I'm Afraid My Fiance Is Thinking Of Leaving Me
We had been in a triad and our girlfriend broke up with us a couple weeks ago. She was not happy in the relationship. She needed really to have a primary partner rather than dating a couple. I knew she was unhappy for a long time, and it really ruined the relationship for me. I could never tell when the next upset was coming and I lost trust and was worn out from all the reassurance that I gave that she could, in fact be happy, in this relationship. I stayed in the relationship partly out of not wanting to rock the boat and partly out of wanted my fiance to be happy and have what he wanted and partly hoping that because the thing works in theory that it would work for us. I am bi, by the way.
My fiance really loves her, and really enjoyed his relationship with her. While that was going on, I was so uncomfortable and unhappy and we spent so much time together the three of us, that I was significantly less affectionate and more withdrawn, not from him, but withdrawn from the situation. Unable to interact with them in an openly loving way, therefore spending a lot less time actingly lovingly towards him, since we didn't get a lot of time just the two of us.
Add to this the pressure of planning a wedding, and the fact that GF was deeply uncomfortable with the wedding.
My fiance always that when times get tough, it's going to be him and me. Him and me.
He was extremely sad when we broke up, naturally. I was sad, but also terribly relieved and looking forward to more time and attention from him, an opportunity for us to build our lives together.
He met with GF to have closure, and she brought up the idea of him seeing her separately but they both dismissed the idea he said, thinking we would just have the same problems as before.
Then a couple days ago, I had gotten insecure because his sadness and withdrawnness had gone on so long, but he told me he had told GF that he was with me not by default, but because he loved me so much. That was good enough for me.
Yesterday, he was withdrawn, listless, uncommunicative. I tried to take care of him the best way I could. It was almost like he was mad at me though, but wasn't saying it. He assured me he was just really tired.
This morning I wake up to find him angry and resentful. He told me he doesn't believe I will ever be able to meet his needs the way GF did. His evidence was the few months prior to dating GF, where we had moved in together and I had trouble being instantly intimate in this way and would tend to create emotional distance in place of the physical space I used to have. That got resolved just fine. And then he adds the evidence of how I've acted while we've dated GF, while I was desperately unhappy most of the time. He has an idea that I was in fact very unhappy, even as he was happy.
He is extremely resentful right now. He was mean when I brought him lunch, and has basically asked that I leave him alone at least for today, and I don't know how long.
He's been drinking more, and also hates his job. I know he dreams of just running away. GF also dreams of just running away. Because of various things, I can't just run away right now.
I feel like it's deeply unfair to think our relationship is unworkable now when he has loved me a whole lot in the past. I know in his mind he is comparing this 8 month relationship with GF, which was largely fun and enjoyable times for him, a honeymoon period after all, with our relationship. He showered affection and baby talk on GF, and saved the nitty gritty, all of his serious issues for me. Because we had a deeper relationship than he and GF did, he said.
Nobody matches up completely, nobody thinks about things in the same way. Long term relationships always involve conflict in the way that shorter term relationships don't.
What is he doing here? Is this a stage of grief? Or something worse?
This man is the love of my life, and honest to god, I can't imagine my life without him.
|break-ups, codependence, marriage|