Is it possible to be emotionally poly?

[BlackUnicorn]

Since you enjoy a sexual relationship with your husband you would not qualify as asexual, but as physically monogamous. I'm replacing 'monosexuality' with 'monogamy' to describe your situation because monosexuality is a term that encompasses hetero- and homosexuality as opposed to bisexuality.

Emotional polyamory can also arise from a situation where the partners involved have incompatible sexual/relationship orientations, such as in a woman in love with a gay man. Or a straight man and a straight woman can be in love but choose to honor their existing monogamous commitments and restrict the physical aspects of the relationship to a minimum. Whether this would still be cheating and how long the situation is likely to last is of course open to debate.

So maybe you are a poly-in-waiting ? Your other loves could have a mutually enjoyable physical expression but until now, for various reasons, haven't.

I understand your point in finding emotional nourishment in non-physical connections, however, without a pressing need for the relationship to turn physical. I usually need to be very strongly infatuated with someone to feel a strong physical desire for them, and tend to have more of a 'I can take it or leave it' attitude towards sex at other times.

[Ariakas]

this has to be an individual answer. I personally would have an extremely difficult time being poly with someone I am not romantic/intimate with. There would be a piece missing for me.

[Carma]

Originally Posted by monovcphg

the collective energy that people expend trying to get into other peoples pants could power our cities

Hahaha!!! :d

[redpepper]

sorry, I missed the part where you said that you have sex but not with this particular person...

I have a none sexual boyfriend and our love is no less powerful than what I have with the other loves in my life. It is somehow more naive and innocent, as we don't know certain things about one another, but I quite like that for now and am enjoying it just the same. I am no less committed to the relationship than to the others... so why not I say?

[idealist]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Getting to know asexual people has really changed my view on love and sex.

Okay, I'm going to show my ignorance here, but I'll apply it to my personal experience with my sex life. Let me know if I am totally off, which I probably am, but Oh well...here I go because I've been thinking about this since I read the post.

I have a certain weight (when I can fit into my size 4 clothes) that I feel really good about myself. I like what I see when I look in the mirror. No matter what I put on, I like it. I can wear dresses, jeans, skirts, lace, leather...doesn't matter. When I see myself, I am turned on!!! My body is more stimulated and I am a lot more sexual. I'm more attracted to myself and I am more attracted to other people. My sexual desire is heightened a great deal.

Then- I have the other weight (when I am a size 6.)

Let me stop here and say that for someone else- the "feel good" size might be a 10 to 12 and the other "not so feel good" size could be a 14.

Don't get hung up on the actual size. The point is....how I feel about myself and how my body feels. How my body responds to other people.

When I am heavier, I don't like what I see in the mirror as well. I can put on the dress, the jeans, the leather, but it's just okay...... and I'm not as attracted to other people. I am not nearly as sexually stimulated. I can "take it or leave it" pretty much.

This is my question: How do you think sexuality and asexuality is affected by our own perception of our physical attractiveness.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by idealist

This is my question: How do you think sexuality and asexuality is affected by our own perception of our physical attractiveness.

Both of the people who identified as asexual at the meeting were very attractive. One male; young fit, vigorous looking and confident. One woman; young, great curves, amazing wit and a great smile. I don't think it plays any part in it at all. I think that would be like a guy identifying as homesexual because he has a small build or feminine features. Even the idea of self image issues implies that asexuality can not exist in a healthy, fully confident person.

The asexual woman simply does not have any desire to engage in sexual activity with someone. I think I can relate at times. When my connection is broken or diminished with Redpepper I don't feel the desire for sex with any one...but it isn't from being turned off. At those times there is just no desire for sex. Not saying that asexual people have any issue with connection LOL! Asexual people develop fully romantic relationships without the desire to express them sexually.


I acknowledge asexuality as an orientation that does not need a sexual outlet to express romantic love.

Do you find it hard to believe that a person could actually not have an interest in sex?

[idealist]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Both of the people who identified as asexual at the meeting were very attractive.

When I'm in my 6, I am still very attractive to others.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

One male; young fit, vigorous looking and confident. One woman; young, great curves, amazing wit and a great smile. I don't think it plays any part in it at all. I think that would be like a guy identifying as homesexual because he has a small build or feminine features. Even the idea of self image issues implies that asexuality can not exist in a healthy, fully confident person.

I think I am going to have to disagree....at least for now. I'll think about it more..... I am also fit, vigorous looking and extremely confident (notice I left out young :-) woman.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

The asexual woman simply does not have any desire to engage in sexual activity with someone. I think I can relate at times. When my connection is broken or diminished with Redpepper I don't feel the desire for sex with any one...but it isn't from being turned off. At those times there is just no desire for sex. Not saying that asexual people have any issue with connection LOL! Asexual people develop fully romantic relationships without the desire to express them sexually.

I totally get that!! I'm not interested in sex either when I'm not turned on by myself. Okay- here's the deal. Right now, I'm at my 6 size. But, getting ready for the weekend, I shaved my entire body (except my head) and put lotion and oil on every surface of my body. And guess what......out of nowhere, I experienced sexual desire..... I think asexual is just a term for "sexually shut down for now". Because we are inherently sexual beings unless there is a short circuit somewhere.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I acknowledge asexuality as an orientation that does not need a sexual outlet to express romantic love.

Do you find it hard to believe that a person could actually not have an interest in sex?

I do not find it hard to believe at all that a person does not have an interest in sex. I know a lot of people who are not interested in sex and some of them are "seemingly" fit, attractive etc....... I find that incredibly easy to believe. I just think that a person who wants to adopt the label as asexual is a person who has shut down sexually due to some short circuit and they aren't interested in becoming a fully functioning authentic human being......just sayin'

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by idealist

I find that incredibly easy to believe. I just think that a person who wants to adopt the label as asexual is a person who has shut down sexually due to some short circuit and they aren't interested in becoming a fully functioning authentic human being......just sayin'

The term "short circuit" implies you believe asexual people have something wrong with them. Unfortunately lots of people would also say that any poly, gay, bi, queer or trans-gendered person also have something wrong with them because in most mainstream peoples' eyes we are naturally heterosexual and monogamous.

Here is a link to AVEN...they are leading authorities in the Asexual community. Their forum has over 27,000 members so there is quite a lot of experience to draw from. http://www.asexuality.org/en/

[idealist]

Okay- I can agree with you when I think about it this way.

There are some basic segments of human life. Some of those segments are:

Emotional
Mental
Physical
Spiritual
Sexual
Home Life
Family
Career
Financial
Health
Creative
Gifts and Talents

So- for every human being- these are life segments that can be developed if you choose to. Every human being can choose to delve into any of these areas.....all of the areas....or none of the areas.

so- an asexual person is someone who simply doesn't want to delve into their own sexuality.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by idealist

so- an asexual person is someone who simply doesn't want to delve into their own sexuality.

I'm not asexual so I shouldn't be speaking for them..but I think they would disagree. They delve more deeply into their sexuality then most because a lot of them spent the greater portion of their life figuring out why they weren't sexual towards others. Please take a look at their site. I don't like possibly misrepresenting them but I do feel protective of any group that understands itself better than any one on the outside could.

You aren't alone in having such a hard time with the concept of people actually not desiring sex...but I have a hard time with the concept of people actually being poly so I can relate to your confusion LOL!