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  #1  
Old 09-23-2009, 03:11 AM
jryyc1 jryyc1 is offline
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Default New, and already got challenges (but I KNOW I can solve!)

Hi Poly's,

The Nutshell:
  • gay
  • have husband (together nearly 10 years, sexually open 5+ years),
  • discovered "Ethical Slut" a few months back via a fuck buddy; thought it would simply help me be a better fuck buddy...had NO CLUE why they kept talking about LOVE
  • Last 3 months...falling head over heels with a beautiful man, now my boyfriend or secondary, who also has a husband.. Met online for a quick fuck, ended up going "wow, I want you in my life"
  • MY husband is now "in" on this reality, and neither happy nor comfortable with it.
  • My husband is putting up a zillion "walls," making lots of rules, and issuing threats and ultimatums.
  • I'm still crazy about my husband, and don't want to lose him.
  • I also don't want to lose the amazing boyfriend I've found.
  • I KNOW there is NO putting the poly Genie back in his bottle.
  • WHAT TO DO?

More detail: This is my first post. I'm surprised to be here. The word "polyamorous" only came into my life a few months ago; suddenly, it's wildly important. Thanks in advance for any guidance you can give.

I'm a gay man with an amazing husband (we'll call him that, even though we're not legally married...despite living in Canada).

Husband and I have basically a zero sex life together since about six months into our relationship; dramatically different interests and appetites for sex. But everything else about the relationship has worked well.

5 years ago we opened things sexually (very common in the gay world), and have both been quite free to play as we please...although really I'm the only one who plays much. Husband just doesn't have much sex drive.

I travel a LOT, so it's very easy for me to get laid on the road. Additionally, I'm allowed to "play" in our hometown, so have had plenty of sex locally, and made a few "fuck buddies."

I always believed I was keeping "feelings" out of the sex; despite having some really fun and interesting conversations with fuck buds. One of them recommended the book "The Ethical Slut," (which, you'll be gleeful to know, is the current #1 best seller at our local gay bookstore.

I read it with abandon, initially hiding the cover from my husband, and then realizing that was idiotic. He seemed ok with me reading it. I also found myself recommending it to a handful of my fuck buddies.

Last June, my husband was away one morning, and I had sex with a guy I met online. From the moment I met him (we'll now call him "boyfriend," he was special and different, not to mention gorgeous (BTW, my husband is among the planet's truly handsome men).

We both made it clear that our time together was 100% no-strings, but during & after an amazing fuck realized we needed to see each other again. A few weeks passed, due to scheduling, and the next time we saw each other it was like 4th of July fireworks combined with all the emotional connection of a Rock Hudson+Doris Day movie.

We continued to see each other; eventually my husband met my boyfriend (long story).

I later explained to my husband that my boyfriend is, indeed, my boyfriend...and very, very special. Meanwhile, boyfriend and HIS husband were inviting us for to get together so we'd all know who's who. We've all-4 been together a couple of times now (purely socially).

So, this has all gone quite nicely...except MY husband has now realizes that my boyfriend is, well, my boyfriend.

All hell has broken loose as husband is feeling sooooo insecure; threatening divorce (or saying, "gee, maybe our relationship has run its course").

I find my husband believes couples are meant to be of the "white picket fence" variety (although, it seems ok to have sex with other people...just don't let anyone know).

He's feeling angry, threatened, confused, and NOT happy about the idea that he may need to allow me to share the endless love I believe I can give.

I wish I knew a couple who could walk us through this. I don't want to lose my beautiful husband. But I know the genie cannot be put back in the bottle. Meanwhile, my beautiful boyfriend is getting batted around by everything, and feeling like he's in the middle of an experiment.

Ugh. Who's got advice?

Last edited by jryyc1; 09-23-2009 at 05:39 PM. Reason: spelling
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  #2  
Old 09-23-2009, 05:32 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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My wife has a hard time with it. She would rather I was into swinging than into polyamory. Your husband may fear he will lose you so he is protecting himself by trying to end it early. If you can help him realize how much he means to you, then maybe his insecurities will go down some. Let him know that he is not being replaced by your boyfriend. Your love for your husband is independent of the love you feel for another.

Maybe you can direct your boyfriend to some polyamory resources to help him understand what you are feeling better. Bringing up polyamory tends to be a very emotional issue in an established relationship. Hopefully, it will work out for you.

Best of luck.
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  #3  
Old 09-23-2009, 02:54 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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JRM to the rescue on this one!!

Take care, jryyc1
Mono
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  #4  
Old 09-23-2009, 02:59 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
JRM to the rescue on this one!!

This!
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  #5  
Old 09-23-2009, 04:20 PM
jryyc1 jryyc1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
This!
Thanks for the thought (truly!!!), but the link doesn't take me anywhere.
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  #6  
Old 09-23-2009, 04:46 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jryyc1 View Post
Thanks for the thought (truly!!!), but the link doesn't take me anywhere.

I don't know what link you're talking about.

No one has posted a link in this thread.
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  #7  
Old 09-23-2009, 04:57 PM
jryyc1 jryyc1 is offline
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Sorry YGirl...I thought when you typed "this" you were intending to link me to thoughts from JRM, as mentioned by Mono. Just a bit confused.

Doesn't help to have been left alone in bed last night and spent half the night sobbing into my pillow...first time I've cried in years. Ouch.
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  #8  
Old 09-23-2009, 05:00 PM
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River River is offline
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I used my full name earlier in the forum, the initials of which are JRM. Now I'm going by River. Just River.

Apparently, some of the forum participants think I'm the guy to speak on this one, since I'm also basically a gay, married guy. And I'm (we're) poly.

More in a bit.
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  #9  
Old 09-23-2009, 05:08 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
Apparently, some of the forum participants think I'm the guy to speak on this one, since I'm also basically a gay, married guy. And I'm (we're) poly.

More in a bit.
The cavalry has arrived!

Glad to see you on this one River.

Take care
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  #10  
Old 09-23-2009, 05:20 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
Apparently, some of the forum participants think I'm the guy to speak on this one, since I'm also basically a gay, married guy. And I'm (we're) poly.
We had a telepathic vote and elected you the expert on gay-married-poly relationships.
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