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  #61  
Old 04-06-2011, 04:03 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I find that I don't WANT to make the effort to make friends. Because I keep realizing that the people I'm opening myself to, are more committed to being comfortable and accepted, than they are to being honest and real.
Present company excepted, I hope! I know that it's only a fledgling on-line friendship (so far), but I do hope that we're being honest with each other.
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It's so emotionally taxing that the only people who I don't feel that way with-who aren't family (my family and Maca's are totally accepting) are in the lower 48 or other countries.
(my added underlining) Oh, so there's hope for me after all...
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Today, Maca gets a series of texts telling him that this person is reluctant to get "reattached" to us (due to our relationship issues & that we are planning to move)........

We're talking about a FRIENDSHIP first of all.
Second of all-if you are reluctant, why are you repeatedly inviting us for more time to spend face to face "strengthening" the friendship.
Third-why didn't you bring that up before someone else started having a temper tantrum.

I really like this person. I like the fact that they are cool with kids being around (have one of their own)... I like the conversations we have.

But..... I just cant' get past the apparent lack of full honesty.......
2 possibilities occur to me:
a) Your "3rd person" is interested in more than "just friendship"... and your making clear to the meddling tenants (MTs: hey! just read that out loud...) that you're not looking for more has cooled that interest.

b) You're a stronger person than this person, and they can't deal as firmly with the MTs as you can. (The MTs do seem to be the sort that keep picking at old scabs again and again, but maybe the 3rd person is new to this particular tantrum... Added to which, they all live under the same roof! Hard to avoid frequent contact.) ITC (In this case), practice patience with spineless scaredycats who have some redeeming features. (But tell them - and the MTs - that you won't stand for a lot of this nonsense!)
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
On top of ALL of that-I've addressed this issue NUMEROUS TIMES since last June with this person and her SO. That in fact the 3rd party whom I have a tentative friendship with-is JUST A FUCKING FRIEND.
I do so hope, Muh Deeyah, that you didn't use exactly that choice of words! Talk about contradictory messages...
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  #62  
Old 04-07-2011, 03:32 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Ok Mr,
that last line was just hysterically funny.

In truth the 3rd person is potentially interested in more, and I'm sure you haven't been able to read my blog THAT FAR BACK-it'd take you a year! But, she knows that am potentially interested in more with her as well.

HOWEVER-not right now.

I'm a...
....
...
needy lover (for lack of a better word).

I don't want a lover if I can't see them at least a couple times a week EVERY WEEK as a rule of thumb.
This person is available for a face to face visit a couple times a month if I'm lucky.

I can do that limitation with FRIENDS - but I'm not interested in doing that with a lover.

As for the MT's-well, I honestly think that the issue is that THEY are interested in more with her AND with Maca. They aren't getting more with EITHER-so they're frightened and intimidated by our "budding" friendship.

One of the things that struck me was the comment about "new relationships".
This isn't a "new" relationship. We've been building this friendship since June of last year!

And the she in question does happen to be a more.. conservative person in the sense that she isn't as outspoken as I am by half. She did set down some boundaries so to speak after the fact (which I found out about after I wrote on here). I'm just a bit... more outspoken and to the point, she's more polite, gentle and likely to nudge where I'll toss ya off the diving board.

As for friends, I am quite honest-sometimes brutally so I've been told.
And yes,
I seem quite capable of making friends online.

I honestly think that part of the issue is that people are more willing and able to be honest online (with their REAL lives in anonymity) than they are in real life. If you know what I mean.

That's fine-until you are face to face. Then it gets a bit complicated.
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  #63  
Old 04-07-2011, 06:11 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
As for friends, I am quite honest-sometimes brutally so I've been told.
And yes,
I seem quite capable of making friends online.

I honestly think that part of the issue is that people are more willing and able to be honest online (with their REAL lives in anonymity) than they are in real life. If you know what I mean.

That's fine-until you are face to face. Then it gets a bit complicated.
Soooooooo............. let's see how honest we can be with each other (but not necessarily brutal, you know how I feel about BDSM) when you come to visit. Keep practicing the long walks with SourPea! You got any mountains to practice on?
J
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If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #64  
Old 04-07-2011, 10:12 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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We do have mountains to practice on, but not til the snow melts. I don't own skis or snowshoes.
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  #65  
Old 04-09-2011, 11:50 PM
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Lame weekend.

Maca cancelled our Friday date on account of his room having a twin size bed and both of us having back pain.

He came out today to pick the kids up. We sat here together (the two of us) for an awkward and stilted couple of hours. Now they're on the way to town.

Today is 18 years for GG and I. He's on call for work and has to go out later to do some work stuff. No plans.

So-just a lame day, lame weekend, lame week.

Suffice it to say, I'm not looking forward to the rest of the month either.
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  #66  
Old 04-10-2011, 01:10 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Hugs!
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  #67  
Old 04-10-2011, 02:29 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default *WARNING!! TMI about time of the month issues*

Thanks. I had a nice talk on the phone with my mom today. GG is working on printing up my mom's invitations to her graduation (college), so she can send them out this week. She's pretty excited.

Unfortunately, my sister brought it to my attention that my stepmother sent our oldest son a FB message. Told him that my dad and her deposited money in his bank account (bday gift). That would be fine, except they neglected to even call the younger son for his bday (in February) and we have always had a TIGHT rule on playing favorites particularly since we have a "his, mine and ours" household. It just creates animosity between the kids.

Soooooo, now there's this stupid mess to talk about.

Maca told me Thursday that the reason he doesn't talk to me is because I always want to talk about "problems"...

I'm so frustrated. I don't want to talk about problems. It's just OUR JOB TO RESOLVE the damn problems in our family, how the hell do we do that together if we don't talk about it?

I feel like sitting down to cry. I'd go take a bath, but the hormones FINALLY got around to starting my time of the month and the idea of sitting in icky water.... well that's icky.

I don't know what to say to Maca right now.

I understand we need time to "just be" (which is what our Friday nights are supposed to be, "date night"). But, there's also a lot of fucking shit that needs to be dealt with in order for our family to be able to get on track together. PLUS all of the NORMAL day to day b.s. that has to be negotiated and handled in a family....
What the hell am I supposed to do? I just don't know.

I don't feel like I can say ANYTHING now. If I say ANYTHING-it's going to relate somehow to a "problem" we need to deal with... but the other option is to "surface" the conversations into 1st or 2nd level (reference from The 7 Levels of Intimacy book by Matthew Kelly) of intimacy, which is basically worthless in terms of a deep meaningful relationship.

I admittedly feel pretty fucking hopeless right now regarding our relationship-which in turn impacts everything else in my life.

It's GG and my's anniversary. But, honestly, what I really want to do tonite is have a drink, curl up in my sleeping bag and go to sleep.... by myself. I don't feel like being someone's lover. I just want to be alone.


That doesn't seem so fair to GG. But, it may be what I do anyway, because it's my job to take care of me right?
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  #68  
Old 04-10-2011, 04:01 AM
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Hmm. LR, first of all to say someone is "always" doing this or that is obviously an exaggeration. Of course, that's not all you talk about, but you are the manager of the household, a 24-hour job, and need to discuss things with your partners.

And besides, you don't have to hold back and censor what you need to talk about just because Maca is uncomfortable with hearing it. At the risk of sounding kinda funny and convoluted, his problem with your "always" talking about "problems" is just that -- his problem, but he's tried to make it your problem, as if you now need to change your behavior. But that's a passive-aggressive way to get out of the responsibility of listening to you, truly hearing what you have to say, and doing what needs to be done. I don't think he did this purposely, he's probably just not comfortable with consistently looking at issues, I guess.

But really, as long as you communicate clearly and lovingly, you shouldn't have to change a thing. Why doesn't he try changing his perspective and approach to hearing what you need to tell him? Since he is the one who sees your need to discuss important family and relationship matters as a problem, I would say he's the one who need to work on it.


((((BIG HUGS))))
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-10-2011 at 04:19 AM.
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  #69  
Old 04-11-2011, 05:21 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I don't believe that there's much point in saying I'm in a poly-relationship anymore.
Maca has acknowledged to me today that he is in fact distancing himself from me and pulling away from me. He says it's because he doesn't want to see (or hear about) my relationship with GG.

I'm hurt.

Our conversation ended when he said, "I don't rape you every day". Yes, that's true. But, I don't cheat or lie every day either. In fact I haven't done so in 18 months and he's acknowledged that he has continued to struggle with being fully honest with me.

He doesn't see the comparison, I can't not see the comparison.
It's beyond destructive for me that he continues to excuse his past mistakes by saying that he doesn't do it anymore.
But, he can't forgive me my past mistakes even though he knows I don't do it anymore either.

I don't see any way to resolve our differences. I've searched and attempted to find ways that I can change to make things easier for him. I've tried to help him find ways to learn to deal with me.

But, the bottom line is-he hates GG. He believes he has every right to hate GG, which is true. I believe that hating GG is only destroying our lives, which is also true. There's nothing left for me to do.

After he sped out of the driveway this evening, leaving our kids in emotional upheaval again, I texted him that from now on we can make exchanges of the kids somewhere else, but I don't want him to come back to the house or driveway anymore.

My heart is broken.
I have lost faith in relationships.
I have lost faith in trying.
I've lost hope.

If it wouldn't be more devastating for the kids, I'd end the relationship with GG as well. I simply don't want to have a romantic relationship at all. However, I think that GG and I can manage to terminate the romantic relationship without him having to abandon the family. So, that is what I intend to do.
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  #70  
Old 04-11-2011, 05:41 AM
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I'm so sorry, LR. (((Hugs)))
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