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Old 04-09-2011, 07:19 PM
Anna Anna is offline
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Default New and could use some advice please, good or bad

Well for starters hubby and I are new to being in a poly relationship.We are currently dating another married couple who we get along with great. Hubby likes hanging out with my bf like going out and having drinks with the guys. I like hanging out with my gf, but rarely have the time since we do have young children one 12 and a 6 year old. Oh their kids are just out of high school.

So on the outside we look very happy and like having fun with our kids and more without the kids . We really only get to hookup without kids once a month, twice if we are lucky. We rarely get a babysitter for the whole night thats why. Which is okay cuz we like hanging out and doing things as a big family/friends anyways I would like my kids to get to know them. I would like to have them in our lives for a long time.

Hubby and I tried being with a previous couple about 6 years ago. Short story we were all good friends liked hanging out lived close by and one night she got frisky with me and I went with it. So every now and then we would all hook up her and I. Her and my hubby and her hubby with me. This went on for a year, she started to have regrets and didn't know if she wanted to continue, I said ok. But then she would always initiate sex with me and not wanting to reject her we would. Finally they moved about 15 minutes away and never heard from them again. No closure no reason no nothing. It killed me for about a year took me another year just to want to make friends with anyone. I was afraid of being left again.

So fast forward to our current couple. The only boundaries I have asked for till I feel more comfortable are no sexual interaction when we are in the presence of the kids. Also the other one is no one on one alone time. Example I can not go out on a date alone with bf or have sex and hubby can not go out on a date with gf and have sex alone. We have group sex and he and I must always be there no 3 ways also. Now the other couple don't care and these are not their boundaries, these are mine and my hubby's.

The reason for those last two boundaries are I feel left out cuz of a previous incident between them and my hubby and it hurt me very bad. One night we were suppose to come over for dinner with our kids. I became really sick with a fever and was in bed for 2 days. Since they had planned a huge meal I felt bad about us not going and having to cancel at short notice. I told hubby to go ahead and kids and I would just stay home. He did and after dinner apparently my hubby and her started to make out. I called and asked when he might be home since my fever was getting worse. He said I will be leaving and home in an hour I said ok. Well an hour and a half past by and I called in fear of something happening to him. He was still there. I was upset and angry and feverish haha. When he got home he said he was sorry but didnt know we were not allowed to make out if the other was not there. Yes we didnt discuss this prior but I thought he would respect me and leave at the first notion of a them wanting to make out with out me there.

The reason for the first boundary of no contact while kids around is my kids almost walked in our me making out with my bf and my hubby making out with his gf. And one weekend of course they broke that boundary. My bf was out of town so only she came over to hang and watch movies since we didnt have a sitter. I left to get up and make a drink. I came back and both her and hubby were making out. I was very upset and angry. I didnt say anything but I left the room till she got the hint I was upset and left to go home. Hubby and I argued and I left for a walk to clear my head and make sure I was not over reacting.

So now I feel I can not trust her and so when hubby goes over to hang out with her hubby and his other guy friends I get nervous and anxious. I have lost countless nights of sleep and missed work due to being upset and just sick to my stomach. I trust my hubby that he would not let it happen again. But I dont feel I can trust her.

I also sometimes get jealous of the emotional bond that hubby and her have. Since I don't feel the same kind of bond with my bf.

I am sorry this is so long, and there is so much more to talk about but just thought maybe getting this out and getting advice from others would help me in anyway. I have read a book on polyamory to help me, but I think I really could use some advice from real people.

IF you have any other questions please ask me.

Thanks Anna
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Old 04-09-2011, 10:54 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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To have a boundary that you are not to do anything sexual unless you four are together is understandable if he has broken boundaries before. I can see why some time should pass with this boundary so as to build trust. It sounds like you had no boundary and decided after to make ones because of your emotional reaction. Actually it sounds more like a rule to me. That is a bit different.

I think you are being a bit hard on them for something that was a learning curve, not broken boundaries. I would hope that you have a bit of give in your new boundary sooner rather than later. Unless you are swinging and there is to be no emotional connection allowed between you all. Some swingers agree to no sex outside of the group of four or three so as to assure (apparently) that connection won't happen and it all just be about sex. It sounds like your situation is a bit different and that you have connection.

What do you hope to gain by this situation? I don't see any room for a future here. Quad sex gets old pretty fast usually. It's fun at the beginning, but eventually those involved develop more feelings for certain members than others and want alone time. It sounds like that is happening, why not go with that? They are not the people you dated before, and if there is not some give, I would think that they would either move on to people that have less rules and more boundaries that are fluid. Either that or they will start expressing their own desires to change things.

I don't get why you are calling all the shots here. It sounds a bit controlling to me. On the other hand, if they are willing to wait it out until you are comfortable then that is a lovely gesture... I just think that you would be doing everyone a favour if you pushed through a bit and opened it up a bit. Maybe its time for some one on one dates.

As to no gestures in front of kids. That makes sense to me... especially at this early stage.
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Old 04-10-2011, 06:15 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna View Post
This went on for a year, she started to have regrets and didn't know if she wanted to continue, I said ok. But then she would always initiate sex with me and not wanting to reject her we would. Finally they moved about 15 minutes away and never heard from them again. No closure no reason no nothing. It killed me for about a year took me another year just to want to make friends with anyone. I was afraid of being left again.
This sucks, but it's in the past. These are different people, different dynamics, HOPEFULLY more emotional maturity and ability to deal. Are you clear with them that you wish this to evolve beyond swinging? At least that's what I took your comment about your kids getting to know them to mean.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I told hubby to go ahead and kids and I would just stay home. He did and after dinner apparently my hubby and her started to make out. I called and asked when he might be home since my fever was getting worse. He said I will be leaving and home in an hour I said ok. Well an hour and a half past by and I called in fear of something happening to him.
How are you with mobile phones? I have people in my life who have real probs with mobile phones, in that they use them to alleviate anxiety around close relationships. Their near and dear need to be always just a call away, and if for whatever reason cannot be reached, their anxiety will increase to a breaking point and they lash out.

You said that they apparently started to make out? So you don't know what they were doing?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna View Post
...I left the room till she got the hint I was upset and left to go home.
This is not a healthy communication pattern in the long run. I suggest you stop 'giving hints' and start talking when something upsets you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I trust my hubby that he would not let it happen again. But I dont feel I can trust her.
So you think she would jump your hub and rape him if the two of them are left alone? Not trusting her IS not trusting him. It takes two to tango.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I also sometimes get jealous of the emotional bond that hubby and her have. Since I don't feel the same kind of bond with my bf.
I think you could really benefit from some advice on jealousy management. Do a tag search on that - loads of people struggle with the same issues.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It sounds like you had no boundary and decided after to make ones because of your emotional reaction. Actually it sounds more like a rule to me. That is a bit different.
Making rules after the fact might create resentment. Talk about your jealousy - sometimes it alone might help loads.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
What do you hope to gain by this situation? I don't see any room for a future here. Quad sex gets old pretty fast usually. It's fun at the beginning, but eventually those involved develop more feelings for certain members than others and want alone time.
I'm all for group sex, but it has it's time and place. For me, it's best in the getting-to-know -phase, and can be really hot in moderation. But for me, real connection happens in one-on-one sex. If you'd allow yourself to go more with the flow, you might find yourself developing more of an emotional bond with your bf also.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
As to no gestures in front of kids. That makes sense to me... especially at this early stage.
Yep, kids are definitely old enough to start asking questions. Good call!
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