonize over possible future scenarios going by what you know and feel now, it's a like playing poker without knowing exactly how many cards are in the deck - pointless.
That's what I'm talking about right there. In fact was just now talking about it with Catfish.

-R
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  #28  
Old 04-09-2011, 03:06 AM
younglove younglove is offline
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So I really enjoyed the shel silverstein post. Also the statement about the pointlessness of worrying about the future.

Since my last post, I decided to take a little bit of time away from him. Not that much really, but we were spending a lot of time together. So we waited 5 days before we saw each other *which I realize isn't that much* but it was enough. Enough in the sense that we were both REALLY excited to see each other... He didn't hold back as much, I mean it's possible he was "holding back" from kissing me endlessly... but that's nothing something I care about necessarily. He was at least affectionate and sweet and his eyes did not lie about his feelings when I looked in them.

I have decided I am not going to hold back my feelings for him, but I don't want to smother him either. I painted him a painting and framed it and wrapped it and gave it to him yesterday. He loved it a lot. On the back of the paper in the frame, I wrote a short but simple message that told him I was willing to accept reality, whatever it changes to, but that I am still willing to hold on to my optimistic feelings his love will shine through. I also said it can't be helped where you find love.

We ended up talking, but enjoyably, about the situation and point of views for maybe 2 hours. It was nice getting to share my point of view in that things in the future are possible, not limiting, but that we also have to take it slow and not think about the future so much.

I ended up really realizing, maybe him more so realizing actually, that he is just scared of getting hurt again. His mom passed away from cancer when he was 10, and he's struggled with abandonment issues since. He just hates it when people he loves leave him. He has a huge wall up. This makes me apprehensive because I don't believe that it's anyone's job to make another person happy. He maybe is not ready for a relationship (of any kind) until he can realize that his wall hurts himself more than anyone. It leaves him thinking he's vulnerable, when really he needs to be strong without holding back on passion for life.

His ultimate reason for not wanting a relationship with me at this point is

-it's hard, difficult, unpredictable
-afraid that my husband will change his mind and our relationship could be cut short
- that he won't be able to fully fall in love with me or give me 100% and that he may still have an eye out for other women
- he isn't really comfortable with my being married, like he feels weird to hold a married womans hand. His idea of marriage is between one woman and one man, so he doesn't agree fundamentally (despite his declaration of being an atheist) that a spiritual marriage is possible between the two of us (because of my involvement with someone else)

To these issues, I explained:

- every relationship is hard, difficult, and unpredictable
- that my husband is aware and respectful of his feelings and has agreed to be fully honest and understanding of his involvement and would not end it like that after giving permission and accepting him for who he is.
- that 100% love can take time based on people's levels of trust and comfort, and that I can respect however much time he needs for him to feel safe in being himself and giving himself to me however much he can
- an eye for other women is strange to me because he claims he's monogamous so if he actually gave the situation a chance and "dated" me, he'd be monogamous..
- he needs to not worry about the future. Take it one day at a time. If he was considering marriage at some point in the future, he would have accepted the situation.


Ultimately I feel like my instincts are telling me to stick around and wait it out. When I get the feeling that there is no hope or nothing to be gained by sticking around, I may have to move on and let the relationship develop into friends. Since yesterday, I really felt he's letting himself feel it a little more than recently and cuddled me and hugged me more and just enjoyed spending time with me. He likes me a lot and despite all his talk of interest in "other girls" he has made no move towards going on a date with anybody else, and in some situations talks about wanting to be single to find himself if he's not going to be with me.
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  #29  
Old 04-09-2011, 12:36 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Wow, that sounds like a really great talk!

I know Mr. A struggled with "other man" feelings for probably five months. He said the thing that helped him the most was developing a friendship with Indigo. I imagine that this would also help your guy feel a little more secure in your relationship. Such things take time though, and it doesn't sound like he's ready, yet. Patience! Such good news!
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  #30  
Old 04-11-2011, 09:35 PM
younglove younglove is offline
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Well I come to you now... to say that he's acting strange maybe every other time I see him. Some days, he wants to cuddle and hang around me with all the looks and hints of affection. Other times he's not very interested in having "too much fun" and often retreats to things he's comfortable with, leaving me bored and restless, waiting for the real him to resurface. Alas, I am realizing that if his feelings are so fleeting, that perhaps this isn't the best situation for me.

I have always thought that being "in love" was something that needed to be mutual. You never get the full experience of a healthy relationship with someone unless you get all the bells and whistles of feeling the love returned. His wavering heart, effort, appreciation, and in some ways respect has me feeling a little foolish, but that is NRE for you. I keep thinking back to my dating rules when I was single, and I think I may have broken a few of them. I do not like to waste my time on someone that's not really into me...

So, I will linger in the background, remembering some of the better times, but still living in the reality that is his fleeting love for me. I am strong enough to move past this, and adapt to what I need. I have a huge long list of things to do for myself anyway, and the distraction that is this confusing chaotic situation is not helping.

Will keep updated, just for those who may be in my situation - if not now, then later.

never settle!
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